Married?

I always wanted to be married. Part of it was because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. As a kid I thought every adult couple that I knew was husband and wife. Of course I got older and realized that wasn't the case. However that didn't discourage me. I still wanted it more than anything in the world. I wanted the wife, the kids and the dog.

I wanted it the right way too. At least what I've been taught was the right way. Meet a nice woman, fall in love, get married and then have kids. Unfortunately that was not how things turned out for me.

I thought I was in love once but that's a story for another time. This is the story about my marriage.

The woman I married wasn't a nice woman. She was just a girl that was willing to be an active participant in sexual activity at the time. I was still in my twenties and in the having fun stage of my life. That's what we called it just having fun. That fun quickly turned into responsibility. See in the process of having fun we didn't take the proper measures of protecting ourselves. We never thought about sexual transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy. Fortunately for us it was the latter of the two that got us. That was the first time I had to be my realest self.

I didn't want this baby and I know she didn't either. For me though there was no decision to be made. I was a firm believer in abortion being murder and so we were having this baby.

I started to think that my dreams of being married were over. I was having a baby that I was going to have to be devoted to. There wasn't anyway that I was going to have time to find a wife now. The woman that I was having a baby with isn't a woman that I could marry.

I'm not going to lie though. There was a bond between us. We'd had a beautiful baby girl. That led us to thinking maybe we could be a family. That also led us to another baby. Another baby girl. Yet we were no closer to being married than we were before. In fact we were not in a relationship at all. At this point we had even stopped being friends.

I was living in an apartment with my brother at the time and she ended up being homeless. She had spent time living with family but with two infant daughters that was becoming an issue. I didn't want my babies in a place like that. I didn't think that it was fair for me to have a place to live and my children not.

So I decided to rent a house for her and the kids to live in. My mother had advised me against this. She knew that I could not afford to pay my bills and rent this house. So my mother knowing who I am told me that I was going to have to move in the home with the woman and kids. She knew that I could never take daughters from their mother. So I did it. I moved in there with them.

At this point there was no turning back now. There was definitely no way I was going to find a wife at this point. I was pushing thirty and living with a woman and our two kids. So part of me did start to think that maybe this woman was going to be my wife. That this was going to be the family that I wanted. So since I had also wanted a son we had another child together that was also a girl. Then in a last ditch effort to have a boy and make this work we had one more daughter.

But it still wasn't working. We weren't even close to being married. We weren't even really in a relationship at all. Yeah I paid the bills and came home. Yeah I changed diapers, made bottles, took care of all of my girls. Yeah I didn't go out with other women. Yeah I walked around proud with my family. That wasn't because I was happy. That wasn't because I was living my dream. That was because that's who I am. As a man that's what I felt I had to do.

Outside to the world, my family and friends and anyone who'd ask she was my wife. Inside the home she wasn't even my girlfriend. She even started dating another man. There was even starting to be questions of these children really belonging to me. It was ok though. I had my daughters all together. They had their mother and father together in one home. They were clean, fed, and safe. That's all that mattered to me.

Then I was able to aquire a house of my own. So we all packed up and moved there. Before we got there though a conversation had occurred that may have been the cause of it all going downhill. I told the woman that she did not have to come if she didn't want to but my daughters were going with me! She agreed to go but I knew she didn't like that at all.

After a while the arguing became unbearable at times. I didn't even understand what we were even fighting for. I took care of home. I went to work and came home and dealt with my girls. I did almost all of the cleaning. All of the homework, the laundry I even started cooking and I hate cooking. That was me though. I didn't care. I was supposed to.

She was doing whatever she wanted to. Most of the time I had no idea where she was or who she was with. I didn't care either. I had my girls and that's all that mattered.

Then there was the big fight that led to our marriage. It's funny how love, and children couldn't lead us to the alter but a fight could. I should've known then that our marriage was doomed from the start. I don't even remember what the fight was about all I remember was the outcome. I ended up telling her to leave.

She packed up her bags. She also packed up the kids bags. I didn't want my girls to leave. I knew with four girls all under the age of ten that she wasn't gonna have anywhere to go. So I asked her what would it take for them to stay. I didn't want to take them from their mother but I didn't want to lose them either.

To my surprise she said if we were married then she'd feel more comfortable with our situation. So once again being the real me I agreed. I was going to keep my daughters at all cost. I didn't care about anything else. So we got the marriage license and as soon as it came back we got married. No wedding, no party, no announcement nothing. My grandmother who's pastor came to my house said a few things and signed the papers. That's how we got married.

A little part of me thought things would be better. We got married. Moved into a bigger house in the county. I thought that maybe it could work but it didn't. On the outside she was my wife. On the inside I didn't know who she was. In the house we led very separate lives. She lived upstairs and I lived down. I had my own bathroom and shower downstairs so I rarely went up to her room. There were rare occasions that we could watch a movie or remotely hang out but for the most part we barely even spoke to each other.

In being the real me I was living a very fake life. Fake Thanksgiving dinners. Fake Christmas celebrations. Fake wife. Fake everything.

Then I started to notice a real change. The going out became more frequent. Then the different men became more frequent. Then the drug usage started. My wife who I had known to drink on occasion started smoking weed. Then she started taking pills and snorting cocaine. I didn't like it but who was I to tell her to stop. I wasn't her father. Hell I wasn't even really her husband.

Being the real me though I endured it. Kept working and taking care of my girls. I even enabled her a little. Buying her drugs and being supportive of her even though I didn't approve. I just wanted to keep the peace. All I wanted to do was work and be with my daughters.

Now I'm not sure if it was the drugs or if there was something else going on with her. To this very day she won't tell me what happened. It's like she has a delusion of our life together. Whatever the case may be, she had become physically abusive. She's wrapped a towel around my neck and choked me. She's stabbed me. She's put cigarettes out on my face. She was physically attacking me.

Once again though me being the real me I never physically hurt her. I've never punched her, or slapped her at all. The most I've done is restrained her from hurting me. I never put my hands on a woman. That's not who I am. I'm proud to say that my daughters have never seen me hit their mother. I stayed hoping each day that I came home that either she wasn't there or that she was in a good mood.

I even tried to accommodate her. She started having men in the home. I just would call when I was on my way there so she could get them out before I got home. I let her aunt and cousin live in our home hoping that would help. I even let her friends come in and out freely even though I knew that they were doing drugs. Anything to stay.

Then she did something I never thought would happen. She put a restraining order on me. She told the courts she needed protection from abuse. I still laugh about it till this day. She needed protection from the man that was taking care of her and our daughters.

When the police came to throw me out of my own home I refused to leave and was arrested. I was charged with criminal contempt of court. I didn't bail out. I stayed. Being the real me I had faith in the truth. I thought that I'd have my day in court. I did, it just wasn't the day that I thought. She was granted the order for three years. I was evicted from my own home and sentenced to six months probation and a mental evaluation.

That was five years ago. I've lost everything. My daughters, two of which I can barely talk to at all. Both of my homes are gone. All of my money is gone. Funny thing is that all I still have left is my marriage. I've filed for divorce three times and she refuses something that I also don't understand.

All my life I was taught to be yourself. I was taught to have values. I was taught to stick to your guns. Be a man. Those are the things that make me the realest me. Also in being the real me I wouldn't change a thing.

If I had my daughters wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have those good memories of the times we had together before things fell apart. Being the real me, for a chance to be with my daughters I'd do it all over again. It's just crazy to me how the realest me led to the fakest life, my marriage.