Mother's Day Gift to Myself

May 10th of the year 2020, I was walking through Wal-Mart with my 8 year old daughter still waiting to hear just the words Happy Mothers Day. I did not expect a gift from her since school was distance learning from home due to Covid, in addition to being separated from their father who would have otherwise reminded her to at least say something nice. I used all my efforts to remind myself to just keep breathing.

All of a sudden Crystal chimes in, “Can I get this?”

Me: Ugh. “No.”

Crystal: Why it is perfect?

Me: It’s for Mother’s Day. (But still did not register to say anything to me)

Crystal: I know. And I will always know how much you love me.

Me: How so?

Crystal: It says so, “Love you, Mom.”

Me: You better always know how much I love you.

Crystal: I will.

So I bought her the toy for her for Mother’s Day, because well, she was the best gift ever and I wanted to be a Mother and she had no say, so why not show her love I have for her and honor that her soul chose to stay in this world with me and grow up and let me be her Mommy.

While it hurt my feelings a little at first, Crystal had no idea I had any hurt feelings at all nor did she even see how this could be hurtful to me. She doesn’t understand the world as most people do and the endless amounts of empathy I seem to possess she seems to be completely lacking at times. She has a diagnosis of Autism, however, with my experience working with children I only see it as her different needs. My willingness and ability to be flexible leaves me available to wait out even what seems to be the most impossible defiance. However, real problems start to emerge when she interacts with others outside the family, generally either people get it or they don’t with her. Anyone who is inflexible about how the world should work with rigid social rules would probably get really angry with her and end up in a power struggle. However, in our world, I am known, comfortable, and safe. It will just take further discussion on explaining holidays and what others will expect of her in such social situations, while for us, we just have an offbeat memory.

One part of child development is the ongoing development of empathy. What children do not have is the ability to take another’s perspective with ease, nor do they make inferences to assume what another is thinking or doing based upon circumstances. They tend to just use the information that they know. Empathy develops over time and of course varies with each child. Emotional intelligence is just one of many intelligences an individual may possess.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where it feels that your child is just being rude or uncaring, take a step back to determine if by chance they are simply unaware. Just as you do not know what you do not know, neither do they. They literally need to be taught everything and we cannot expect them to draw the conclusions we want them to do without all the information that we have. They literally do not yet possess the ability to do so in their mental development. Sometimes we have to use our own skills of empathy to remember that the little one is not the same as us. Put ourselves in their shoes and then determine what would best help get to the end result you desire.

Remember this: Always know what outcome you want for you and your child when encountering a potential power struggle or stand off. To keep control of the situation, not the child, you need to know what outcome you are imagining so you can influence or guide your child to work with you and choose the same outcome. You cannot control anyone but yourself. You can however, manage behaviors of children by teaching them self control.

Some people will see that she was manipulative or that I just gave into what she wanted. What difference did it make if she got it for me or I for her? It ends up in our home and we both enjoy it. We share our stuffed animals. It’s a cute story about her perspective that shows me and reminds me how she sees the world differently. Love You, Mom. Yes I do love her. And I laugh every time I see it and know that I do love that little girl's quirks especially and all. She keeps me on my toes and forever challenged as a parent. Reminds me to not be so stuck and in a way that is a gift to myself. People will see through whatever filter they have on from their preconditioned experiences. To be effective, we have to remove those and understand the child as a unique being just as we are.

What I wanted was to be praised by my child on Mother’s Day and loved upon. But let’s get real. If that was the reason I had a child, then I had a child for the wrong reasons, right? I had a child to share my love and to teach and guide. For me to praise and love upon. I am responsible to the child, the child is not responsible to validate me. Although yes it does feel good to see them enact something you taught them positively.

Message me via email [email protected] if you have any questions or situations you need assistance with regarding parenting. You can also find me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ckkn96