My final Christmas Celebration

The story of my final Christmas celebration/family gathering involves:

1. A food "faux pas"

2."A walk" gone wrong

3.An unexpectedly unwanted guest

4. A family member needing to escape during it all, but had to watch the dramatics and antics unfold only to realize some things

I'll spare as many menial details as possible since the name of the game is "to entertain while I explain," not "to overexplain to the point it can't entertain," and you don't need to know that my uncle Winston shouted "Church" pronounced "Chuch" every five minutes.

Anywho, let's get to the story.

The year is 2019.

I sit in the back of my mother's car clenching the sides of the macaroni and cheese that is sitting on top of a dry towel which sits on top of me. It's heat is still slightly felt on my thighs, but I would rather feel the a little heat than have it on the floor, for just in case purposes. Besides, I've done this a billion times over the years. The other pan sits in the middle of my sister Nala who hasn't even glanced at it, and me.

I'm listening to my music and trying to not sing or dance to hard, but I notice my mother's phone is ringing...therefore, the car's dash is showing the word

Mommy

and indicate there's an incoming call from her.

My mother's mother, so that makes her my grandma, is calling. I already know she's calling to talk about the Christmas Family Gathering she is hosting;the place we are running late to.

"Hey Kiss did you cook the macaroni and cheese," she asks. I don't know why she is asking my younger sister (Christina), the one who is sitting in the front seat because she's very much the "younger older sister," if she cooked the food. Of course she did. She has been in charge of it for a few of our gatherings (birthdays, holidays, random Sundays) already. She's well known as the chef of the family at this point. I mean, she's at the ripe age of 16 and is trusted to bring a staple dish...while I'm not allowed in the kitchen! Gotta give her props though. This is the only time I will do so.

Anyway,

my grandma starts in on how she spoke to my uncle Leroy and he told her that his wife will be bringing her own pan of mac and how she wishes she could tell them not to.

My stomach clenches. I smell trouble, and it's not about me if I eat any of this macaroni.

My grandma knows what'll happen. See, my family is big on 2 things:

1. food at the gatherings must be perfect

therefore everyone has their assigned dishes. If you want to bring something to be nice and you weren't on the "can cook" roster, then just pick up potato salad from the store or napkins.

2. bad mouthing/gossiping

Now, it's in a family way, I suppose. It is never too hostile, and typically the person knows a bit and laughs about it...typically.

I can tell how this will go.

We arrive to my grandma's house in Chicago, which is a skip and hop from our suburban home. We exist, and I notice there way more than a few people here already. My mother has never been on time for anything on her life.

But anyway, after we greet everyone and I answer a few questions about school and if I was still intelligent (they think the books I always have on me are some smarty pants books that uncover the hidden questions of the world instead of a book about next door neighbors falling in love, for whatever reason), I try my best to disappear as much as possible.

Time ticks on. I can hear everyone already gossiping, men getting silly from their drinks, laughter and compliments on how everyone looks so good...

I look up to see her standing beside my uncle Leroy. Auntie Trish is standing beside him with her pan. The pan of macaroni.

Said macaroni has made an appearance at an event before by the way. That is another reason why my stomach immidiately fell. Because on that fateful day, she went home with dang near a full pan left and I remember overhearing her say, "Guess they didn't like it," in a fake chipper voice to herself.

I know what I need to do. I make a beeline to her, greet her and ask her about her mac that I bet she brought in order to redeem herself from the event years before.

"I changed the recipe." She says. I keep this in mind. There's hope yet for her.

Some things about me: I want everyone to feel good today, I don't like eating everyone's food because it scares me, but I have a way around that second one in order to get to the first.

A half an hour or so goes by.

I notice the maybe cousins (Hey, everyone is a "cousin," "uncle" or "aunt," and the safest bet is to say "cousin") leaving out for "a walk," so I know we are about to eat soon.

As they walk out though, someone holding someone else's hand walks in. I'd be lying if I told you I knew the name of the man walking in. Heck, I'd be lying if I told you I knew who have of these people are fully (I may know a face, but not a name, I may know a person's name but not whose side of the family they're on etc.). Don't judge me. This family is huge and I see so little of most of them they're like extras or side characters in my sitcom.

"Who is that with him, you said?" I hear my aunt May ask.

Drama is on its way.

My cousin from someone's side gets up and ask the woman that just came in, what she is doing there.

Tension tension tension. The words are flying fast. I catch a few and piece the issue together. He was supposed to be done with her because she cheated on him, and she also said disrectful things to his moth--oh his mother is my aunt Patrice. That makes him either Tray or--no, that's Tray. Alright. Point me.

The room is reaching this uncomfortable level of noise. Not jolly noise, I can tone that out in a happy but not quite present way. This is the "not fun noise"

Everyone is asking the woman questions about where she's from, and what she does for a living, but their welcoming smiles look more like a lion's slick look before he pounces. I know they just want to help make the moment less hostile, I know they are also nosey, but I pick up on signs. And these signs are telling me to tell her to "GET OUT." The most she'll be is slightly uncomfortable as she knows that everyone else knows and doesn't approve of what she has done and said, but like I said, I want everyone to feel good.

"Alright y'all it's time to eat," my grandma announces. Her words are like the buttered knife through the heated meat (does this make sense? I'm not allowed in the kitchen remember). The attention is now on the food, but I know the crisis has only been averted momentarily.

His mother is still on the way.

The food is delicious. My sister put her feet in the macaroni, per usual. And the potato salad is mmm mmm good.

My nose catches a whiff of something. And I look around.

About six of my maybe cousins come in. The same cousins who went out for some fresh air, or to make that fresh air reek of--never mind.

"I know yall didn't just come in here smelling like that." Someone says.

I'm not gonna bore you with more on that. Just know the oldest got yelled at for taking his little brother, and for being a bad influence and all of them got yelled at for being disrespectful...as if they don't do this every gathering. It's like a rite of passage. And I think the adults just play their roles as they do theirs, and they forget about them all over again till the next gathering.

So, remember the macaroni dilemma? Let's go there.

No one is in the kitchen which is rare, so I must seize the opportunity now. As everyone got their food they made sure to ask who brought the macaroni and Christina's name was passed around, though most people knew it could only be hers.

And people asked about the other pan. The macaroni is visibly much much different. Where my sister's is neat and crispy where it needs to be, little experimental looking, my aunt's has a lot going on. It has more cheese, that I know for sure, but not as many kinds or levels as it did years ago. And it has panko topping. Actually, it looks good. I don't know why, but I prefer my holiday mac to be on the darker side, but this white cheese and non burnt at all mac looks good. I'll give her that.

It looks like there has been some taste testing, so I check the garbage to see if there's any remnants of it telling me to "Stay away." Nope. And no plates with their bottoms up, or all folded to show the person's true feelings of the meal.

I will try it instead of just getting a large plate full and then hiding it somewhere till she leaves.

I take my plate and put a little nibble of her mac on it though I'm already stuffed. I bring my mouth to the fork and--

Okaaaaay Aunt Trish. Improving your dish. Making it de-lishhh.

Bars

But, not enough people in here seem to know it's good as there's still so much left, and one of my sister's pans have been gutted while the other is at the "Finish Him" mark.

New plan, make everyone see me enjoying the mac and tell everyone it's good.

I add more to the plate, and move to the living room where most people still are.

"Is that mine," Trish spots me going in on her macaroni (fun fact: I discovered there was more room in my tummy after all).

"Yes, and it's sooo good." I say this at a volume that almost matches everyone else's. That's the loudest I can manage.

"Is it really?" The more bold older aunt asks all surprised, but only in that playfully mean way she has mastered.

"Yes, I changed the recipe a little bit." I don't think Trish notices the way that lady truly is.

"Good, 'cause last time..." my ears shut off and I look at Trish, then I start walking away. Hey, I got the biggest talker to see her food is good, so my mission is complete. I cannott handle confrontation even if it is not me involved.

The unexpected guest, or intruder is sitting on Tray's lap as if she hasn't noticed there is an empty spot beside him now that my little cousin has gotten up to run around.

Enters Tray's mother.

"Here we go," I say under my breath and I promise you someone else says it when I do.

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

There is now yelling. There is my grandma telling people to calm down or get out. There are kids running around. And Mariah Carey is telling us who she wants for Christmas (fun fact, it's me).

The men are having a good time laughing at Tray. Tray is smiling, playing it off. But his girlfriend is leaving, and I can smell that awkward car ride home for the both of them, but there's nothing I can do. So, I slink away to bother the kids since they've been baiting me the whole night.

The rest of the story is pretty bland really. They (Tray and the woman) ended up leaving and they said they were expecting a child. There were small hiccups here and there, like I overheard my uncle Leroy laughing (all embarrassed like) saying Trish was warned, but I did notice that more people ate her mac this time and no one seemed to have any complaints. My grandma brought order to her home like the boss she is. But, another guest came (creepy uncle) and I also heard someone say something homophobic about someone else as an ignorant "joke" (I'm queer too, so it felt bad to hear it for multiple reasons).

I was forced into conversations and praised for being supposedly "smart" (which does suck when you just failed every college test and assignment before break), amd I realized how much I wasn't really meant to be at family gatherings.

Don't get me wrong, I know everyone loves one another (or most people love most people). I saw that that night too. In the smiles when people shared gifts, in the compliments and inside jokes...

But, I am always on edge at the gatherings and I don't even know enough of the people to go. Sure, I care about my family as a whole, and hate when something bad happens and clap when someone good happens (even if I don't know the person being described to me).

But, The more people and sounds, the more my tummy aches (same with the more mac and potato salad).

Plus, the hostility and mean comments I did hear...well, they ruined my good time as they always do.

I guess I failed at making sure everyone had a good night, including myself.

Besides, I don't celebrate holidays for my personal reasons and I'm luckily old enough to not be forced to celebrate them.

Advice: don't go places where you feel uncomfortable & this includes family gatherings, tell the people you love that you love them, choose who you spend your holidays with...you can do that. It can be your friends or just your partner. As long as you enjoy the day and feel loved.

Thank you for reading, and remember to tell the people you love that you love them! It goes a long way.