Me and My Big Mouth

Me and My Big Mouth

The lift shuddered and came to an abrupt stop.

The attractive blond in the lift shrugged and said, ‘Bugger! That’s been happening a lot lately.’

I turned to her and asked, ‘Is this lift safe?’

‘Of course, the lift is safe; it's the power supply that’s unreliable.’

That got my interest. ‘How come?’ I asked.

‘The company and the employees all wanted to go green. You know solar collectors on the roof, a massive bank of batteries in the basement, that sort of thing.’

‘So, this happens a bit, does it?’

‘Often enough for most of the staff to use the stairs. ‘she replied

‘Then you’re a visitor here like me?’

‘Sort of.’

‘So, you knew that there could be a problem but decided to use the lift anyway. That bag of yours is a bit too heavy to lug up the stairs I suppose. But for me this is a disaster I didn’t expect. I’m here to pitch my story to the chief editor who has flown in from Melbourne, and now I'm stuck in a lift.’ I said in despair.

‘Perhaps I can help?’

‘Help? Help how? ‘I asked

‘Well, you could practice your pitch on me?’

‘Thanks for the offer but being stuck like this is crushing me. Maybe there is a God. Perhaps God is punishing me for writing a rubbishy green story. Perhaps he knows that I’m only interested in making money by pitching it to a new age publisher who is happy to live with an unreliable power supply.’ I replied.

Do you think you should phone reception and let them know what has happened.’ she said with a lovely smile that sparkled.

I try to settle down and keep the conversation going but blurt out, ‘I am only here because that slippery agent of mine believes there is a dollar to be made. The cunning little money-grubber believes that this publisher is savvy enough to squeeze a dollar out of the public mood for such a storyline.’

‘Is that all? Surely there must be more.’ she said with what I thought was genuine interest.

‘I suppose that I could add that I need to eat and that I'm a gullible optimist totally lacking in morals.’

‘As I said is that all? she replied in such an encouraging voice that I started to ramble on again.

‘No! I’m starting to change my tack. I think that rather than worrying about the amount of carbon being introduced into the atmosphere we should be worried about the number of people being introduced into society.

Maybe it would be better to be subsidizing birth control pills rather than solar energy panels. I ask you. Surely you must agree that there are too many people in this world.’

‘I might agree but only if you add vasectomy operations to your list of subsidies.’ she said with a smile that made me feel good.

I’m sure that she was not having a go at me and so I just continued, ‘Perhaps I should give up this writing thing. Perhaps I should set up a boat people smuggling operation.’

She laughed at that one. I was on a roll. It all poured out of me,

‘While writing this story, I realized that people only want to see the tip of the iceberg.’

‘You see, North America and Europe together have a population of about 1.3 billion people, something like the population of Africa.’

‘However, if you were an African in the Congo, you would get by on that countries total energy usage of about 500 kilowatts of energy per person per year while the U.S. uses about 80,000 kilowatts of energy per person.

‘India has about the same population as China, but in a few short years, China has come from using almost nothing to approaching that of many European countries.

India sadly languishes at insignificant amounts yet sadly is a major polluted due to outdated old world infrastructure. A wonderful market for people smugglers there.’

As I paused to collect my thoughts she said, ‘You sound like you are very concerned.’

‘I am. I think I’m becoming a green believer and not a green exploiter.

What I have learned is that China has proved that all peoples of the world want to enjoy the same privileges as us. Economic slavery is in the past. It will not be long before the Chinese wake up to the benefits of Democracy.’

‘Listen to that. That clunking noise is the sound of the lift starting.’ she said.

What a sense of relief. As the doors opened things didn’t seem so bad. She turned to me and said, 'You’re too nice to be a people smuggler.’

There she goes with that mischievous smile again. Oh no, did I just hear her say, ‘See you in the meeting room after I freshen up from my early flight.’

The End