I'll never be even a little bit like you

They say, that parents should be an example to us, but since i was little i knew, i don't wanna be like them even a little bit. I don't know how were your parents but mine weren't like i think parents should be to me. Parents should be the main part of family, then there are grandparents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins etc.. They should be there for you when something upset you. They should be the ones who you come first when you're sad from something. Mine are maybe biological family, but not the loving family for me. I make my own family. People that i know for a few years mean more for me that the people who made me. It sounds absurd, but it is, what it is. If you know, you know. When i feel bad from something they are the ones that make me feel worse. I'd rather die than them know what is making me feel upset. I'm happy for those who have a loving and caring family. My father would do for me everything, like if we are arguing or if we are good together, but the way he treat me, i'm not saying that he's always nasty to me, but like how he's acting, father don't act like this to his own daughter. My father has anger issues, every little thing throw him off. He manipulates people, he can't manipulate me, he'll never succes, i know him more than he thinks. I'm like him, but maybe better version, maybe worse, who knows. When i was little, he travelled a lot with work, i missed him, now i don't. Sometimes i wish he was dead, or wasn't my father. He doesn't know anything about me or my life, even though he thinks he know everything. My mother, she probably loves me, but she would love me more if i was doing, looking, acting how she wants. He destroyed her. They both idealizing me. They divorced about nine years ago and i'm glad they did, because if they didn't i'm not sure if i was still there. I hate my father as a person, i really do, but as his daughter i can't. I mean if he would do anything, he's still my father. I am skeptical. From their divorce my father has only few girlfriends, but my mother, she had more than few. I don't remember a lot of them, but i remember the worst. The funny thing is, that my father doesn't know about them or doesn't know what they've done, if he knew it, he would look at me different, he would maybe gets me, but just maybe, i don't give the maybe a big chance. The worst came on February 24 th about midnight, i'm not gonna say what happened, just a domestic violence and then stalking and blah blah blah. Nothing for little kid, right. They were arguing more than often. My mother wanted kill herself, i was 11 so i don't think i should have been there. I am not sure if ever i can get over it, but what about my younger sister, i don't know if she remember it, if she heard it or whatever, but i'm not gonna ask her about it. He was manipulator. And there is the start when i become skeptic towards men. Not just men, but mainly men, you know. I just know, if i will ever met my fiancé, i'll never allow to my children ever experience something similar. My children will have a happy and loving childhood. They will always can come to me and tell me anything, i will never judge them. I'll kill for them. I'm not sure if i will even make it, to have kids. I'm really struggling. My mother deserve the world, even i'll never be enough for her, even if she knows what her words did to me, she will maybe realize, but she will never find out. If she will, i am not sure how she would react, maybe she would cry or maybe she send me to a therapist. Who knows, right?