My Life As I Know It

Not long after I turned 14 and my mom went to jail again, my dad was contacted to come get my sisters and me or else we would go into foster care. So he came and got us and had to hear about all the times that we were left alone and everything else. I had to leave all my friends behind that had my back no matter what. They would bring us food, keep me company when my anxieties would get too bad, and when my older sister moved out to be with her then boyfriend and father to her 2 oldest kids. They were my rocks and I had to leave them because my mom messed up AGAIN?!

It was too much for me to handle anymore. I defied my dad at every turn and would get into screaming matches with him because I felt I was too grown to be told what to do! I had been the one that took care of both my sisters and ran the house. I was an adult, right? No... no I wasn't and it became one of the biggest problems in my life. But no matter what, I knew that being at my dad's would be the best thing for my education. Where he lived, I didn't get into fights at school because no one knew of my past to throw in my face. The school was one of the best in the state so my education was going great! I also started making friends that didn't have to be my emotional rocks. I felt guilty by this point to my friends who I grew up with because I knew I had to be a draining person to be around.

So I started to be the friend that would listen to everyone's problems and be their rocks. No matter what they needed, I was there. I felt so grateful for them just being my friend that I would give them my last dollar if they asked (and sometimes I did). They never knew that I would do all these things and why because I made sure that I kept a smile plastered on my face and a laugh out of my lips.

But deep inside, the depression and anxieties were just building up. I would even start dating guys that my friends classified as the "underdogs" because they didn't see what I saw in them. I knew that I dated them because then maybe they would feel glad to have me and would never leave me or break my heart. Surprise, surprise! They all would.

Senior year of high school, I was "in love" with the guy that I was dating. Then he cheated on me and shattered me. One day, it all just got to be too much for me! So I text all my friends and they guy who broke my heart apologizing for not being enough. Then I took enough pills to know I wouldn't wake up again. All while my dad was in the living room not knowing any of this. My friends burst through the front door because they knew I hadn't been acting right. Told my dad about my texts and he came and checked on me. After being taken to the hospital and then a psych evaluation, I was released. By this point I knew enough to never put my family through that again. Especially when all my older sister would even say to me was "How DARE you be so selfish to take your niece's aunt away from them! Do you want them to grow up never knowing you?!"

A week later I graduated high school with honors. That fake smile and ready laugh was there for all to see/hear. It was truly the start of me mastering "fake it until you make it"