My Body Failed Me

Last night I did something really dumb….

I was browsing Facebook after my son had finally gone to bed and I came across a story titled “Privileged Woman Dials 911 for Formula at 2am After Breastmilk ‘Suddenly’ Dries Up” or something like that. Typically I would have known better, but to be honest, I was two glasses of wine deep and was feeling a bit invincible so I decided to read the comments.

They were cruel and ignorant and mostly from women — well not just women but mothers. Many claimed that your milk doesn’t just dry up. A few commented that she must be doing it wrong because as long as you are breastfeeding your supply should continue. Others stated something like that would never happen to them because they always have a can of back up formula just in case. Basically, according to these moms, this woman had failed in every way possible.

After a few minutes of reading the comments, I was in tears. For some reason, I continued reading the comments and after 15 minutes I was full-blown ugly crying. These hateful women brought back every awful thought I had about myself when I was trying to breastfeed. These women were that voice in my head.

The Backstory

I suffer from Stage IV Endometriosis so I was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant. I was even more ecstatic when everything with my pregnancy went smoothly without complication.

There was no question in my mind whatsoever about breastfeeding. I was going to do it because that is what “good” moms do according to Facebook and Pinterest. It was not optional and according to Google, there was no indication that my condition would prevent me from doing it so I spent hours upon hours researching the perfect breast pump, picking out the right bras and tank tops, and getting my breastfeeding station exactly perfect. When we received samples of formula in the mail I reluctantly put them in a corner of the pantry where we never look even though I was confident we would never need them.

The Beginning

When my milk didn’t come in right away at the hospital I was ensured by the lactation consultant that this was completely normal because I had a C-section. “Just give it time,” she kept telling me. “It will come in eventually.”

When my son was screaming from hunger in the middle of the first night I finally gave in when the nurse recommended supplementing with formula. My baby was hungry and I couldn’t feed him. I cried because I felt like I had failed my son.

When I still was hardly producing anything the next day I went against my better judgment and listened to the (different) lactation consultant when she assured me that there was no need to supplement because my body would produce everything my son needed. We struggled through the night. Again, I cried because I felt like I was failing my son.

When we met with the pediatrician the next day she said we needed to supplement. “A fed baby is a healthy baby,” she assured me. I was reluctant but agreed to supplement with formula.

When we went home from the hospital on the third day I still wasn’t producing enough milk on my own. We had promised our pediatrician we would continue to supplement until after we met with the lactation consultant in her office (again, a different lactation consultant than the previous two we had met with). I felt defeated at the time but optimistic the lactation consultant would be able to help us.

When we met with the lactation consultant on the fifth day I was producing more but still not enough. The lactation consultant gave us all sorts of tips and tricks but encouraged us to continue supplementing. She said we could begin reducing the amount we were supplementing as my milk came in. I left feeling optimistic.

Finally Heading In The Right Direction?

A few weeks after meeting with our pediatrician’s lactation consultant my milk started to come in a bit more. And then a few weeks later it had almost doubled. We were still supplementing but I finally felt like I was feeding my son. It felt so good. My body was doing what it was supposed to.

We were finally on the right track.

I expected my milk production to continue increasing over the next several weeks, but it never did. My production stayed about the same for several weeks.

I tried to talk to friends and family about what I was going through. Everyone told me to just keep trying and that my body would produce what my child needed. I was only making about 4–6 ounces every time I pumped while my son continued to want more and more. He was cluster feeding, fussy, and never slept for more than an hour or so at a time. It was exhausting and stressful. I felt like a failure.

The Beginning of The End

I tried everything under the sun to up my production — supplements, shakes, manual pumping, heating pads, diet changes, new breast pump, power pumping. Nothing was working. I was stressed out.

Then one day, it just kind of stopped. I was lucky if I got 4 ounces when I pumped. My son was a little more than 3 months old at this point. I had hoped to breastfeed for at least 6 months. I was absolutely heartbroken.

Again, I cried. But this time the crying didn’t stop. My body had failed me and I had failed my son.

My husband didn’t understand how it could just stop. He kept telling me to “just keep trying” like it was my choice whether or not I was producing milk. I did keep trying for another month but as each week passed I was producing less and less.

I finally gave up trying when my son was about 4 months old. I couldn’t handle the disappointment any more and at that point, we were basically using 100% formula. I felt defeated and inadequate.

After a few weeks, my son stopped cluster feeding and was sleeping for longer stretches. He seemed healthy and happy. I finally stopped crying.

Looking For Answers

A few months after giving up on trying to breastfeed, I decided to do some research into why I wasn’t able to breastfeed. I had finally accepted my decision to stop trying and felt like I needed answers. Was there a reason I wasn’t able to breastfeed?

Since I have Stave IV Endometriosis, I decided to research whether there were any known correlations between endometriosis and breastfeeding. I couldn’t find anything. I was a little disappointed to not find anything but also relieved because I would have hoped my doctor would have warned me about known issues.

Next, I decided to research hormone imbalance and breastfeeding. I stumbled across a few articles discussing Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS) and low milk supply. PCOS is an endocrine disorder that affects about 5–10% of all women and is often associated with elevated androgen levels. Recent research has shown that women with PCOS suffer from low milk supply at a higher rate than other women.

The reason that many women with PCOS suffer from low milk supply is insufficient mammary tissue. Due to hormonal imbalances, there is a potential for poor breast tissue development during puberty and pregnancy. Additionally, higher levels of androgens can interfere with prolactin (one of the main hormones associated with the onset of lactation) reaching its receptors.

Next Steps

Due to my endometriosis, I have had several hormone panels completed over the years and my androgen levels have consistently been elevated. I have also suffered from symptoms related to elevated androgens including frequent urination and extreme thirst. I have never been diagnosed with PCOS or even discussed the possibility of it with any of my doctors. It felt like once my endometriosis was diagnosed my doctors just blamed every symptom or complication I had on my endo.

My husband and I would like to have more children and are hopeful that I will be able to breastfeed in the future. I have begun working with my doctor to determine if hormone imbalance and poor breast tissue development are the culprits for my low milk supply. If that is the case, I can make changes to my diet, and take supplements and/or prescriptions such as Metformin or Motilium to hopefully increase production.

Conclusion

Throughout my battle with breastfeeding, I ran across so much negativity on the internet but also from friends and family. I was made to feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough or I was just being selfish.

In reality, I was prioritizing my son. I was feeding him and that was all that mattered. While I am hopeful that I will be able to breastfeed in the future, it is OK if I don’t. A fed baby is a happy baby.

While it was hard to relive the sadness, anger, and frustration I felt while trying and failing to breastfeed, I felt I needed to share my struggles.

To all those moms out there struggling — You are enough. It's not your fault. A fed baby is a happy baby!

To all those moms out there who are able to breastfeed without any issues— Remember to be kind. You don’t always know the whole story. A fed baby is a happy baby!

To all those moms out there who just want to use formula — Great! A fed baby is a happy baby!

And to everyone else — A fed baby is a happy baby!