Lose You To Love Me

If you listen to her song, it's incredibly vulnerable. Naked, even. She exposes the hurt and pain that someone else caused, making her hate someone she onced loved. Ultimately, realizing that this had to happen in order for her to love herself and move forward. Closing the door to what once was, for something new to flourish. It's messy getting there though. So, if you still are here after reading my parts 1 and 2 then, thank you for letting me expose myself (figuratively and literally)...but we aren't done yet.

When going through a heartbreak, you go through different stages but the final one, in my opinion, is acceptance. You might have been wondering why this part came a couple months after the others and to be honest, partly because I didn't think I was ready but also because writer's block. I didn't know how I could "end" this part without me being ready for it. Am I ready now? Well yeah, duh, I am writing this, but am I healed? No. I don't think I can be 100% healed necessarily. I still have trust issues, self-doubt, hate toward him. However, I feel the needle changing on that little by little every day. I feel myself having some sprinkle of trust/faith in the fact that there are still good people (men) in the world. I do love myself more and more, reminding myself that I am 'fearfully and wonderfully' made. Then here's the big one, I hate him a little less. Don't get me wrong, I am struggling to get to a point of total forgiveness and at some point I have to. Some of you just rolled your eyes as I said that and I am chuckling at the thought of it. Yes I said forgiveness because I am not going to be bound to hatred forever. I can't be completely free if I don't forgive but I can take my time getting there.

I do, however, like the fact that I emotionally, closed that door. You get to a moment when you see old photos and there's nothing. Not a tear or a tug at heart strings. Odd really, because I have began looking at it like if it's a memory from a past life. I don't know him or me, I just see two people. I see him in person and I don't see someone I used to be in love with let alone attracted to. Nothing. It's so sad when you think about it. How your brain forces you to adapt. I think that's what scares me the most about getting into another relationship, is that someone can be in a committed relationship and then eventually not want it anymore. "In 2 months you replaced us like it was easy Made me think I deserved it In the thick of healing" that part right there. But better off knowing the kind of human you really are now than in 10 years.

Now the chapter is closed and done. I have accepted that it is now my past and I don't stress the should haves and the could haves. I do not love him anymore. I no longer wish it could have been different, I don't carry misplaced guilt because at the end of the day I know I did everything I could and that ultimately it was not at fault for my marriage ending. That right there, I can live with because I don't know how anyone lives with it if it were because of their own doing. I just need my son, anything here on out I can 'grow' through it.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, is this the end of the posts?! HA. No way. There's so much more to navigate through; single mom life, dating life, co-parenting life, the list goes on and on. We are just getting started!