How to Succeed as a Parent

This year, my son, Eddie, started high school. He works hard and usually makes good decisions. He helps around the house, usually gets along with his sister, and is a responsible young man — someone we are becoming confident we can rely on. He made it onto a local competitive hockey team, has been working for me after school four nights a week, and secured a job at a local market on Saturdays and Sundays. He has been doing well in school (he knows he must in order to stay in hockey), and hangs out with his friends when he has free time. He’s a good boy (in my totally biased opinion).

Every now and then though, he messes up. He’s not perfect.

As a parent, it’s important to pick your battles. If your child does something wrong — is it something that you really want to address? Or something that you can let slide? Each and every challenge must be weighed individually. As parents, Ed and I have always focused on the long-range goal — teaching our children that every decision has consequences that you must accept. We focus on guiding them in their decision-making — helping them weigh pros and cons, but allowing them to make their own decision. So long as their decision is safe, responsible, and respectful, we allow them to proceed.

Now, this has allowed some interesting situations.

For instance, when Eddie was about four years old we moved to a new house. Hoping to soften the transition period I asked him how he would like his room decorated. He wanted blue walls, and a Cars bedspread — he was a huge fan of that movie back then. However, a few weeks later when we actually moved in, he took one look at the bedspread and stated that he didn’t want Cars anymore — he wanted a hockey theme instead.

How I handled this could have gone in a variety of different ways. What was the best course of action?

I chose to dig my heels in just a bit — even at four years old, he had to learn that his decisions had consequences and that he couldn’t just change his mind all the time. This was about to become a learning moment for him.

I told him that I had already bought the bedspread, and additionally had bought a valance for his window, and a rug for his floor. Returning all of these items just wasn’t reasonable.

As I steeled myself for a possible meltdown my little four-year-old Eddie shocked me. He considered the situation for a moment, then asked, “Do you think I could put up some hockey pictures on the walls?”

I was floored. Eddie had just made his first attempt at compromising. It absolutely blew my mind and showed the beginning of what I hoped was a responsible young man. We put up some hockey posters (Pittsburgh Penguins — his favourite team!), and he was a happy little camper.

Over the years, he has time and again proven just how reasonable and responsible he can be.

So, recently, when he screwed up, what was I going to do?

When I left for work that day, I knew he was in a foul mood. I also knew it was because he was tired — it was a Monday morning, and he had been away at a hockey tournament all weekend. However, I have little patience for this type of behaviour — if he wishes to play hockey, he needs to make it work around the rest of his life (meaning that the world, and our family, does not revolve around hockey and we do not deserve to be victims of his foul mood).

I wasn’t totally shocked when I received his text saying, “Mom, I missed the school bus. I’m just letting you know I’m walking to school”. I understood immediately the hesitation he must have felt before sending this text. I knew that he was supposed to have been on the bus twenty minutes earlier — so he’d spent twenty minutes figuring out what his next move would be. Figuring out how he would fix this.

It took me half a second to make up my mind. Being self-employed I have a lot of flexibility at work. It was a cold, wet, gray November morning. The walk from our house to the school would have taken him no less than half an hour — and school started in half an hour. There was no way he would make it on time.

I texted him back to stay where he was, that I was on my way.

As I pulled up beside him, I could see that he was nervous. My kids both know that work is very important to Ed and me and that we are putting a great deal of trust in them to get up on time and get on the bus. But we have always — ALWAYS — reinforced that if they ever need us, they are our first priority, above everything else. We will drop anything if one of our children needs us.

But they damn well better not be the cause of the problem, or they will get a severe talking to.

Looking at Eddie, seeing his face, my heart went out to him. He knew I was not happy, and he wasn’t sure what to expect when he opened the car door.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Mom, I’m so sorry! The bus was early — I swear! It was going by as I stepped out the door, it shouldn’t have been there for another five minutes!”

Whether or not that was true, was not the point.

I studied his face for a moment, then started driving to the school.

“Look, Eddie, you’ve been a really good kid. You have a lot on your plate. You’re working hard at school, at the office, and at the market. You’re working hard for your hockey team. You’ve been very responsible so I’m going to let this slide. I’m very proud of you and the work ethic you have. However. Understand that if this happens again, I won’t be so lenient. You know you can always call me, but remember it’s your responsibility to get to the bus — early.”

I had validated that I saw how hard he was working. I had reinforced that he could count on me anytime. I had also set a very clear boundary that this was not to happen again.

His shoulders visibly softened. He wasn’t going to be yelled at. I wasn’t angry.

I’m not confident that this won’t happen again. After all, no matter how responsible he is, he is only fourteen. He will probably miss the bus again (hopefully, not anytime soon).

One day though, it won’t be about missing the bus. It will be a phone call at 2 am asking for a ride home because he is too drunk to drive, or his friend was too drunk to drive. Or it will be a panicked phone call because he’s been in a fender bender.

The point is — I hope that my actions have reassured him that he can call me for help anytime, anywhere. I hope my actions have also reinforced that he is a good kid, making good decisions — so he can feel more confident in the decisions that he is making.

He’s not perfect, and neither am I. We are figuring this out together — he may not know that, but I do. He’s trying his best to be responsible, and so am I.

Until next time……………………………………… XO-JGF