Letter I wrote to my daughter

Lynn,

I am writing this letter to explain a few things,, since I seem to be unable to tell you my side of the story. I hope you read it with an open heart and mind.

I grabbed the back of your head because it was the only thing I could do as your mother to protect you. I tried to stop you from making terrible decisions that might put you in danger. I did what I always do- try to help you and teach you. I did it in the most gentle way possible, making sure I didn't hurt you. I am sure that, in your heightened emotional state, it seemed like I was out of control. I'm sure I scared you. If you take some time and really think about it, you will see that I did not hurt you in any way. Nor did I pull you by your hair. If I had, you can be sure that you would have been injured in some way.

You seem to have forgotten what you did and said in the hours before and after you claim I abused you. I urge you to take some time and reflect on what YOU did and said, instead of focusing on the 30 seconds I touched your head. Your memory of the incident is not factual. I suggest you spend less time justifying your actions and blowing mine out of proportion. I know exactly what you said and did, and we can talk about it if you ever decide you want to.

Regardless of what you decide to believe, you need to know that your actions these past months have been completely uncalled for. You have been quite cruel to me, and manipulative of others. Even if I did pull your hair once (which I did NOT do), I most certainly paid for it physically, emotionally, and monetarily. There is absolutely no reason to continue to act in the way you have.

You do not get to try to dictate my life in the way you have. You seem to forget that you are a 20 year old with very little life experience, and I am a 40 year old with an enormous amount of life experience. You may think you have some right to tell me how I should speak and act and even think, but you absolutely do not. I am the mother. You are the child. I teach YOU about life, not the other way around. I may learn a great deal from you, but it does not mean you teach me. Mothers learn a lot from parenting their children, but the teaching bit is strictly one way. Me to you.

It is that way because I have lived and experienced life, while you have not.

I have been through almost everything you have been through, plus more than you could even imagine.

At least you had a mother who loves you.

So...when I inform you that you have done something wrong, for example- take advantage of Jack, that does not open the doorway for you to belittle me, point out all my flaws, and tell me what I do wrong. It does not give you the right to interrupt me and tell me what I should say. Spend more time listening and less time trying to discount the person speaking in any way you can. Undermining me doesn't change the fact that you did something wrong.

Even now, after everything you have done, I am still trying to teach you in a gentle and caring way. I'm sure that, if you have even gotten this far, you have thought of a thousand things to discredit me. This is how I feel, however, and I hope you take it to heart. On that horrible night, I did what I thought was best for you. I didn't want you back in the house, but I told you to get inside because you shouldn't be driving upset, nor should you sleep in the car. You have two bedrooms and many couches you could sleep on- there is no need for that kind of drama. If you remember, I wanted you to go in the first place. Your horrible behavior was scaring Jack and myself quite a bit. But we talked it over while you drove around, and we decided not to call the police on you for stealing my purse, and we decided that we couldn't let you sleep in the car or drive upset. Jack taking your phone wasn't part of the plan, but I tried to make the best of it. If you had stopped screaming and threatening Jack for a few minutes I could have talked to him about the phone.

So you see, Jack and I both did what we thought was best for YOU, under the circumstances. I will not apologize for that. But I will try to never make that mistake again. I love you SO much, and always want to do what I know is best for you, but that has always made you so upset with me for reasons I cannot fathom. Nothing I ever do is good enough for you. It seems that you judge and criticize everything I do. And I always fall short.

You have been saying to everyone who will listen that I have abused you your whole life, but have yet to explain to me exactly what I did to abuse you. What are my crimes here? I have suggested counseling, but you have refused. From my perspective, I have done everything in my power to give you the best life I was able to give you. I have supported you in whoever you want to be, and placed no expectations on who you are. I have tried to teach you how to be a self sufficient adult, and tried to help you reach your potential. These are all things a mother should do. I am not perfect, but I have never once claimed to be.. I simply don't understand how you can say I have abused you.

I often wonder how you can be so bold as to claim you have been abused to people who have actually experienced horrible abuse. It is very distasteful to do so. Sure, you gain a great deal of sympathy and protection, but it is highly manipulative and very cruel to do so. You have lived an amazing and blessed life by comparison to myself and others. Yes, I know everything is relative. That you can't really compare abuses and so on. Everyone experiences what they experience, and abuse for one may not be abuse for another. But let me put this metaphor to you: you may be very hungry if you skip a meal or two, but you would never complain to a homeless person who hasn't eaten for a week that you are hungry. Both can be considered hungry, bit only one is starving. You claim abuse, but you probably mean you feel mistreated or misunderstood. Abuse is something different, and it is something I am 100% sure you have never experienced from me. Me telling you when you are being a jerk, a liar, manipulative, cruel, or otherwise abusive is not, in itself, abuse. Nor is this semantics. These are all very important distinctions.

Based on past conversations, you have always viewed me trying to teach you how not to be a terrifying asshole as abuse. But, see, me calling you out when you are being abusive is not, in itself, abuse. You scream, and say horrible things, and act threatening, and throw things...but you claim abuse when I tell you to stop. It is LITERALLY MY JOB to tell you to clean your room or pick up your shoes. Me doing so, even if I am angry that you haven't done so, is not abuse. Every mother in the history of mothers has yelled at their kids for tripping over something the kid left on the ground. Its my job to teach you to not be a selfish asshole and to be aware of how you impact others. It seems you have never understood that, based on your reactions to every single time I try to parent you.

Me breaking under the strain of being screamed at for hours, sometimes days, is not me abusing you. It's actually you abusing me. This is exactly what my mother and sisters did to me, and you know it. You can't verbally abuse someone nonstop for days, then call THEM crazy when they snap and yell back. As I have said before- when you do shitty things to people, they are going to get angry. You don't get to act the victim when they get angry at your mistreatment.

Another thing I need to tell you, that you don't seem to understand, is that Jack and I are afraid of you. You can be so mean, and threatening, and scary. He's afraid to do and say what he wants, in fear of how you will act. Hell, I am too. But I think it is more important to teach you that it is to protect myself from your abusive behavior, so here we are. You have proven that you will do and say anything it takes to be right, or to win. It doesn't seem to matter how much you hurt us, so long as you feel in power and control. It is absolutely devastating and terrifying for us.

I have tried to teach you of our families crazy streak for years, and it breaks my heart to see you embrace it so forcefully. I am glad you will never experience the precise pain to have your own child mimic the actions of the people who tortured you as a child. I simply cannot bear it. It is too much for me. If you ever want to change, I would very, very much love to have you back in my life again. But, if you continue acting in this way, I sadly will not be able to have you around. This breaks my heart, but it is your choice to make. You can continue on this road, that does not include me, or you can choose the road of counseling and healing with me. It's up to you.

No matter what you decide, know that I will always love you.

Bonus Letter #1

I have some challenges for you:

1- go downstairs and try to get in the truck

without bending your leg.

2- try the same thing, but without being able to

straighten your leg.

3- try to get in the passenger seat without using

your arms.

4- do the first three things while holding an 100

lb. weight.

5- tape bags of ice to every joint, then drive the

truck to the hospital, then all the way up to the

top floor of the parking garage without using 1

arm or being able to bend your leg.

Don't want to? Doesn't sound like fun?

Sounds kinda ridiculous? Yeah, Jack and I think

so too. This is what you ask us to do on a

regular basis.

See, we understand how you feel when you're

upset, and you panic. Me especially. But you

can't understand how WE feel. We have to deal

with major pain ON TOP of the anxiety and

stress you feel.

Sure, we are better at handling it since we have

experienced it so long...but we learned to

handle it because we had no one to turn to

when we were in similar situations to this

morning. We just had to handle it. We had to

figure out how to fix the problem.

I am NOT saying we aren't here for you. Of

course we are. But you need to figure out how

to handle life's little problems without

falling apart and passing your stress on to

others. You aren't doing yourself any favors by

taking no time to figure out a situation and

choosing to pass the hardships on to others.

If you can't do the things I suggest, then you

should not be asking other people to do them.

Period. You need to learn to stand on your own

two feet and figure your way out of difficult

situations. I know it may seem harsh, and that I

don't love you or something along those lines,

but really this is me caring about both you and

me.

So, going forward, there has to be

consequences to you expecting us to hurt

ourselves to make your life easier.

$1 for every item of yours we have to pick up.

$5 for every time you inconvenience us to make

your life easier.

I hate to keep using money...its not about that.

But it's the only thing we haven't tried. Think of

it this way- you get paid for your time at work.

Would you do the job if you weren't? You trade

your time and effort for money. If you expect us

to spend our time making your time easier, then

you can contribute.

Bonus Letter #2

If you want to keep staying here and using the car, there will be other ground rules, aside from a single chore a day and helping with bills (as we previously discussed):

Keep the car clean- no garbage left overnight,

wash and vacuum it once a week (blue car) (once

a month truck), no leaving bags and clothes in it.

All seats should be usable, and the trunk kept

clean with plenty of usable space. Don't leave

groceries in the car. Have a towel down for after work.

No more yelling. We are done with the yelling.

No more lies. We aren't stupid. We can see when things aren't done.

No more arguing that something is done when it's not. If we say it's not, it's not. End of story. You know we wouldn't say it's not clean if it is.

Follow these simple rules and you will have all of our full emotional and financial support, plus a free brand new car to use. It is a very good deal- something no one else we know has ever been given. I suggest you take it.