I Am The Daughter of a Narcissist

You broke me all while telling me you loved me.

What does love mean to a Narcissist?

I loved you so hard I forgot to love myself.

I had no personality without you. I lost myself in things you liked because me being like you meant that you loved me.

If I liked different music I was mocked. I was teased for wanting to dye my hair and put metal in my face.

You could do it, but I was supposed to be better than you.

Your teasing was all done with a smile.

Because you loved me, you would say.

God Ellie, learn to take a joke.

You were disappointed when I couldn't be a vegetarian. I decided I liked the taste of meat too much.

You told me I could lose weight if I did it.

That I would be a better, healthier person. Like you.

I was 180 pounds, 6 ft. tall and fifteen.

You had convinced me I was fat, tiny and destined to be alone.

You would teach me ways to wear my clothes to hide my stomach and my upper arms.

The voice I hear in my head telling me that I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough, is yours.

I wasn't good enough when I struggled through math and science to bring home Cs.

So much Potential. Why was I wasting it?

You would brush off the As I brought home from my English and writing classes.

Writing was just a hobby, after all.

I needed to make sure I made it through college with a worthwhile degree, because yours ended up wasted.

You gave up on your dream, so that meant I had to as well.

After all, in the mind of the Narcissist, no one can succeed where you failed.

Because your life was ruined when you had me.

Of course, you never outright said that. It was always masked with pretty words.

You always made it sound like a lesson.

Don't waste your Potential like I did, Ellie.

You loved that word.

You were over the moon when you realized you could take my grief over losing Samantha and turn it into a career opportunity for me.

You convinced me the best way to honor her memory was to do what she didn't get to, and join the Air Force.

You made me believe it was the only way I'd get into college.

I wasn't allowed to be my own person. To find my own dream. It always had to be Your Plan.

Now I was the government's responsibility.

Except I got hurt. I got depressed.

I couldn't cut it as a Military Brat.

And I had failed you. Again.

Which meant you were cold. Distant.

Conditional Love.

That was your specialty.

I finally decided I'd had enough, and I moved out.

Out from beneath your thumb and your control.

I was eighteen and I realized I had no idea who I was.

So I did what I'd grown up watching you do.

I found a man that would tell me who to be.

I had begun to see the damage you had done.

I stopped coming over. Stopped calling.

That meant I was Ungrateful.

You would guilt me. You were such a good mother to me, after all.

You never beat me. You fed me, you clothed me.

What could you have done to deserve this mistreatment?

I was The Bad Kid. The Black Sheep.

And because you had starved me for so long of your love, it worked.

You had given me just enough crumbs of validation and support to come crawling back to you.

It worked because I was so desperate for your attention. For your Approval.

For your Conditional Love.

The men I attracted were just as toxic as you. I ran away from one Narcissist into the arms of another.

Except I could never see the similarities.

You didn't like them, so that meant they were perfect for me.

I overlooked the gaslighting and the Conditional Love that I was so accustomed to.

You didn't approve of me depending on a man. Loving someone other than you.

When he and I were OFF, I was your daughter again. You loved me. Supported me. Cried and told me you just wanted what was best for me. That you would always be there for me, no matter what.

But when he and I made up I was just a stupid girl throwing her life away. You gave up on me. You abandoned me.

I didn't know how to be my own person because I had spent my childhood trying so hard to be a clone of you. And no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough.

I chameleon-ed my way through life.

Until I met Him.

He showed me the girl that was hidden under years of constant emotional abuse.

I found out who I really am. He introduced me to Ellie.

And Ellie had a backbone.

Ellie had confidence, and thoughts of her own. Ellie was funny.

Ellie didn't need her mother's Conditional Love.

Because Anthony had shown me what Unconditional Love was.

Anthony had also shown me how to love myself. That my best was always good enough, no matter what it looked like.

For the first time in my entire life, I truly love myself.

I hope you know that I'm still angry.

I'm angry that you got away with it.

I'm angry that my sisters fell hook, line and sinker for your Bullshit.

I'm angry that you have lived five minutes away for nearly three years, and I've never seen you.

I'm angry that I poured my heart and soul at your feet, and instead of hearing any of it, you called my husband a monster.

How dare he give me the strength that I needed to finally stand up to you.

I hope you know that you will not know your grandchildren.

And I hope that keeps you awake at night.

I will show my children Unconditional Love.

I will do better than you. I will be twice the mother you ever were.

I am stronger without you.

I am successful.

I wrote a fucking book. I published it, and it's doing well.

I'm going to write another one. Hopefully quite a few.

I don't need you anymore.

I don't want you anymore.

I am the daughter of a Narcissist.

And I survived.