Judging Eyes...

Chapter 1:

From the day I was born almost before I've been judged. My mother was sixteen when she had me and somehow in some people's eyes that was my fault. My parents conceived me out of holy wedlock and that was my fault too I suppose. As if I asked for this life. The doctor asked my mother when she learned of my conception if she'd like to abort me after all she was only fifteen at the time. Thankfully, she said no and left that doctor's office. I often wonder if she has ever regretted that decision. Not that she'd ever admit to that. So, my untimely birth occurred and by the time I was three my parents had grown apart so to speak and had fought their way to a divorce. If you ask my mother she'd say she outgrew him even though she was younger than him and that they just weren't a good match which that much is true. If you ask my father he'd say she likely cheated on him and nowadays has realized she's likely a narcissist. I honestly can't say either statement to be untrue. In kindergarten I was judged by my teacher because my parents were sinners. I was always in trouble because of various reasons. I wouldn't be still during naptime, I wiggled too much on the rug during story time, I talked too much...etc. Any little thing and I got sent to the storage closet with the door shut. I'm told my mother did go up there to fight for me on my behalf. Shortly thereafter my step dad came into the picture and he became both my savior and the instigator to my mother's insanity. My life living with my mother was pure Hell and there is really no other way to describe it. Until I was eleven years old which is when my first half sister was born I was the only thing she focused on it seemed to me. I had to have the perfect outfit, the perfect hair but the main things that I remember to be troubling is the fact that I was not as good in school as she was and she simply could not understand why. And for the life of me, I could not live up to her expectations. She wanted A's and maybe a few B's; I brought home an occasional B but mostly C's and sometimes D's. That was simply not good enough. There must be something amiss! She would exclaim. For some reason your brain doesn't understand. So...my brain was...is....broken? Her judgments of what a daughter, her daughter should look like failed her. I had brown hair and brown eyes like my father and I've always thought I reminded her too much of her own sins. Of the judgments she received from everyone because I wasn't blond hair and hazel eyes like her and I looked more so like my father and his side of the family her sins were harder to hide. She couldn't take the eyes on the back of her head in the pew at church or the whispers in the grocery store coming from the other aisle. Did you hear...? People always whisper and look at you as if you aren't even there. I received those stares and whispers too. Then, to make matters worse I was not as smart as her in school and struggled quite a bit. I was socially awkward too and although I did have a handful of friends making them was clearly not my strong point. I was not much like her at all and that was distressing I suppose. We fought a lot...mostly about school at first. I'm told when I was very young she and I actually somewhat got along but when school started and it was made apparent I was not the child she asked God for, she'd been cheated somehow the fights began. Or maybe it's that she never really wanted me to begin with seeing as she was so young and then I was so...different... and she so young and she didn't know what to do with me or how to be my mother. Maybe it's both...either way things did not go as they should have. She, under the guise of helping me, started taking me to doctor after doctor to sort out what was wrong with me and why couldn't I understand my school work? Why did she and I stay up until midnight almost nightly trying to get my homework done? Why was every session of homework a screaming match? Why when I didn't get my spelling words right could she not make me understand? Why was math so hard for me that I had taken to cheating just to please her? Just so she would think I understood. This was back in the 90's and diagnosing everyone with ADD was quite popular so finally that is the diagnoses we got and so began my journey with Ritalin, Adderall, etc. And oh what a fun journey that was....