Marriage Is a Scam. There, I Said It. Blame My Husband

I’m not sure who came up with that saying, but I’ve often wondered what experiences led to that conclusion.

Did they discover their spouse was married in another city?

Did it turn out all the money he said he had while dating was 'audio'?

Maybe wifey finally came clean about the ‘Uncle’ that sponsored their wedding and honeymoon vacay?

Or, like me, did their husband sell them one thing while dating, only to change his product description after tying the knot?

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One of the things I found most refreshing when I met Sammie was the fact that he wasn’t crazy about football (soccer) like most Nigerian guys. Oh, there were the occasional mentions or times he would discuss the national team with friends. But nothing near the fanatical energy many dudes have with the premier league or champions league, or whatever other leagues they argue about. We would wear the same incredulous look whenever we heard guys at a nearby viewing center roaring or wailing, depending on how their teams were performing at the time.

So, this was my reality.

Year 1 – Status Quo

Year 2 – Still the man I knew

Year 3 – No changes

Year 4 – Still Status Quo

Year 5 – My man still didn’t care for football

It was a little after we’d been dating for five years that I noticed the change. It started innocently enough, with him considering adding sports illustrations to his artist portfolio. That didn’t faze me.

Meanwhile, long before this time – basically, since I’ve known him – he’s been a Kelechi Iheanacho fan. Don’t ask me why. I’ve asked him myself if he knew the dude in a former life.

If I know nothing about football, thanks to this man, I at least have a vague awareness of Kelechi going from Man. City to Leicester and Guardiola doing him dirty (according to hubby); how he was injured early on in Leicester and was out for a while, etcetera etcetera. That I could live with.

But by mid-2020 or thereabout, my man had become a full-blown Liverpool fan (please insert eye-roll!). I’m not sure how that happened, but now, the names Salah, Mané, van Dijk, Henderson, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Minamino, Williams, and Klopp sound too familiar. Gosh! Didn’t know just how deep I'd gone until I started listing those names.

Now, Goal.com does not cut it anymore; we made multiple trips to the DSTV Head Office because he has to watch live matches. (Unrelated: Who knew getting DSTV is like Mafia business? Story for another day).

Now, I legit pray for Liverpool to win their matches because, otherwise, Sammie’s mood tanks, and I get unsolicited commentary on how Klopp should have started Mané or how somebody was stingy with the ball. Again, I’m starting to know way too much about this thing.

So yeah, there you have it. My own husband scammed me, and what’s a girl to do? When I ask how he could just switch, I usually just get a shrug.

So, I’m thinking of my revenge. When you see me at an owambe every Saturday, just know who did this to me.

Urgh, who am I kidding? Homebody life is bae (absolutely no disrespect to social butterflies; you guys are the real MVP!).

I’ll think of something more achievable. Until then, remember that, if marriage is a scam, everything and everyone else is, because, who or what doesn’t change?

Ouch.