Music in my Heart.

When I sit alone with my thoughts, song lyrics often run through my mind. Music is part of my soul and has been a longtime companion while I cope with life. My friends and I used to joke that we needed a soundtrack for our lives, and I really think I could honestly tell the entire story of my life with songs. Maybe not a story that made sense to other people, but I would know exactly who, what, where, when, and why based on where I was at in the playlist. So, maybe not a joke after all.

Some days, the music fills my heart and I sing along out loud. Other days, a song will come out that consumes me and I drive down the road in tears. That happened to me today. A song about heaven being so far away came on, and in three minutes had all but brought me to my knees. I have lost so many people in my life, many of them long before their time. Losing older family members is a sad and hard part of life, but it is part of life. It is expected. But losing people out of the blue, a grandparent in their 50's, a friend during your freshman year, people you become close to in your twenties and thirties in accidents or from illness, when your childhood best friend and her entire family die in a horrible housefire, someone that was half big sister & half second mother to you has a stroke and eventually dies, those losses out of the blue shock your soul. When all of your closest friends have moved away, out of state, and you haven't seen them in half a decade. And they all come back to visit in the same summer one year, except there is one who simply cannot come home any longer. Because she had died unexpectedly, when it seemed she was getting better.

There was a time when the number of people that I was close to that had died was very small. I have heard that as you age, that number of people you know who pass away increases every year. That was not a lie, that's for sure. When friends, family, friend's parents, coworkers, your friend's children, start dying it really has an impact on the way you see the world. I am lucky, I have a healthy perspective on death, coping, and grief. Even with that, sudden loss can destroy everything you thought you knew about coping & grief.

There are two times that I expect feeling the loss of someone like it was yesterday. The first is when I tell the stories about someone and have to remember that they are gone. And the second is music. Whether it is a song that reminds me of our time together, or of the loss, or of how much they are missed, songs reach right into my heart and twist it so tightly that I have to let the emotions flow out of me or it might burst. The words, written by others, expressed in beautiful sound, may as well come from my soul the way that they can touch me.

And yet, even if I choose not to listen to the radio, the songs are still there. In my head, and my heart. My friends, my precious friends, that have left me come back to me in songs. There are other ways as well, the rays of sun shining through the clouds, the laughter of my kids, and in my dreams. Stories, pictures, places. Those who we lose are never truly gone, they are always with us. What I would give to have one more day, hour, or even minute with those I have lost. One last drive with my grandpa, one last performance from Cammi, a bonfire with Matty, a sleepover with Missy, hair & eyebrows with Tasha, sunrise coffee with Shelly, and that is just to name a few. They are never far from my mind. The simple moments that never seem to be eventful and have little significance as they happen. But then, when there is nothing left but memories, those moments are where you realize that all the value was all along.