My Life as a Military Wife and Stay at Home Mom

It was two weeks after my c-section with my son. My husband was off to deployment. This was our second deployment apart, the first wasn't too bad considering I lived back home with a support system of friends and his family. We also only had our daughter at that time. How bad could it be? "Don't worry I got this.", I said to my husband. We all said goodbye.

As the weeks went by my exhaustion grew. I came to being envious of my husband. He got the full night sleeps. The freedom to do as he pleased most days and weekends off. I struggled healing. Getting up all hours of the night with our newborn. Keeping up with our toddler during the days. I no longer saw myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a mom. A mom who was exhausted with bags under her eyes, greasy hair thrown in a bun, the same outfit I had worn for a week straight. And oh before I got in the shower...starring at this body..I cried, no, I sobbed. I was disgusted. My shower consisted of standing under the water crying until I had to quickly get out to tend to the woken newborn.

This resulted in changing my eating habits. I was very strict on myself. I ate egg whites with spinach for breakfast. Ground turkey, sweet potato, and broccoli for lunch. And a chicken salad for dinner. If I felt I deserved a snack it would consist of fresh fruit or vegetables. I felt good in my choices. Until the results on the scale weren't pleasing me. I jogged everyday with the kids in the jogging stroller and lifted weights as often as I could. It wasn't enough for me.

A close friend had invited the babies and I over for a play date. I had been avoiding everyone. I didn't want anyone seeing me how I was. But she insisted, so we went. She had ordered pizza for us. Pizza...the thought triggered me. The guilt of consuming the carbs from the pizza. I didn't want to eat it and she could tell. She said, "When you are old and grey with wrinkled skin...you won't look back and say, oh how I wish I never ate that pizza..you will look back and say, I am so happy I enjoyed every last moment and all the amazing foods this world offered..I was blessed to have enjoyed it all." In that moment those words spoke to me. She was right. But that night I went back home, saw myself in the mirror and came on the shame. I never wanted to feel that again.

That same week I had a mental break down. My toddler managed to dump cereal all throughout the kitchen and on top of that tried getting into the fridge and knocked out a soda can that had been there from when my husband was home. The soda sprayed all over the kitchen. All I could do was cry as I cleaned and as I cleaned I ran into my husbands candy stash. I quickly indulged a snickers bar. (you aren't you when your hungry right?) All jokes aside that is what broke me. I ran to the bathroom forcing myself to throw it back up. I wasn't going to let body progress go over a messed up kitchen and a snickers bar. This became a habit. And soon I would hardly eat.

I noticed my daughter wasn't eating much anymore. I became frustrated that she refused her meals. This went on for a week of her only wanting liquids. I brought this matter up to my husband and he came back with, "Well what are you eating?" I replied with, "probably not enough" and what he said next broke my heart and opened my eyes. He said, "Our daughter is only watching her mommy, she wants to be like mommy, now think about what you are showing her." He was never more right. I began teaching myself to enjoy food again and I made sure to always sit down and eat with my daughter. She was...she was following mommies footsteps. Our kids watch our every move and see things that we may not even realize we are doing until they demonstrate it right back.

I began practicing self care and loving my body in every stage it will go through. I can truly say my daughter saved me.