Lessons From My Father

I'm speaking to those out there with a father wound of their own... Or familiarity with what it is. Abandoned, abused, misled, lied to. It's time that father influenced trauma gets talked about, because it is heartbreaking to see it twist how people see and value themselves. We all deserve better than we got.

To give you an idea of where I am coming from when I say all this, allow me to illuminate the relationship that I have had with my own phantom father.

He left the picture when I was 18 months old. No one has actually ever talked to me about the divorce (they would prefer to shove it all under a big rug) but I've put it together a bit for myself over time. All I will say, for the sake of keeping this as light as it can be... is that there was domestic abuse, potential infidelity, and a lot of alcohol involved.

The weekends I was meant to spend with him as per the divorce decree, I actually spent with my grandparents 99% of the time. I love my grandparents, and I am grateful for the relationship that I got to build with them, but I know that I am not alone in this 'wandering gypsy father' reality.

Fast forward 21 years. I've done everything under the moon and sun to get my father to be in my life. Never did he show up for a birthday, a performance, a sports game, or a school dance. Every time we met as I got older was when I went to visit him at HIS house... I even remember the man asking me to drive him to the gas station for beer and cigarettes because he was once again out at the house and too drunk to drive himself.

(I was 19 at the time... and only wanted to spend time with my dad, so of course I obliged.)

I tolerated a lot from him. A secret sister I found out about at 21, drunk calls at all hours of the night that he would forget about by the next day, the countless times I have been told I am ruining his life, the gaslighting, you know... textbook alcoholic narcissistic absentee father stuff.

As long as I can remember back, I had a fascination with love. Trying to define it, to box it in, but the years of on and off communication with him, I learned what love wasn't. It wasn't conditional, like the only love he was capable of holding for me.

I don't say these things to gain sympathy, in fact I have had my fair share of it over time. I want to paint this picture for you because if you have read this far... a piece of you has experienced something similar, maybe my words are even familiar.

After years of this behavior, and him denying to my face that I have a blood sister, I finally called it quits. I realized that the relationship wasn't one that I could mend, because I didn't have control to do that. Nor did he care to do the same. What I did have control over, was not letting him hurt me anymore.

It is okay, it is HEALTHY, to set boundaries with your parents as an adult. If they cannot respect those boundaries, they are not healthy for you right now.

I left a brief message for him explaining why he wouldn't hear from me anymore (I might as well have been talking to a brick wall) and didn't talk to him again.

I'm now just shy of 24. It's been a year and a half since I cut him out out of my life, and I have just received news that he's had two brain aneurysms.

It wasn't until that moment hearing the news, that I realized I have never known my father sober. He always had a drink/cigarette in his hand, or was on the way to get one. To say he was emotionally absent is an understatement, and his current wife only added to his self destructive tendencies.

I still haven't decided if I will talk with him again, even if it is my last chance. I guess I hit a point when I realized that every time I spent time with him, I was always left hoping that day would be better than the last.

What I actually took away from it was at some point, you have to stop wishing for those better days to come and make better days for yourself.

Even if it means doing it without the parent that you've tried forcing things with.

So that's exactly what I did. I met and bonded with the sister I had never known, forging a relationship with her that was as strong as if we had always had one another. Our similarities are uncanny, but our differences truly bring out the best in each other. Here I was, 22 years old, in disbelief as my OLDER sister and I order the same iced chai with almond milk the first time we go out for tea.

I spent my childhood wanting for a love and a life that couldn't exist. I had painted my father as the savior in my story, and he wasn't. That determined how I entered every major relationship in my life. I was always waiting for someone to come along and 'complete' me, attracting those that were absent minded and emotionally unavailable (just like my father) or pushing away people with no drama to speak of because I didn't really know what stability was.

That shocking realization brought me around to the most influential lesson from my father that I want to share;

I knew for the first time that I didn't need anyone else to complete my story. I was enough, just as myself. So are you.

With love,

Luna