Love Stronger Than A Lover

Mom,

Thank you for raising me as your own. I know it must've been a hard one to deal with as my personality is not from your own and with an adoptive child comes barriers, baggage and a little human not certain on their life. You did a wonderful job as a single parent. I apologize for being a nuisance most of the time but I know that you still love me. You are such a special precious blessing to me. I know I don't appreciate you enough but I need for your sad yet beautiful heart to know just how much I love you and by how much you really mean to me. My heart aches at your insecurities but I need for you to see and believe in yourself for who you truly are. Who you are is my mother. The one woman who I will always look up to even though I've been taller than you since the fourth grade. The one woman who knows how to nurture and embrace my talents. The one who knows how to counsel me when times get tough. The one who loves me hard and has been here for me for a great portion of my life.

Some say you may have failed me as a mother but your love was stronger than a lover and I'll respect you for it for an eternity. I don't know where people view their right to even express that as it is so out of place but my mother cannot control who I am and what I had gone through. As being a demented child had nothing to do with the way I was raised but rather much by the way my genetics and inner life reacted by the way of the world. You may not be by blood but have been mine longer than my memory allows me to know. You are kind and you are sweet and although those are not my genetics I have still surely learnt a lot from this beautiful woman whom I call mom. I just love all of the kindness, bravery, and love she has taught and shown me over the years. These things will stay in my heart for a lifetime. Forever appreciated & forever something I admire of her. I adore you mom. Do me a favour please and the favour is to be happy with yourself and the job you did with me. I know I was hard to manage and lowkey still am but as I have been maturing I have realized I was not exactly the best to you. Which I am so sorry for. You deserved a better daughter. A daughter not so full of anger and self hatred. A daughter who could have been a blessing to you rather than this burdened mess you have had to deal with for nearly 21 years. Yeah, I know I am late on this but I am going to keep trying to make you proud. The thing is... I just do not know where to begin for that slate.

Believe me when I call you beautiful. You are a true beauty inside and out. I hope and would get down on my knees to pray that you love yourself just as much as I do. Surely I love you so much. You're getting older and its only pushing me to enjoy time with you more. I'm extremely sorry from the bottom of my heart for the way I allowed my mental health affect our relationship but I am trying here to make amends with the difficulties life has thrown at me. Also I am trying to do great things and make you proud of me. I know in my shallow life I may have done things to disgrace you and the family. In the life of mine that you do not witness enough of I had fallen in deep to the life of drugs and wanting to fit in. Wanting to understand my pain, my hurt, my trauma's. None of these things caused by you but blindly held me as a captive to my own despair. Things as my younger self could never express to you in ways where you would know or understand why I had been making these choices for my life.

You’ve never let me down. Although each day was a battle I had to face you would hold my hand and guide me to a safe place. As a sad child my mothers arms where a safe place and to this big age I still find myself curling up to her to show her my love hasn’t changed and I’m still her baby girl. Her love towards me has never changed either and I’m so beyond blessed to have been granted the opportunity to be this ones child. She’s done a stellar job at being herself and I shall show my gratitude and appreciation for my mother until the end of time.