IN THE PALM OF MY HAND

Myrna came down with a serious case of FLS syndrome (Feel Like S**t), so we headed to our doctor. The diagnosis was that my wife was pregnant. The problem was that she had an IUD in place. The recommendation was to simply pull the string to remove the IUD. It could be done immeadiatly in the doctor's office and wouldn't require hospitalization. The next sentence was jaw-dropping; "…it will be a simple and easy abortion". To us, that wasn't an option, so, she was in for a difficult, complicated pregnancy with a high probability of a miscarriage.

About 6 months later her water broke and she was rushed to the hospital. The doctor pulled me aside and said:

"Your wife is in trouble and we might lose her if we don't get the baby out now".

We had two choices, either pull out the IUD, which is technically a late-term abortion. This was dangerous and I could lose both, my wife and the baby or he could induce labor "…which would greatly improve your wife's chances but even if the baby survived the birth it's not likely it would be for long…" he said.

I wasn't buying it and neither were his two sisters or my wife. Call it denial or call it faith…we just couldn't wrap our heads around the concept of losing the baby. My sister, Carita, who was a progressive catholic nun back in Detroit had a a huge prayer chain going that included our entire family and about a thousand people across America and parts of Africa (she was well known for her activism in the catholic church). So, I didn't hesitate: "….induce the labor," I said.

His birth weight was 1lb & 13 ounces. According to statistics back then he wasn't supposed to be alive, but the doctor said that when he pulled him out his eyes were already open and he seemed to be looking straight at him. His facial expression seemed to be saying "Don't even think about hitting me, dude" and immediately began breathing on his own.

Through my lenses he was a beautiful, albeit, a miniature baby, but in reality, he looked like a cartoon. He looked like Tweety Bird on crack. He had a big head attached to a teeny-tiny body, I could barely see his itsy-bitty hands or feet, but all ten fingers and toes were there.

For bonding purposes, they let me hold him for five minutes twice per day. He fit in my ONE hand. He had eye patches and had tubes and wires in every hole and needles stuck in both heels. The nurse had to place him in my hand carefully.

Tony was known as "The Miracle Baby" throughout the hospital. He lived in an incubator for months which seemed like years. His doctors and nurses were not just super-skilled, but they were literally angels. They made all the right decisions at the right moment.

Even though I didn't buy the prognosis of Tony's ultimate demise, in retrospect I remember a constant undercurrent of anxiety that I was only sometimes aware of. As I think back on it now my mood/affect changed over time and I developed excruciating, debilitating headaches that lasted for years until I discovered how to get rid of them. Cheez, my poor family, and friends…I must have been hard to live with.

FAST FORWARD. They released him when he attained a solid 4lbs. with a warning that he was at high risk for "Crib-Death". At that time no one knew what caused it, they just knew that some babies just stop breathing while sleeping, usually at night. My solution was to check for his breathing every 10 to 15 minutes throughout the night. Whenever he would stop for more than 15 seconds, which was often, I would thump the bottom of his feet just hard enough to start the breathing but not wake him.

When this kid wasn't sleeping, he was crying. Most times it was as though he was Richard Pryer on fire. None of our doctors ever found out exactly why.

For a while, I was the only one who could keep him quiet for a length of time but soon his big sisters LaNette and Ronnie worked their magic giving me some relief. They would change his diapers, feed him, and play with him…. did I mention…keep him quiet? I was so proud of them as well as thankful.

Myrna was a trooper. She went back to work as soon as she was able (maybe even before). She even worked doubles when she could get it. It was lifesaving because I was between jobs and selling jokes to comedians wasn't much of an income at that time.

I'm not known to be someone to express much emotion, but trust me I feel 'em. There were many more health crises with this kid before he was out of danger and before he became the handsome, strong man he is today.

Many years later, and after many bad decisions I found myself adrift and alone three thousand miles from my family [ That’s another story]. Anyway, to quote Sam Cooke " There were times that I thought I wouldn't last for long " ,but even then I knew that the best way to keep from falling off the edge is to conjure up a sense of gratitude, so whenever I needed to pull out of a funk and to keep going, all I needed to do was put an image of each one of my kids on my mental screen, and ponder on what Myrna had to go through and I would, just soak for awhile in that feeling that comes with gratitude. Yep, it kept me going then and still keeps me going today.