My Happily Never After

When I met their dad while we both were in college back in 1997, my heart was filled with hope, thankfulness and lofty dreams and goals for a picture perfect marriage to a man I had come to eventually love very deeply. All of those dreams were infinitely shattered chasing better jobs, better pay, a better life for those three and I will tell you how if you just keep reading.

One of the things that I learned the hard way is that you have to make sure that both people are on the same page with the vision. A person has to ensure a man or woman he or she is dating or engaged to is on board with how you will move forward in a vast array of situations that may befall the relationship. In my situation, pregnancy was the first significant test of our relationship. I was from a strict christian home with traditional values in which my parents believed that if you impregnate her, then you must marry her and take care of her and the baby. It was at that time, I expressed these beliefs to the love of my life and he was happy about the pregnancy but a bit hesitant about moving forward with a marriage. There was a bit of tension there and we both felt it, however, we loved each other very deeply so I believed and a marriage was planned for July 24, 1998, a few days after his birthday. We would always joke with the family that the baby and I was his birthday present.

And let me tell you, parenting was an adjustment for us both and was not easy to start. He was taking long hours at work and sometimes going from job to job so we could make ends meet. I was still in college but had to drop out due to dealing with intense morning sickness whereby I lost over 20 pounds. My doctor was worried that I needed to focus more on my health and the pregnancy so i did just that. Quit school, got a part time job to help out in the household and here we were struggling together. Many nights for dinner there were ramen noodles with cheese and chopped sandwich meet and cheap country home cooked staples I learned from my mom at home that would make a fat man blush. I eventually had to learn how to cook healthier because my hubby complained of gaining too much weight from my home cooking. Changes changes changes.

When my daughter was seven months old, I decided that finishing college was a must so I began looking for child care. This was a whole other beast in itself. I ended up pulling her out of several day cares after only a couple of weeks due to me popping up to test their open door policies only to find my daughter completely traumatized or asleep in dirty diapers with a mouth covered in dried baby food. This was indeed frustrating and we were both learning that that selfish part of ourselves only wanting to care for and experience each other probably was over for good. But we hung in there for as long as we could. Maturing to be parents was more than what we ever could imagined. It took so much energy and dedication to care for that one little babbling blessing; this beautiful new individual, and she was ours for eighteen plus years. Sacrifices we made had us striving even harder through the years to prove our unrequited love to each other and to our family. We got into a great church, and things all seemed to go well for a while; around five years. He finally secured lucrative employment working for the city as a and I eventually graduated college with my BA degree in education and got a job working for the government. We were finally thriving. The struggle was over so I thought. We have arrived. I was so happy and excited about our future; our kids futures.

Then the narrative began to change once we began to expand our family and we needed more money. More more more. More time, more resources, more opportunities, a better neighborhood and schools for the kids. So one day, he proposed that he take a job working for a popular automotive plant grossing over double what he earned at the city. We prayed whether this was the right thing to do. I never wanted to be a reason he decided to hold himself back so I agreed to support him in this never knowing it would spell the beginning of the end for us. Or was the beginning of the end when he married me against his reservations in the beginning? I don't know. Maybe I will never know.

Fast forward, he gets the job, well after my loosing two pregnancies, being depressed and having to take months off work to recuperate. We were both now battling many internal conflicts and stressors, and were both probably starting to think if it (staying together) was all worth it. But, finally in 2005 we became pregnant with and safely delivered our first son. He's the little happy one on the picture over to the left above. My big strong man is what I call him. My C J. In 2006, we were pregnant again with our second son Gabe. He's the little wide-eyed one on the right hand side of the photo above. My sweet gentle soul and momma's helper. Gabe was born with a host of gastrointestinal issues which required the most expensive formula on the shelf to the tune of almost $250 weekly. Not to mention day care for them both at $1000 monthly, two car notes an house, utilities and groceries. Looks like the job move for him was the best thing to do and our only option to get ahead.

We were managing going through the motions and he finally worked those god awful two weeks in the whole and got his first direct deposit. It was at that moment, he said to me "I make more than you now." This startled me and I felt a deep pit of angst within my belly thinking that this windfall is supposed to be for the family, not to fulfill some ego or competitive nature. We are a team, not opponents on a field is what I thought. This is when I began to discover that something was amiss in our relationship. We had lost something, that sense of togetherness, love and true team work. I wondered where had it all gone and what was really going on in his mind. I knew something not quite right was brewing.

Tune in for the rest of this story in the next submission which will be titled My Happily Never After Part 2: What didn't Kill Us Made Us Stronger.