Memories Are Sometimes Louder

There's something about death that's so uncomfortable, and truthfully I almost didn't even write this article because of this. People expect that when someone close to you dies, you're immediately expected to move on. No questions asked, but truthfully you go from outwardly grieving to silently internalizing- and that's the part truthfully that isn't talked about. Silently coping with how to pick up the pieces, and it seems like you are alone.

People give their condolences in the beginning. It then evolves into the sad Facebook posts where people photo dump all their memories into one big montage. Stating to "Rest In Peace" on their wall as if they would ever see it. You go to the funeral, you lay your loved one to rest, and then you deal with the lingering affects after. Eventually the meals people made for you in the beginning stop coming, and the check-in calls fade. Their Facebook page falls completely silent and turns into this empty grave yard of their previous thoughts and feelings. This is the cycle we see.

It's almost a numbing experience. I have seen it time and time again over the years. Even now I have friends on my Facebook who have passed on and their timelines look exactly like this. Every now and again you see the tag where someone tags them in an old memory. But what gets me is, there seems to never be enough pictures. Not enough memories frozen in time- and as you get older you change, but they stay the same. I noticed this when Jake passed away last week. I was looking through old photos and realized I hadn't taken any photos since 2014, and it's one of my biggest regrets looking on it now.

If there is one thing about Jake passing was that life is WAY too short. You are not guaranteed to get tomorrow. So I want to start balancing time with my boys as much as I can while doing stuff that I love. Life is a balancing act. It's not easy, but it's definitely worth fighting for. Seeing someone I loved gone, and knowing there's no way of him walking through my front door again is definitely a haunting moment.

I am so grateful for the memories and time I got with him. I just don't know how to piece this together when he was such a big part of my life. Like that guy was the first person I loved after having gotten out of foster care in 2012. My world was completely upside down and he helped piece that back together. And even though I moved on in life and we separated we somehow always managed to find each other over and over again, throughout the years. We always came back to each other. It was this silent knowing that we would always be there for each other regardless of what shit went down.

We told each other our darkest secrets, and the pain we went through in our lives. Goofed around. Just completely and utterly ourselves. And we didn't have to put on a show or fake it. No masks required. Just two broken people somehow stumbling around in the world. But Jake saved me in a way that no one could. Jake gave me the courage to leave my abusive marriage. Jake reminded me how precious life was and I was wasting it.

The last night I saw him alive, I asked him to come over- not because of anything serious. But because I was learning to be alone for the first time in a long time. When you are alone in your thoughts, it can be a dark place. Wrapped up in my sweat pants and a messy bun I answered the door. He brought me tacos from some joint and we just talked for a bit and laid in bed in silence. Complete silence. That blissful moment. He didn't question anything. We just brought comfort to each other. He had his own struggles, but somehow we both knew regardless of what would happen we would always be there for each other. When his alarm went off the next morning, I remember the sun barely coming up. The sky was a pinkish red, and in my heart of hearts I hugged him and had a feeling at that moment I wasn't going to see him for a long time. But I knew he'd always be back.

Then last Wednesday, my gut told me something was wrong. There was a heaviness, and I kept having dreams that Jake was gone. He literally kept showing up, only to get on Facebook and see the shear terror of people telling him to Rest In Peace. Like how the fuck is this even possible? This guy was 30 years old. He literally was just bouncing ideas off of me at the hookah lounge- like none of this was making sense. I couldn't compute that this person. My person. The person that I loved with my entire being was gone.

I can't tell you how I managed to get out of bed the next day. All I knew was I had to go say good bye. The universe knew I would need this. Literally I found out about his death just 2 days before his funeral. I got to the place where his ceremony was being held, and I put the car in park. I almost couldn't bring myself to go in. Not because I was scared of death- trust me I have been to plenty. But I had never been to the funeral of a man that I loved. I didn't want to think that he was never going to ride in my car or have a Vegas bomb with me. Or that he was never going to see my boys again. It was this stark reality, that this person's body was no longer him. Jake was gone. And we were all mourning the loss of someone who was there in different ways.

The boys were running around oblivious to the world, while I went and said good bye to "Mr. Jake" because that's what my oldest knew him as. "Mr. Jake" was sleeping on all accounts to Gatsby. I saw his best friends, his family, just people who loved him. And then there he was. My person. Asleep and the world shattered around me knowing he would never wake up. I went to his casket and I said what I needed to say, even though I knew he wouldn't ever hear it. That he was the only person I ever loved, and that hole in my heart, its not meant to be filled. It's meant to stay open as a reminder that life is too short.

That I am meant to love on my kids a little harder, that I am meant to do things I love and crush it. That I am meant to take chances- regardless if it breaks my heart. That no matter where in the world I go that memories are stronger with whiskey. But most importantly, to not judge someone for whatever darkness they be walking through. Love someone regardless of what stage in life they are at. That's when you know where your true friends come walking in from.

After I got into my car I looked in my review mirror and realized how much mascara had been smeared on my face- when I heard the amazing sweet sound of Gatsby's voice. "Mommy Jake sleeping. You saw your friend." I fucking lost it. How do you explain death to a 4 year old? I contemplated for a second. "Yeah buddy Jake is sleeping." And then he said, "Mommy you saw your friend. You see him again."

This one moment of him saying you'll see him again- reminded me life isn't permanent. People come and go, but understand no matter what but I know I will see him again. Someday I may fall in love with an amazing person, but they will never be Jake and luckily for me I know he's with me. Even his sister said it "he loved you." That's all I needed to hear.

So I have to keep going and I will be back in the world. Because he wouldn't want me putting my life on hold for him. I didn't do it when he was alive and I won't do it now. I just go about things differently. I still love him just like when I met him back in 2012 when he brought me a plate of cupcakes. Or when I eagerly called him from Boot Camp in the Navy to let him know I was alive. Or to tell him I was going to be a mom for the first time. Jake was the one I called. That safe space will always be in my memories. And I am so grateful for those, because no one can ever take those away from me even though death took him away from me.

-Kayla

Any tips sent from this article will be sent to his sister directly, to help cover some of the funeral expenses that were accumulated from this. Or if you would like to directly donate to his sister I will leave her CashApp handle here. $MsChloeA

"I want everyone to know that their big or little problems don't bother me. I accept you. I am not saying that I've been through more hard times than you. I'm simply saying; don't look down on people who haven't been there for you in the hard times. They know their darkeness and are overcoming their battles at this very moment. Leave all judgements to God. Please spare your harsh words, for they affect people more than you know."

-Jacob Aita on June 20, 2017