Love Letters to Anne

So, we were adrift, staring at the same sky in the night…wondering about each other…only our homesickness to guide us.

We were going to have a party. I was going to drink until I found sweet Abyss. But something else happened that night. My friend who was with us, he got into the vodka and drank about 3/4 of the bottle. I decided to watch over him as he got sick and flailed about the room in his stupor.

I was with him for a few hours until after the dry heaves left him…he fell asleep finally and I discovered the party had raged on and all the booze was gone.

I was a little bummed. Sweet Abyss missed. And then a friend of a friend slides up to me as I’m having a cigarette with my thoughts and he pulls out a dugout.

He loads the pipe and smokes a little then asks me if I want any. I asked him what it was and he said it was marijuana…I contemplated this new development, the alcohol was gone and everyone else was silly in their artificial joy. I jumped and took a hit. Then, another, and sweet Abyss came as the curtain fell upon me.

I was there. In my sacred place. And felt peace of mind although a little dizzy. I wandered around the neighborhood stoned, and thought the deep thoughts that come to you when you’re stoned.

I must say, I enjoyed it. Thoroughly. It lifted me up and the dread I felt lifted. Things were suddenly possible. Even though I had no idea how things would move to satisfy my destiny. But I felt the Voice soothing me. Reassuring me and I believed in it. That message that came through: everything was going to be ok.

The next morning, I knew my life had changed. No pain, no consequence would move me. I had a new mistress who would walk with me into the Abyss. Her name was Mary Jane.

I was 17.

She satisfied my cravings for the Void. She led me to the clearing where I could let go of the noise crowding my mind. She helped me focus. I went deeper. I went higher. I moved in consciousness into and expanded universe. Escaping the black hole that was my life, that clouded my mind.

I now had another way. A way without the pain that alcohol demands of you. I would take every opportunity that came my way to fly into the Void. Sweet Abyss. To run from the pain, numbness welcomed and achieved. A side distraction to help me carry the weight of the burden I felt. The Void gave me a feeling of fullness that I had nowhere else.

My mission was unchanged. However, I now had another tool to cope and deal with my depression that I was crushed under.

You see, I was empty of everything except anger and hate. I was angry at my life, I hated myself. I had good reason to believe I deserved this exile. I was going to find them somehow. And then I would have the answers to the mystery of my life. I would ride the waves of outrageous fortunes to my date with destiny.

For a long time, I was consumed with survival. This little distraction, kept me going at times. Sure, I was self medicating, but, I had no access to medical help and we do what we do to get by.

I was chaotic evil but had a code of honor and I had morals, such as they were. I lived by this code to carry me through. I chose the Golden Rule to live by. Live and let live, but don’t force my hand because I was wounded and would act out, self destruction was an evolutionary condition.

I needed to get my head right. Mary always helped. I was lost in a tunnel. Following the Light while consumed by the dark.

One day, I would be free. So, I needed to start with my mind. Unlock the prison doors, and find love. Real love. Lasting forever love. Love unquestioned. Love unconditional. Pure love. I craved it.

I would not be denied. And all my journeys into the Void, all of them were a search for that love. That warmth that comforts and strengthens.

This is what drove me onward through the desperation.