My Happily Never After Part 2

Wow is what I'm thinking now and how could he say this out of all we've gone through. "I make more than you now" how does this even matter if we are a couple, a team. Does he even truly love me now? I was worried so I began to pay close attention to what was going on at this point as i knew something was wrong. I just couldn't place my fingers on it. All efforts of me trying to talk to him about our obvious issues were starting to fail. He began to stay out late after his 3 AM shifts had ended drinking with the members of a biker club leaving me to care our babies all alone. Date nights were far and few between and the I love yous as well. I endured the countless snickers and devious smiles of strange staring females when we took the kids to his corporate holiday events. I often felt embarrassed at what they might be saying or what they might have done with him (my husband) that I didn't know about and so desperately needed to know for my own physical and personal safety. But there I was, a christian mother, told to stick it out and this is what good wives do to keep their family's together. Sweep it under the rug, let a man be a man and take care of my wifely duties and go pray about it.

I prayed about it, yes, but I couldn't bear the thought of just letting things slide. That's not in my nature, so I began to search for what I needed to know. Looking through cell phone bills, searching for receipts, checking his messages after he came in drunk and late. I was hurt to find what I found out which I knew I would be, but I needed to know what was going on so i dealt with my pain and took care of the kids. I also began preparing for if and when I needed to leave him. Of course I waited until I built up a little more evidence and eventually confronted him whereby he vehemently denied all my allegations, even with proof. This was baffling to me. I was stunned, hurt, angry and I felt deeply betrayed. In fact, I had been betrayed, but I hadn't seen it with my own eyes which is why he was able to deny it.

Needless to say, I was on a sinking ship with an awol captain in a swirling sea of emotion, lies, and drama. I was empty and desperate so I sought the counsel of three different therapists. We never finished treatments due to him always finding something he didn't like about the therapist or what the therapists said blaming him for everything. He even accused a therapist of "liking me" whatever that meant so there was never a resolution with these sessions. We even received pastoral counseling which had the same result. Some say I should have left sooner and this was breaking me down. Others say, stand by your man. What would you have done? Well I stayed for seven years to my emotional and spiritual detriment. During this period, I had allowed so much of my better self to be tainted with grief, rage, revenge and a longing for love that I no longer recognized myself. It was like an outer body experience walking every day in my shoes. And I knew it was all up to me to maintain a home for the kids as my prince in shining amour and all his glory had taken up other pursuits. We were no longer a priority to him.

In this despair I also fell into the arms of another which I deeply regret because I hurt him not being fully severed from this thorn in my side; this torn marriage. That's when I knew I should have left earlier. I had allowed my torment to penetrate and damage the very fabric of my being. My values and who I knew myself to be were all in question and it was at this point I had the peace to walk away. After 14 long years, I walked away. We walked away. Me and my three reasons for living. We moved into our little quaint space with little more than love to sustain us and it was the most peace we had experienced in a long time. Even though I knew this road would not be easy, it was well worth it and I was free.