How Strange.....

I sit here, staring out my shop window. It's sunny & warm out but it feels as though it should be cloudy and gray...or at least there should be some sign that you have passed.

I stare at the cars as they drive by and the car in an otherwise empty parking lot. Everything looks the same, and yet It feels so different.

It feels like such a huge change and yet..........there isn't a single sign. Its funny like that, death.....everything just keeps going while it feels as though one is standing still.

Its Strange, Your death feels like the end of an era. But life moves and breathes and another day will begin and end.

I wish things had gone so much differently between us. Once upon a time , i never thought there would be a day that I wouldn't talk to you...especially about the big things and the heavy things and the sad things and the things that don't make any sense to me whatsoever.

I wonder if things would have have been different sometimes, but then I laugh and shake my head and know that they would not .

You were you and I am me and that's just the way the road goes.

I regret that you could not share in my good fortune and the happy times that I have had, I know how much you would have loved some of the things that I'm doing and the projects that I am creating. I would have loved to have you with me and involved in all of the crazy things that I am working on. I know you would have had a blast.

I also know that you would have tried to take everything over and tried to run it all your way....and we would have fought endlessly over it. The fights would have been miserable and carried oh so much high intensity drama .....but all of that would have been irrelevant in the end.

Still, I would have liked to have had you involved. But we both know how impossible that would have been, considering who and how we are.

I know you would have been proud of me and the work that I'm doing, you probably secretly were.

Just know that while we may not have approved of each others decisions and ways of life.......There has not been a Psychic fair that I have put on, A metaphysical article that I have written, A class that I have created, a story that I have written or a painting that I've done...... that I haven't thought- Gee , She would get a real kick outta this..wish things were different, wish she could see it!

You were actually very supportive of my endeavors when you and my Dad got together, and I never told you how much I appreciated that.

I'm glad that you got to meet my son, I regret it wasnt on better terms.

This particular road that I am walking, well I know that you would have had some opinions on it and some advice(Some good, some bad and then just pure shock)....I wish I had been able to tell you all of the things that were happening when we last met, although you probably know more about it then I do at this point- wherever you may be.

I hope that wherever you are you know that I will not forget you, the good parts and the bad parts too. I will think of you going forward as I walk farther down this odd path I find myself on, and when I do i will hope that you find things that make you happy wherever you might be. I can hope ,anyway , everybody needs good wishes no matter what.

I thought of you as a Mom for a long time, then as a friend, then after all of the bad times ... I just wished you well but away from me.

I still consider your kids to be my siblings and I hope that in some alternate dimension you and Dad worked out and we were all the family that I always felt that we should have been.

I want to say that i hope you find peace or that your in a better place or that i hope you are happy.....but i know that none of these things are true.

So instead I will say that I hope you find what you need.

Happy Full Moon Laurie, always know that you are remembered.