How To Survive A Toxic Narcissist

Allow me to begin this article, in hushed tones, by stating that I categorically have a very deep understanding of this subject, due to having been married with children to two extremely toxic narcissists who almost succeeded in destroying me. 

I am seriously lucky to have survived both experiences mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I got battered and bruised, but I am now fully recovered, if a little tired.

I should add that in order to protect the guilty parties as much as the innocent, I have had to conceal their real identities, as well as my own. For this reason, I do not use anybody's real names or physical descriptions. Indeed, to protect myself I don't even use my own real name. I use a pseudonym, and I do not use any photographs of myself in my avatar or in such articles themselves. 

From my lifelong experience, bad people, wrongdoers of any type, do not take kindly to being out, even if every single word used is true, in fact especially if it is true! As a rule, toxic narcissists like to snoop into everyone's business, but they hate it if they are snooped upon. And right there is your first clue of how such people operate, that is what you are up againstAnd now, as I sit back feeling very relaxed, I can reflect on the events of the past and deal with them without too much trauma. Also, I can compare those two previous marriages with my present one to see the differences as well as how a successful marriage should be.

Before I go on, let me say I am now happily married to an absolute gem of a woman who has totally transformed me for the better. I wish I had met her fifty years ago. Such is life I guess. Maybe you have to know the bad to fully appreciate the good. And so on we go.

Of course, in the beginning, I never for one moment thought either of my previous two wives was in any way a toxic narcissist. If I had I would never have married them in the first place. And now I'm thinking that they were both always that way, it was just that they did a very good job of concealing it, or I was blinded by love. Or, is it possible for a person to be perfectly normal, to begin with, but to turn narcissistic further down the line? I do believe so. For example, I have read of many cases where a healthy functioning family dynamic has suddenly changed with the sudden ingress of a great deal of money, such as a lottery win. All too often money turns people's minds to selfish ends.

So, when toxic narcissism does rear its ugly head, how can you tell? What sort of observable behaviour, or ways to be, give the game away? Here are a few clues. However, allow me to begin this part by defining what a narcissist is.

First of all that are basically two types of narcissism. A narcissist is somebody who adores themselves more than any other. They believe that because they are so adorable, they are entitled to everything. So a very selfish attitude and behaviour is one of the first giveaways.

Next we have the Perverse Narcissist. This is identical to the basic version with the addition of one very distinctive, not to say dangerous, distinguishing feature. Not only does this type of person want everything for themselves, but they want their victim to be totally destroyed. That way they not only own all assets, be they material or financial, they own your heart, your soul, and ultimately your life. A Perverse Narcissist literally will kill you to get what they want. Now with those very simple definitions in place, let us take a look at the signs.

Alienation

Toxic narcissists alienate you from your closest friends and family. That is because they want to strip you of any potential allies who might alert you to what is being done to you.

Manipulation

Narcissists will manipulate not only you, but also other peoples perspectives of you with lies. Often they will try to suggest that your are not in your right mind. This is an essential part of what is known as 'gaslighting.' It is part of the strategy whereby everything the narcissist does is seen as a figment of your over fertile imagination and not in any way to be seen as the truth of what is really happening.

Total control

A narcissist will do whatever they have to in order to take complete control of you and your life. They want to control your emotions, your mental processes, and your physical activities. The narcissist will demean, belittle, threaten, and physically violate you to get what they want. They want to put you in fear of doing anything which is good for you. In the end they will sap your confidence, your self esteem and they will create within you a distinct lack of trust in your own perceptions of what is real.

False accusations and 'Guilt Projection'

The narcissist will usually make constant false accusations of the very things that they themselves are guilty of. So any false accusations of infidelity are usually a sign that they are in fact cheating on you. Remember the golden rule, what people say about you says more about them than it does you.

As a rule, human beings tend to judge others according to their own set of morals and values. A good person will generally presume others they come into contact with as equally as good as they are themselves. Vice versa, all thieves believe everybody is just like them, a thief. Ergo, a cheat believes you are just like him or her, a cheat.

So I can almost guarantee you that whatever you are accused of, of which you know you are innocent, the other party are themselves guilty of. They are in effect projecting their own guilt on to you.

The selfish agenda

A narcissist will always expect you to put their interests above every body else's, especially above yours. It is all about them. And they will not simply expect to come first and foremost, they will demand it.

Gaslighting

Ahaaaaa.....gaslighting, a strategy that is used to convince people that the world, things, you, your family and friends, are as the narcissist deems them to be, whatever he or she wants them to be. Believe it or not, gaslighting is very common in modern society, the biggest culprits being governments and media organisations. 

Many years ago John Major, ex UK Prime Minister, once stated in a media interview that a politicians job is to 'Frame events'. Another ex politician, Robert Maxwell, also ex owner of the Daily Mirror, claimed that he left politics because he realised he had bigger and better opportunities to manipulate society by virtue of being a newspaper owner.

These type of people will try to convince you that black is white, that round is square and that their guilt is innocence. And this is where we come to another narcissistic ploy, victimhood.

Playing the victim

In professional psychology circles there is a saying, 'Beware of the victim.' That is because far too often the protagonist tries to present themselves as the real victim instead of the false victim which is really what they are. That is because there is mileage to be gained by being the victim. They seek sympathy and support, in whatever shape or form. And of course, if they are the victim, then that must mean that you are the oppressor, the bully, the narcissist even.

You are losing your mind

I have a perfect example of this in my own history. During the breakdown of my first marriage my mother came to visit us and my lovely (ex) wife sent me to the kitchen to prepare a pot of tea and a small plate of biscuits. In the short period I was away doing that task, my ex broke down into tears and convinced my mother that I was losing my mind, that I was falsely accusing her of having an affair, that it was all in my head.

When it came the time to take my mother back home, almost immediately, as we set off in my car, my mother said "Liam son, I want you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Doreen is NOT having an affair son, I know, I'm a woman, the poor girl is so worried about you she was in floods of tears son. Will you promise me to go?"

I said, "No mother, but I will play you a tape recording of her talking to her lover, and about how her sex life with him is going with her best friend and sister, if you like."

When we got to my mother's house I played her the tapes and her jaw dropped to the floor before she could mutter under her breath "What a lying little bitch son, I am so sorry. I really did believe her."

So they not only try to convince you and your family and friends that you are losing your mind, they will actually profess concern for you! How is that for evil manipulation?

Well, in summary, these are just a few of the signs to look out for if you think you are dealing with a narcissist. And the only advice I can give you is to get very far away from that person, as fast as you can, run like the wind, head for the hills. Remember, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it is indeed a duck. Go before it is too late. 

I did leave it too late twice over, you don't have to, you have been forewarned. Don't forget, your life may well depend on your early escape from such a person. Good luck and have a good life, it is a treasure gifted to you, you only get one, guard it well.