Love is accepting each other's differences while maintaining what brought you together.

Can you accept what you do not like?

The comedian Sinbad once said if you can accept each other's crazy you can maintain a marriage. I was married for 40 years before my husband's death and we were together for 45. My definition of love is based on our personal experiences and may not apply to others. Accepting behaviors in your spouse and realizing you have actions that annoy them is very key.

What drew us together

I fell in love with my husband at 17 because instead of teasing me for weighing 97 pounds when we met he told me liked small women. He said he fell in love with me because I was a virgin and had an innocent spirit. He had been cheated on by 2 girlfriends who became pregnant by other men. A third girlfriend had other guys visit while he was at her home or she talked to them on the phone while he was with her.

Another girl led him on and when he visited her she was sitting on her front porch on her official boyfriend's lap. He was seeking loyalty while I was looking for acceptance and we found each other. In time I had a 36-28-38 figure while girls who had good shapes as teens and teased me gained a lot of weight and lost their figures. That was his bonus. He remained my husband and maintained surprising me with gifts. That was my bonus.

The difficulties

There were family members, his and mine as well as friends who called upon him for rides, night and day as if he was not married and I did not exist. I felt it was disrespectful to me as a wife but he did not see it that way. I would say out loud part of our vows "God has joined us and no man or woman will put us asunder which gave me a resolve to remain married. He became annoyed when I ate sunflower seeds with shells and got them all over the bed and throughout the house for the entire marriage.

I did not like that he struggled with smoking cigarettes for many years before he quit. He never understood how stress led me to let the dishes and dirty clothes pile up and he did not like the way my mother and grandmother gave unsolicited advice in the early days. I detested the way his oldest living brother at the time, talked down to him as if he were a child. Eventually, all of this passed as we remained together.

Accepting what you cannot change

We learned to accept these and other things about each other and our families as life went along. He would wash the dishes for me and clean the bedroom to give me a good start when things got cluttered. I would empty his ashtrays, pick up his underwear off the floor, and ignore the mood swings that came with his trying to go cold turkey. I even went to the store at night to get him a few loose cigarettes when he was having a difficult time and eventually, he kicked the habit.

At Christmas, for many years he would have a meltdown in JCPenny regarding some clothing item size or price. The children and I could count on it and eventually accepted it. We let him shop and fuss without interjecting and after he died we missed it.

He did not like that I was outspoken in my faith on Facebook and in a newspaper column I wrote. He said people were asking him what was wrong with his wife and I pointed out that he should be defending me as his wife. In time I processed what he said and admitted I was out there with some things and began toning it down.

What kept us together

My marriage vows of "to have and to hold from this day forward in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, for better or worse till death" resounded in my spirit often. Scriptures that said couples' bodies belonged to the spouse and they should not withhold sex from one another fascinated me. I hated TV shows where the audience laughed when a woman kicked her spouse out of the bedroom. I was determined that if my spouse went to another woman the reason would not be that he was not taken care of at home.

I never said no in 45 years and he never slept on the couch or walked out on me in that period. Yes, there were difficulties but nothing stopped us from being intimate except a few weeks after 3 pregnancies. I once told him that no matter what he did I would not leave him and that he would have to walk out of the marriage to end it but he never did. He told people in the later years that I was his ride-or-die. We kept choosing each other and I am so glad we did.

To sum up what you have just read I believe love is obeying those vows we took before God and witnesses and sticking together no matter what. We had sickness and health, poverty, and richer times. We experienced better and worse but never drew that line in the sand. Once you say to your spouse that it's over if they cross a certain line that's kind of it because as humans we will fail each other. Adversity made us lean on each other rather than tear us apart.

True love finds a way

In the midst of whatever we were dealing with we always held hands in public and sat close to each other in church. I would put an arm around his shoulder and at the cemetery after funerals he would always gently rub my back. I never bad-mouthed him to others because I chose him. I married him and that included the good and the bad. Whenever the thought "I didn't sign up for this" came to mind I realized my vows said I had chosen all that came with him until death.

Love to me can be summed up by the Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I am so thankful that many people have told me that they could see the love between my husband and myself before he died and some told me after. A female doctor once said she could see our love and Christian faith in action while he was hospitalized but I don't know what she witnessed. We loved each other through it all and continued saying I love you because we meant it.

I choose you I love you

Even on days I did not feel it, I would say those 3 words. The difficult moments would pass and I cherished the love and lovemaking until 2 days before he went to the hospital for the last time. I recall once when I said to myself I would not forgive my spouse and the Lord said to me "Have I not forgiven you all?" Ouch, that hurt but it gave me the fortitude to live and let live and accept all of him until death parted us.

When I was 15 I was walking down the hallway in school and asked the Lord how could I have a marriage that lasted for life until death. I believe He was showing me how all along.

Forgiveness and acceptance

My husband and I continued to compliment each other which I believe is important and keeps the love strong. During the last 5 years of his life, he told me I was as pretty as the day he met me and that I looked like a teenager. He told me I was still the best lover he ever had and he had quite a few. I told him I never wanted or needed another man because he pleased me and that his balding head was sexy to me.

Accept the crazy, but in doing so forgive often, maintain what brought you together, don't deny each other romance, and compliment often until death parts you. There is a saying that you love the sinner but not the sin. You can love your spouse while separating behavior that does not please you while remembering that you have your own issues. Saying I'm sorry and I forgive is important. That's love to me.