Infertility = Empty Shell

The day I found out my fallopian tubes were blocked by the HSG test was one of the most painful days of my life. To hear the news that I can not conceive a child on my own, my tubes are incompetent. The only suggested procedure was IVF and it was out of my league.... well out of my financial budget. The procedure starts at $10,000 a round and that doesn't even include the cost of medications. When I heard the news that they were blocked the room felt like it was spinning . I cried for hours and hours and felt no relief . To be a woman and know that I may never carry a child in my lonely whom is very devastating. I feel so broken and hurt, some days I ask God "Why me?" I feel as if I have let my husband down. I feel like a failure, this defiantly has affected my marriage. We do not talk anymore about children. I know there are options for adoption ; but that may even be out of question due to some personal reasons. I just hope and pray that one day I can have a child. He or she is already named and loved.

Not to mention I work on a delivery floor so I get to see everyone's joy when they deliver a child. I get to hear the child's first cry. Some day's are harder than others. Yes I do get jealous, but I have learned to be happy for them that are fruit full. I want to know what it's like to feel a infant kick. I want to be a nest and give life. I want to feel the pain and joy. I want to feel the immediate skin to skin connection. People will say "Oh it's not your turn yet it will happen". "When are you going to have a baby you're married?" "Adoption is an option." Some people even say "Kids will ruin your life." Well I am ready for a child to take over my life and call me mom. I just feel so empty even though I have never known what it's like to be full. How can you grieve for someone who was never born? I do all the time and I feel so much sorrow and pain. Infertility is no joke! Doctors do not understand how much it affects your over all health. I went through a rough patch after finding out the bad news, I literally had no will to go on ; but I knew I had to.

I try to accept it and move on, but I will never move on. I am hoping for a miracle that some way some how I can get pregnant some day. My heart goes out to all the women that are told they can not have children. This is by far one of the hardest things for a woman to face. Just remember "You are Strong and You are Worth it!" I am currently working on myself day by day. Trying new things everyday, right now I am trying the keto diet I hear that it is great for infertility. Just don't lose faith and always hope for better days ladies and yes I am trying to take in my own advice easier said then done.

Best wishes Love, Rayna I hope you get your beautiful gift one day.