Losing my Mom...

My mom passed away on August 12, 2020. She was very sick for a long time and didn't have a good quality of life. (At least this is what I try to tell myself and my family) Even though she struggled for every breath for several years, she was still determined to do normal things and spend time with her family. Each year that passed she was able to do less and less, but yet still did her best to not let her illness get the better of her. Don't get me wrong, she was very depressed and anxious, which automatically goes along with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, but she still had a zest for life. She had such strong presence and now her absence is unbearable for myself and my family.

My mom fought up until the end and was determined to improve her health with a new procedure which valves are inserted into the lungs to block off the damaged portions and to improve pulmonary function. Her last hospitalization was at a well-known lung center in the Philadelphia. She was going to her doctor appointment, even at the risk of contracting Covid-19 and she was so short of breath, they immediately sent her to the emergency room. She stayed there for ten days and was not allowed to have any visitors so when they discharged her, she was very happy to go home.

Two days later, she told my dad to call 911 and then went into cardiac arrest. The paramedics and ER doctors were able to revive her but she was only being kept alive by medications and the ventilator. She went into cardiac arrest again the next morning at 0250 am. That is when my mother left this world which changed my world forever.

My mom loved me unconditionally and was my best friend. She was the first person I called with good news, bad news and just when I needed someone to lend an ear. I could always count on her to put things into perspective when I needed it and she would never judge me. Now, i'll be going about my day something will happen that I want to tell her and then remember that she's gone. The fact that I will never see or talk to her again literally makes my heart hurt. The feeling is like a large gaping hole in my chest.

I'm still not sure if she's looking down on me since I haven't had any obvious signs, but I'm taking comfort seeing her in my dreams. I like to believe that loved ones who have passed on find ways to communicate with the living, even if it's subtle. One dream in particular I asked my Mom if she is seeing me in my dreams and she says "yes". In my dreams I'm happy that she always looks comfortable and not short of breath and she always seems peaceful.

It has now been two months and when something significant happens, I right away think that I need to tell her and then I remember it's not possible. After my mom passed away my one sister recommended a book about the stages of grief to my other sister and myself. My sister purchased and had the book shipped to me. I am reading it slowly and a chapter or two at a time but it's very comforting to know that there is no wrong way to grieve.

There is also no time limit on grief and even if you reach the stage of acceptance, it does not mean that you still won't hurt. I was telling a friend that this is the biggest loss that has ever happened to me. I believe losing a mother is such a deep loss for anyone and such a sad feeling to lose the person that gave you life. To be honest, I'm really not sure how well I'm coping but I know my life will never be the same.