Love In Challenges

She was stoic, prideful, loving and had the strength of beef stock. My nana better known as Louise was a woman who persevered her way through life. An epitome of the sophisticated lady, wife mother, grandmother, sister church clerk and Bell Atlantic first black woman to be a telephone operator in the district of Queens, New York. She touched many lives and a leader in her own right. I always wondered about her story and what molded her into who she was. What were the layers that unveiled this beautiful spirit? Well she had a mix of old school, but she was a deep thinker but also strong in her faith. During her last stages of cancer is where her an I truly established a stronger bond as I was a young teen with a lot of challenges ahead of me that would transform my life for my highest good. I put my amour on to fight with her and assist her in anyway I could even though I had the least bit of tools to assist me for what was coming but I gained them on the way. She didn’t tell anyone she was sick because she was the strong one, she held down the fort when things got rough, she handled the business as they would say. I look back and ask who was strong for her who took care of her when she felt weak or even a little inadequate. I can hear her say it now “God”. She needed support, compassion, love and kindness more than ever.

This thing called cancer shut down her mobility skills within two weeks of me finding out about her diagnosis but during that time she let me into a place of vulnerability where I had never been. I thought she was so perfect and had it all together but this time I seen someone fight to be able to express themselves. It was things, thoughts and words left unsaid but during this time she shared her wisdom and bared her soul to me. She showed me how to pay my bills and keep my finances in check as we did the bills together because she could no longer write her own name legibly, so I held her hand. I was able to see here bare as I washed her in her bed with love and compassion as she felt helpless, she knew in her heart that I was doing my best to be her rock as she once was for her loved ones. I learned fashion fair makeup was the cream of the crop according to her because you were only able to get it from MACY’s, but she taught me to enhance the beauty already within her as we covered very few wrinkles on her flawless skin. She finally let her guard down and took her wig off and as they say your hair is your crown, she never looked more regal as she allowed me to fix her wig on her mannequin and then place her crown back on her head. She could no longer hide, and I finally seen her true self.

She was born on Dec 18, 1923 in a time where being black and a woman had their strife’s. She was the only girl out of eight boys whom she carried the responsibility of burying seven out of the eight and carrying the responsibility of taking care of her ill mother financially, despite her challenges she pulled through a warrior. Having a husband whom she loved and were married for 50 years she valued her own independence. She made history in her career at the telephone company and it was an achievement that had gave her joy but most importantly it was monumental for the world. She was very big on education especially because we were black. Being black and educated was an accomplishment in her book. She herself was self-educated and received her Diploma Equivalency in 1989 the same year I came to shine my light in this beautiful universe. Nana was a woman filled with dreams and aspirations. Inside her was a fashion designer, model and an activist. She valued being independent and having her own but on a solid foundation. Being able to live the life she wanted to create for her, and her family was dear to her heart and she did it, but she didn’t truly live her true authentic life. She didn’t feel confident enough to fulfill her dreams because somewhere that inner critic and the domestication of outside forces had gotten to her self-esteem. She lived by the expectations of other’s during here early years of her life and then lived by expectations she put on herself not knowing the roots of these were unauthentic. She found her voice as a church clerk where she was very bold and spoke out against certain things, she felt that were not beneficially to the people. She stood up for people and spoke out against the norm she was a light house and shined her light on others. My nana taught me to always have a fighting spirit, but her soul taught me to be authentic and be true to myself and live by my own rules. The villain she was fighting taught me it’s great to be independent, but we all need a helping hand sometimes and if we need one ask for it and if we can be that helping hand don’t wait to be asked. This has molded me to be on my journey that I am on today to fulfill my purpose from the heart and know I’m worth fighting for as well as my dreams but always keeping my faith strong and love in my heart.