“I love you mommy!”

Children are so resilient. They are the best at giving completely unconditional love. The best thing I have ever done to date is to become a mom. I regret nothing about that. I had my first daughter at the age of 20. I was out of high school and in college. People don't talk about postpartum depression a whole lot. It is real though and more new moms suffer from it than we think. I suffered from it. As I said, I gave birth at the age of 20. Finding out I was pregnant made me grow up really quickly. The fact that another person was going to be depending on me for every aspect of their life terrified me. I was still kind of a child myself honestly. Too late to turn back now though. The baby was real and growing inside me. I immediately got to work and started making moves. I was a manger at Popeyes at the time. I was making $8.25 an hour. That wasn't enough to take care of a child in my mind. It was barely enough for just me and I was still living at home with my parents. I left traditional college and enrolled in a trade school. I walked across the stage at 5 months pregnant! I became a nationally registered certified medical assistant and phlebotomist. I was hired in a multi-specialty clinic a month later. My pay rate was now $13.50. Next on my list was a car. I bought my car in January, gave birth in February and signed the lease to my apartment when my baby was 11 days old. Phew! Mama was busy.

So I'm trying to get used to my little family life. In the beginning of my daughters life, I made sure all her needs were met but I didn't bond with her. Every new mom I know could NOT wait to get home to her baby, but not me for some reason. I would get off work and come home and start cooking dinner or cleaning. I would do any and every thing but pick up my baby and hold her. Now, like I said, all her needs were met: she was safe, clean and fed, just not in my arms. She may be in her swing or laying in her crib. Sometimes she in her Boppy pillow on the table facing me as I cooked. She sat in her bouncer. My brain constantly filled me with fear, doubt and anxiety. I was terrified of being a bad mom. I didn't want to fail her in any way. I felt like I wasn't good enough. Those thoughts depressed me tremendously. But nobody knew. I went to work like I was supposed to. I held conversations and smiled. No one had a clue. The toxic relationship with her dad didn't make things any better.

I made the choice to reach out for help. I got on medication briefly. It brought me back around. I gathered my strength and left her dad (I'll tell y'all that story another time) and my daughter and I moved into our own little townhouse. I had gotten a new job that paid more than the last. Things were really looking up for us. At least I thought so. I thought everything was good, but it wasn't for my daughter. She has always been super affectionate and loving. I, on the other hand, am not very affectionate at all. I express my love in the form of gifts, not affection. One day, she looks up to me and says, "mommy, do you love me?" It caught me off guard at first. I told her that of course I love her, and asked why she asked me that question. She replied, "because you never tell me you love me or give me hugs". Now, I would say that I loved her when she said it to me. I never said it first. I only hugged her when she hugged me. So all this time, I'm buying her all these toys and taking her everywhere children like to go in order to show my love, but the whole time, all she wanted was me! From that day forward, I make sure to tell her I love her and hug her AT LEAST once a day. She is a teenager now and I still hug and kiss her. I even hold her hand sometimes. She has caught me giving her kisses in her sleep too! She says I'm a creep but I'm ok with that...