Irrational attitudes from black folk regarding death and cremation

I am black so my perspective on the subject of cremation comes from personal experience with other African Americans. When I was growing up, death was a natural part of life to me. I lived just across the hillside from our church and my friends and I often viewed bodies after they were put into the sanctuary for a funeral. When I was 4 years old the great grandfather of some of my cousins passed away. They had his body in their home on the night before the funeral which was normal at that time. The following year at age 5 I can recall standing in the church cemetery as the body of a much older cousin was put into the ground.

As a teen, I sang on the choir often during funeral services so all things related to death were familiar to me except one. Everyone I knew who died was buried in a cemetery and I had only vaguely heard of cremation. On a few rare occasions over the years, I would hear someone say that black people did not do it and this stuck with me. No one ever said why, but only that "we don't". It was in 2010 after my grandmother passed away that this option became close and personal. The first financial mishap was that in dealing with her illness, hospitalization, and death, I forgot to pay the water bill. They shut off the service and I could not have it restored unless along with the $100 bill, I paid fees, fines, and deposits totaling $300.

The next distressing thing that happened was when I called the man who managed the cemetery. Years earlier he had told my grandmother after church one Sunday that someone had paid him for her and my mother to have burial plots side by side. When my mother died in 2003 she was buried in hers without a problem, so I assumed it would be just as easy with my grandma but I was wrong. When I asked the cemetery owner to dig my grandma's grave he said I needed to pay him $300 to purchase a plot. When I reminded him that two had already been paid for, he asked me for a receipt.

This man is the one who called my grandma aside and told her that someone had paid for burial plots for her and my mother. He alone knew who put up the money, he knew my mother was in hers and he knew I did not have a receipt. He did not offer me a payment plan or say he would accept a certain amount down and work with me. He simply said, "Give me $300 and I will get you a plot." I was stunned and later told this man had "lost" records of others who had paid for somewhere to be buried but they had receipts and I did not. I was hurt that this church Deacon, a man in the community where I had grown up who knew my family for all of our lives did nothing to help me but only asked for money. I was shocked that the church did not offer assistance because my grandma had been a member for all of her life as had her mother. There was also the issue of a missing insurance policy in my grandmother's metal box.

The agent claimed to have no record of it on his computer but 2 years later it surfaced and was for $1,000. So there I was having spent $300 I did not anticipate, because of the water bill, being asked for $300 for a plot that had already been paid for, and missing a $1,000 policy that was much needed. There was also the fact that my grandma had borrowed $500 of the cash value on one policy which made it less than the face value. She had only $4500 to work with and it was not enough. I did not know at the time that other funeral homes would have done the service for less or that I could have said $150 by doing the programs on my own computer, but you live and learn.

I was $350 short of being able to bury her and I made the painful choice to have a service for my grandmother and then have her remains cremated. I was not going to give that Deacon any more money and I was not going to beg anyone for assistance. I did not know anyone personally at this time who had taken this approach and I was uncertain of my decision. This was not something black people did and I needed support but did not get it. Immediately the fall out began that changed my life forever. My grandmother's sister called me and said my grandmother told her she did not want to be burned up when she died.

This was a lie because there was no reason for these two women to even discuss cremation as they both had insurance policies. My great aunt's son called me saying the funeral home had told him something "bad" about what I was going to do to my grandmother's body. He then called a cousin who was financially well off and suggested she help. Her response was that she would give the money if I asked her but I did not, At such a time, those who could assist should have volunteered and I should not have been put in the position of begging.

My own brother called the insurance agent to verify the amount of money on the policies to make sure I was not cremating my grandmother and keeping money for myself to spend. When I spoke during my grandmother's service I could feel the hate emanating from many in the audience. I was later talked about by my family and people in the community where I had grown up because I did not have the money to bury my grandma. I felt like I was the woman forced to wear the scarlet letter and that cremation was an unpardonable sin. Where I wondered was Christian compassion and the support of family at a time when I needed it?

As time went on I began to notice that prominent black people in the community who had money were choosing cremation because a traditional burial was too expensive. Some had a service where the body was on display as I did for my grandmother while others cremated the remains and had a memorial service. Some simply had the body cremated and had no service at all. Even so, there are still black folk hung up on this method of disposal of a dead body. Recently a young African American male told me that he did not want his body to be burned because this was brutal.

The truth is that cremation simply does within hours what happens to the body under the ground in a process of time. It may take many years but dead bodies do decay and regardless of which method you use all that are left are the bones. The ashes that are given to families after cremation are the bones that have been ground into a fine powder. Cremation continues to be a sensitive subject for three main reasons. There are still those who choose it when they would rather have a traditional service and feel asahmed.

There are others who have religious hangups regarding dead bodies. There are still those who don't believe that black folk should do it. If you find this manner of disposal of the remains of the deceased distasteful, please keep it to yourself and do no mention it to a family who has chosen this method. I am thankful that more African Americans are evolving regarding cremation but not all of us have arrived. Some, just like those of other races believe this somehow affects what takes place in the afterlife.

Something to keep in mind is that there have been people over the years who have died due to explosions, house fires, or vehicles that burned after an accident. They had no remains left to place in a casket and there was absolutely no other choice as to what to do with what was left of them. I am doing my best to heal after what transpired after my grandmother's death. For a while, since 2010, when I saw black people embracing cremation I cried and wondered why I was treated so badly?

I wondered why my blood relatives and my church family did not embrace me and help me to get through this difficult situation. I have instructed my family to cremate my remains, toss them in a place of their choice and go out to eat should I pass away while this earth remains. I do not want them dealing with the trauma that I am still trying to overcome. I hope my story inspires someone to take a second look at this alternative to a traditional funeral service and cemetery burial and not judge anyone else who chooses it. The body is going back to the dust one way or another and cremation just gets it there quicker than being buried in the ground. If this information has been a blessing to you please leave a tip and thank you in advance.