I Thought You Should Know

People act as if being happy is as simple as saying -- hey, I'm happy -- and BOOM there goes the serotonin. It's full of fickle emotions, consciousness of the fact you are you, and that you could die at any moment. Life, for anyone, is terrifying. We are forced to figure out how to live and be satisfied within it. While our joy is weighed in personal choices and uncertain variables. The older I get; the more I get life. The more I get you. The more I am you.

Age brings not only wisdom, but fear and regret. The more responsibilities there are, the more room there is for fear about what COULD happen to seep into your pours. You begin mulling over choices causing your body to twinge over memories about what we should forgive yourself for. It can becomes heavy and dark, like getting your feet stuck in tar, stopping you from taking a step forward. But, you've taken that step and you've travelled the hardest route to make sure that we knew light. You showed us a love so warm it turned us into torches on any dark road. You never let the weight of the world weigh you down. You've loved us in a way where all we know is how to over-love. I'm really proud of that Mom.

You've told us,

"My biggest regret is making my daughters too nice for this world."

"The world wasn't made to work for nice people. I taught you to be good and respectful, but being good starts with being good to yourself."

You taught us what you felt that we needed to know, and did your best. You showered us with love because you wanted us to know love in a way that you've never experienced. Yes, we needed to learn boundaries and took look out for number one, but you taught us to see the world in a way a lot people don't get to see it.

I've connected the dots, spun webs, and formed meaning through memories and stories you've shared with us. It's simultaneously magical and saddening that you've never complained. To know you've shielded us from even the saddest parts of you, makes me cry. I just want you to be happy: you deserve it. I know you say you are, but your happiness is still dependent on ours and without it, you feel like you have nothing.

You were going through so much pain, heartache, and uncertainty but gave it all to God and faith with four girls grabbing onto the bottom of your dress. That is strength. You were never angry in front of us, you never cried, you always gave the warmest of smiles with the softest of voices even as my dad didn't want to be there. You loved us so deeply that you made it difficult to notice him gone while never speaking ill of him. Your focus for us was to know love!

I worked really hard to get to this point in my life of happiness, success, and stability. I sometimes become fearful. In these moments, I think about your strength, I think about your life. I'm sorry for the times I didn't understand that you have feelings, wants, aspirations, anxieties, fears... for not understanding you are human first -- not just superhero mom. As I get older, and look at how my older sisters have turned into you with their kids, fearful of what the worlds can do to their kids, how I'm fearful about not having kids and having them, and how everyone in this world is scared of something. Thank you for never showing us that you were scared.

Please understand now though mom, it's okay for you to show us fear. Don't feel guilty about doing things for yourself, and please ask yourself what you want out of life. You gave us this gift, you made us who we are, and we are living and breathing. Now, for the first time, please love and nourish the person you are. I want you to know happiness. I want you to feel free in this world, because you've always made sure love and happiness was all we've known. But, no one can give you happiness. You have to decide it to be it on your own. Take a look at what you've accomplished with us and celebrate. Look at everything you've invested in, it has paid off with us. You will always be taken care of in this world as long as you have your daughters.

Mom, you've worked really hard for us. You've done everything in your power! Thank you for doing your best, now live the way you want.