Motherhood

When I was seventeen I fell deeply in love with my future husband. We did everything together. After dating for almost a year he asked me to marry him. I had known Scott for about three years we spent time together as friends on many occasions. Being with him as friends and lovers I found a feeling of safety. I remember the first time I felt that way about him. I was laying with him as he rubbed my back and I could feel how strong and firm his hands were. He has rough manly hands the kind only hard work can make. I remember the feeling that came over me. I want these hands near me forever. The whole world felt small compared to our love.

I wanted to become so many things and never really became anything in my eyes. When I married Scott I became his wife. We bought a home and I managed it mostly by myself. I worked at fast food restaurants but never felt I was accomplishing anything. I became restless and wondered what I should do. Getting married at nineteen shouldn’t interrupt my plans or goals right? Well it did. All I could think about was filling that house with a family. I wanted a home not a house. Talks of family planning began and we were certain it was the right time.

Our first was a beautiful baby boy named Andrew. He was born almost five weeks early and I suffered some complications. I developed preeclampsia and had to have an emergency cesarean. It was traumatic and also the first time I had ever seen Scott cry. Everything was a rush and a blur of medications and beeping sounds from every corner of that room. The nurses began to administer the spinal so I was numb from the waist down for the surgical procedure. I was terrified and felt so alone when I was whisked away to another room and separated from my husband. All of this was not only new to me but not how I imagined it would go. When all was said and done and they handed us our sweet tiny boy we were astounded by what it felt like. What it felt like to have our own family. It was every feeling at once. We were proud, in love, scared, apprehensive, and so eager to begin our adventure.

Being parents was amazing it was everything people say. The feeling of unconditional love a new love you’ve never felt. It’s unexplainable really. Until becoming a parent one can never truly understand. We laid in bed one night and talked of a daughter. We wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl. Before we could even try we found out we were expecting again. To our surprise a girl this time. A simple utterance of the wish to have a baby girl and there she was like magic. When Ally was born she smelled like roses. People always say when angels are near you can smell roses. Well that day I found out for myself that was true. She was perfect. Every little detail of her face flawless like she was maticulously made just to be ours.

After Ally was born we made the mutual decision to have a tubal ligation procedure. That means I wanted to permanently sterilize myself. No more babies for this baby machine. We raised our little family and lived every second of it to the fullest. We took trips to amusement parks, camped and traveled. All the while feeling like something was missing.

After long talks and soul searching we decided to get a tubal reversal. That is a procedure to reconnect my Fallopian tubes. We had to go through so much to accomplish this. For months we saved and planned. We were told that this procedure wasn’t a guarantee at all. I knew in my heart it would be successful but that small doubt lingered. When the doctors woke me up from surgery and told me they did what they could and the rest was up to us I was hopeful. We went home and began trying for number three. After five months of trying I became pregnant only to suffer a loss. That hurt more than anything. I thought this was it for us. I felt useless and broken I believed I was unable to conceive again.

My doctor told me to look at the miscarriage as a ray of hope. My surgery was a success! I couldn’t conceive before and this time I had. He told me that sometimes the body expels a fetus if something isn’t right. Whatever the case that child is always in our hearts. I will never forget the hope that child brought. Two months after our loss we conceived again. This time it stuck. I gave birth to our second son Ashton. He was a blessing I cried many tears for. I cried on my knees every time I saw a negative pregnancy test. I shouted out prayers begging God to help me. Help me not want this anymore or help me get pregnant. Ashton is an authentic miracle.

One year later I found I was pregnant again. I was surprised and a little caught off guard. I knew I couldn’t handle more than four children. I made the decision to have my fallopian tubes recut and cauterized immediately after learning of my pregnancy. When our third son was born he was beautiful. Such an unexpected pure love he brought into all of our lives. We named him Jack. He is the sweetest most loving soul I’ve ever known. I can’t imagine the world without him. Although he was a surprise God knew the world couldn’t go on without Jack.

This is my life’s work. I am a mother this is the one thing I did with my life. I am so very proud of all of my children. I am so proud of my husband, he accomplishes so much and does it all for us. We may have given up different things but I never lost anything. I gained so much by becoming a mother. My job is to help mold these young humans into good kind people. Everyday I have a hand in what our future as a planet looks like. Everyday I teach love, patience, kindness, equality, honesty, integrity and understanding. This job maybe the hardest job there is when you sit down and really examine it. I have created my own little army of love. I will raise them and send them out into the world to become whatever they choose. They will live amazing lives and I can’t wait to watch them do that everyday. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for each of them. One thing I can promise is my work day will never be done until God calls me home.

I’m proud to do what I do my job is my life. Sure I could have been this or I could have done that. To me my life is just as it should be. I was called to be a mother and I do not take the title lightly. I am a proud Mother. I am a proud wife. I work hard to make my husband and children proud, happy and healthy. I was always meant to do this. It was always calling me and waiting for me to hear it. Almost like a song playing so low you can barely make out a note. I followed that low playing song until it got louder and louder. I found where the song was coming from and it was in my heart all along. Now our oldest son is twenty one years old. Our daughter is nineteen. And our younger little miracles are ten and almost eight years old. We have had our share of struggles and triumphs but I wouldn’t change anything. My only goal is to see these humans I have nurtured just be happy. Whether they be rich, poor, gay, straight, parents or not parents. My only one true hope is that they are truly happy. I know some may think being a mother isn’t a job. Well I will leave you with a saying I always use. “Being a mother is hard work and if it’s not you’re doing it wrong”.