How I met my dad

“Hello daughter, how are you?”

“I’m good. No, I’m not good. Can I call you back tonight?”

He called me minutes after I sent him a frantic one-sentence e-mail asking for his help. This came after more than a decade of separation. I needed his help, more than anyone else I could think of.

-

He was never around when I was growing up, and unfortunately, this resulted in me living my life not really understanding what a father figure represents. He provided for us financially and offered amazing, structured wisdom, but fell a bit short of the emotional support. The experience left me without understanding how my intimate partner is supposed to treat me. I was wandering all over the place in search of this crazy thing called love and looking in all the wrong places.

In his defense, it was not his fault; my mother was abusing both of us. Honestly, I don’t blame him, even though his actions were directly detrimental to my development. After I learned more about his time with her, I explained to him what I learned about covert narcissistic abuse and decided to teach him too. After surviving one of my own, I blame him even less. I sent him a frantic e-mail, because I needed unconditional help and support, immediately.

I found out that my then-husband was not only abusing me but is also a criminal. I told my dad everything because he needed to know. He needed to know so he could properly guide me going forward releasing me from a very delicate and difficult situation. With more than 40 years of law enforcement experience, he was the only person I knew could help me to the degree I needed, and I needed a lot.

He delivered. Not only that, but he continues to support my son and me, in ways my son’s father never could or was ever willing to.

As my healing journey progressed, it became clear to me my father raised me, even if it was from a distance. He taught me so many things I still practice to this day, and most of the lessons he shared with me I proudly pass on to my son. In my opinion, the effectiveness of our parenting is based on how well we are able to pass along the principles of behavior. The behavior itself may look different for everyone and the execution of the lessons is where our parenting comes to fruition. If the message gets across, the mission has been completed.

The concepts that turned into the wisdom I learned from him are:

• Follow your dreams; you can be and do anything you want.
• Follow the rules; they are there for reasons you may not be aware of.
• There is a reasonable explanation for everything; everyone has a lapse of judgment at times.
• Everything happens for a reason; the universe works in mysterious ways.
• Spend within your means; pay your bills on time, and don’t forget to save.
• Never expect anything; life is not fair.
• The proof is in the pudding; nothing can replace hard work.
• Master staying calm in crisis situations; it is best for all involved.
• Accept compliments; people see you in ways you can’t see yourself.
• Do the right thing; do it to the best of your ability, and with integrity.
• Everything comes down to money; but remember, it's only money, and money can't buy the things we desire most in life.

I’ve been told, many times, I was a moody child and quite the handful. Even so, there was always this unspoken understanding between my father and me, some greater connection we shared. Our communication was very often flawless, and we understood each other’s humor on a level neither of us could explain. I’ve done my share of partying, entertaining the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll trifecta like it was my job, and he knew it. In some ways, he even supported my exploration, as he never really seemed to have a problem with it. Even when I got turned backward, he was there providing guidance and assistance.

Our relationship has certainly had its share of turbulence. Looking back on it while now raising my own son, I understand he was only trying to help me because he loved me so much. I have a much better understanding of what he was trying to accomplish, but the push and pull of the relationships we have with our parental figures can often cause confusion and distress. The only difference between how I’m raising my son and how he raised me is the negative force of the narcissist is absent from my life.

There has never been any question in my mind about where my father learned the parenting principles he passed on to me—my grandmother. My experience of divorcing a narcissist and the neglect that comes with it left me in a situation where I had to step up to the plate and be both a mom and a dad to my son. My grandmother had to do the same thing because my dad lost his dad at a young age and spent most of his youth without a male role model. He was in town recently and stayed with my son and me, and during his visit, I was watching him throw a baseball around with my son. This offered us all a solid understanding of what was missing from my life, from his life, and from my son’s life—time together.

After years of wondering what my father thinks of me, my dad told me he was proud of the boy my son has become, and that he knows it is because I am raising him. I reminded him that he raised me on his own too. Even though he was primarily absent, I was still a daddy’s girl. I suppose I still am.