~Mother~

Mama,

I see you. It took a long time but I see you. I can understand now. I got hurt because they hurt you. It doesn't make what was done right but that is the hard truth of generational trauma. We all are little children who need to feel loved, wanted, needed, accepted, and protected. When that doesn't happen for one reason or the other, that is when trauma comes into play. Our human minds can't accept the fact that someone who was supposed to love us, someone who was supposed to protect us has rejected us. We will forever question, why? What did we do to deserve this? It must be our fault somehow we assume. Most of the time, it is not about us but the person rejecting us and their past. The pain they felt; and rejection get projected onto someone else. The pain isn't meant to be shared but it has to come out some way and too often it comes out in the wrong way. This needs to end. We are all human; at the end of the day, we can only do our best. However, a genuine effort needs to be made to not pass this poison down the line to our children and the next generation. I'm personally working on my change and my truth. There are better outlets, more healthy outlets, than passing our anger, hatred, bitterness, and pain onto a loved one.

He wasn't there; he still isn't. He left you needing more and you deserved more from him. He was supposed to protect you. He failed you. The one person in your life who was supposed to treat you like you were a princess and he left you waiting by the door with your packed suitcase. When that didn't happen you and my aunt got treated as third wheels; as if you weren't wanted by your own father. He didn't protect you when you needed him the most.

I see her sometimes. That sad little girl you once were and although I didn't know her personally I feel for her in a way I'm not sure you can understand. You see, she is me. The way you felt as a child is the way I felt too. Those questions you ask yourself ...why me? Does he not love me? What did I do that was so wrong? Does he love my sibling(s) more than me and if so, why not me? Why am I the outcast? I've asked them all.

I want you to think of something though for just a moment. Once upon a time, your father was that scared little boy. He was left to raise his siblings all on his own as his mother was sick and his father an absent alcoholic. He probably had a lot of those same questions. You see, this generational trauma just keeps on going if we let it.

With this letter, I let it go. Mother, I release myself from these generational trauma bonds. They will no longer hold and bind me. I saw the child in you ask a question this past weekend and it was directed towards your sister. You asked if your father messaged her or if it was just you he neglected. I've heard you ask this among similar questions multiple times in such a small voice. I can almost see your blond curls bouncing when you ask. I see those curls from the pictures that I've seen. I know you struggle to let this go but I urge you to let it go, let him go. He is on his journey and you are on yours and holding this will only hinder your journey. I know you'll likely say you don't hold on to it but I can see it in your eyes and the small of your voice that you do as I have. I love you, Mother. Live freely and with Light and Love.

Love,

Your Daughter