Monsters Under My Bed

You’re happy.

You smile a wrinkle worthy smile. Your crooked teeth exposed as your mouth stretch from ear to ear. Genuine, loud laughter erupts from your chest and echoes around you.

You’re content.

You stare after the little girl you’re chasing, an unbreakable focus lay within your eyes. You run after her with your arms wide open. You’re not in a hurry to capture her as it will end your game of cat and mouse, but your arms are steady and ready to catch her if ever she was to fall, if ever it was time for her to return into your embrace and scoop her up into the air.

You’re playful.

It’s a sight I never thought I’d see again. You turn around just in time as an even smaller girl crashes into you. Is she your youngest? You fall playfully as if the force of her push is one you cannot withstand. With a dramatic groan, you collapse into the sand, gently knocking her down also. You place her on top of you and she settles comfortably on your chest. The older girl joins in and jumps onto you as if you’re her firmest foundation. As if you would never give out or give up on her. She climbs on top of you, slipping a few times yet you catch her with your left arm each time.

I watch-not sure what to feel.

What are the odds of seeing you here today? Here I am on a day trip with the former love of your life, just before I go off to college.

It is you right? Or maybe a very, very close lookalike.

No, it has to be you!

How can I forget that shaggy, brown curly hair I spent years tugging at? The mud-brown eyes that used to shine down at me as if I was your pride and joy? The short beard now highlighted with several grey strands. That infectious, wide smile of yours showcasing the dimples on each cheek. It’s been a while, but it’s you. I know it is.

Last I heard you were staying over at a friend’s house, trying to get your life together. Then again that was 11 years ago.

11 years since you tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight. 11 years since I went to sleep certain that my tomorrow will have you in it. 11 years since I woke up to the empty winter morning, deprived of your presence.

Watching you now, I can’t even bring myself to feel angry. You were miserable and so was mom, you tried to hide it from me but I knew. It was only a matter of time till you both accepted that it wasn’t working. That being in the presence of one another was too much, it was something you couldn’t do, not even for me.

My gaze wanders over to the beautiful woman watching you play with your children. Her smile broadens as she sees you pulling ridiculous faces and running around like a child, she gasps when you stumble whilst holding the youngest girl. Her expression quickly changes. She says something I can only assume to be a warning, for you to be careful.

She's your wife. She's stunning.

You really are happy.

Are you clean? Sober?

You seem to be.

The last time I saw you, big, dark circles blanketed around your eyes. You were skinnier and pale, you vibrated and fidgeted constantly. Yet you were everything to me. The last day with you was one I have kept in a secure, inaccessible place in my heart. I never let myself relive that moment, why should I? It wouldn't change the fact that you were gone.

However, seeing you playing the role of a father once more unlocked the memory and for once in over a decade, I was forced to reminisce.

You and mom had been arguing about the same old topic, your job. I sat in my room listening to every remark being said. Time went by and you came up to my room, you asked me if I wanted to do something fun and of course I said yes.

You helped me put on my purple boots, grey jacket and matching gloves and beanie.

Down the stairs, we passed your sobbing wife. She paused her crying to kiss me goodbye and tell me to have fun. I wiped the tears from her face and returned the kiss.

You took me to the zoo, we saw various animals. You told me a fun fact about every animal we saw. Back then, that impressed the heck out of me, but now I know you were just reading the signs that gave us the information and little facts about the type of creature we were looking at.

During the rest of the day, I remained excited and over the moon. We ate ice cream and drank milkshakes even though I'm lactose intolerant. On our way home, we went to the park close to our house. You pushed me on the swing whilst you told me stories from when you and mom first found out you were pregnant and when I was a baby.

You made it all sound so magical. What changed?

How could we have gone from the perfect little family you told me about to what we are currently? Maybe it never was perfect, maybe you shielded me from your fallouts with mom so well, I was oblivious to the timely fights every night. You shielded me from every monster under my bed and any monster above, up until the night you left. Your absence formed into the monster I never expected, the monster I didn't know how to fight without you, the monster that now stands before me.

I wonder... Did you know?

Did you know that you were leaving that night? Is that why you gave me the perfect day? Was that day a goodbye only you knew about?

Do you miss me? Even just a little?

Or does the love for your new family overshadow your love for your old one, for me?

Do you think about me?

I imagine your reaction if I came over to say “hello”, to reacquaint myself with you and your new family. I look behind me as an older portrait of myself amble towards me. I knew not to, as it'll bring her unnecessary distress.

With one more glance at the picture-perfect scene, I turn away.

I'm happy for you. You have given me an ending to a chapter today that I never knew I needed. You have given me the strength to slay one more monster, to move on as you have.