So, I got it, I know what I want to write about. I know what I need to write about to get it off my chest.
It really isn't much different than the rest but it's what I need to say.
It's going to start things with my family but that's not the first time I have written something that started a war in my family.
I am far from great, but I am far from the worse.
I am far from the best daughter in the world, and I am far from the one that my family wants to talk to.
I work hard each day to make sure that my dad’s family knows I am trying my best to end all of the curses and all of the bad habits that have been passed down, and to be honest I was stuck in it, I am stuck in it, and if you know my family you know what I am stuck in but today is day one.
I have done better today than I have in the last week, and lord only knows that I hope to get better each day. I thought I needed the reassurance from others to get better, but I don't I need it from myself.
I thought I had to work myself until I could no longer work or function, but I don't what I needed was to tell myself each day that I can do it, and I can be better than yesterday. I don't have to work my life away, because if I do work my life away then I truly don't feel anything at all.
I thought I was working to better my life, but I was just working to avoid my thoughts, I thought I was working to help myself get better, but I was only pushing myself over my limit.
The one thing I truly never realized was that I was turning into my parents, I was becoming them, in every way possible it was happening, I now see it and I now feel it. and how they did it for so long I will never understand it. How they got up each day and did the same thing each day to ruin their lives I will never understand I know that I will never be like that, because not only did they ruin their lives, but for the longest time they ruined their kids’ lives.
I used to say I wanted to be everything like my dad, and I was truly getting there, I was hiding behind the mask that he was, hiding from his family, and not showing the true him. I am not doing that anymore; I am going to be the real true me and I am going to be okay.
Soon I am going to be able to wake up and not wonder where my life went, what I need to do different, or not be happy with where I am at in my life. I will be able to wake up 100% happy.
I will wake up and be ready to start the day and not wish I could just roll over and go back to sleep. I will wake up and say I am ready to face everything that life throws my way. Honestly for the last couple of weeks I have just wanted to lay in bed sleep a little longer and avoid my life, and maybe that’s okay for a little while but it has been going on for a little too long for me now, and it’s becoming unhealthy, it’s becoming a reality again and that’s not okay.
I know that if I don’t change my ways now then I will be just like my dad, and that’s not what I want, I want to be nothing like him, and that might sound bad to most but if you knew my dad then you would know why I say I don’t want to be like him.
I’m far from perfect, and great, but I am also so far from being the worse. I know that I could do so much worse with my life than I am but I also know I could do so much better with my life, so from this point forward I am, I am going to do and be better. It’s what I need to do and what I want to do. I know I can do it no matter how hard it gets I will not give up until I am where I want and need to be.