Smells like forgiveness

In my preteens, I suddenly got this desire to sew. Maybe it was because I watched my grandmother sew all through my youth, creating a natural inclination to learn. As a result, we spent a lot of time together when she was teaching me.

I started learning things about her as she told me stories, and I listened to her amazing wisdom and other life lessons that came along with the lessons. To this day I’m still getting a grasp on her wisdom and intelligence. She passed years ago, and I only really had the chance to get to know her on a personal level for a few years.

The richness of the memories her house brings still shocks me. Most holidays I can remember were spent there, and several Sunday dinners. Her house always had an amazing vibe. I felt lucky to be there.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the flower sheds on the heel that crushed it.”

I read about forgiveness at every visit, sitting in a miniature picture frame she displayed on the staircase leading to the second floor. I would often stop while passing it, and just stare at it. I never understood it. It made me angry because I never understood it.

In my 40’s, I was fortunate enough to be able to exit an extremely abusive marriage. We were married for about ten years, and we dated for 5 years prior to getting married. People often reminded me that time heals. For some, it may, but I found out very quickly time was not enough for me. I had to want it. I had to work at it. Forgiveness for me was necessary, it was time to move on.

Abusers know what they are doing because they don’t abuse everyone. Abusers are selective and secretive. Covert narcissistic abusers are always in stealth, which aids in projecting their false image. They are often the life of the party, the community ambassador, and the loved goofball of the family.

Wait a minute, what was that saying my grandmother hung on the wall?

Somehow, somewhere, forgiveness got a bad reputation for meaning it was telling those that hurt us that we are fine with what they chose to do. I have since discovered the true meaning. Forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from the shackles that hold us to the pain we have experienced.

I’ve forgiven my ex-husband for all the pain he caused me, by allowing myself to understand that what he did to me is all he knows how to do. He will never understand love, and that is no longer my problem. I have let go of the lies, manipulation, threats, infidelity, gaslighting, triangulation, and criticism. Survivors are carefully selected for our spirit, love, kindness, and empathy because these are all things abusers are lacking.

Forgiving an abuser is about understanding that their actions were intentional, and they no longer have that power. We are releasing ourselves from the mental, physical, and emotional strain that we were forced to endure. This is not saying that we are OK with what happened because no one in their right mind would welcome these conditions.

The relationship was innocent and playful, the marriage was a mixture of decent and toxicity, and the divorce was extremely messy. I was a puppet on his strings, and it was all a game to him. Once we separated, he turned into a bully, overnight.

At some point in the healing journey, I realized that the events in my life that warranted forgiveness were all traumatic situations. I certainly felt like I was crushed, and I didn’t know it at the time, but something very beautiful happened; the extreme situation forced me to find a strength that I was sure was not possible.

As a youth, I discarded the incredible wisdom the picture frame was trying to share. The pure acceptance, attention, and unconditional love that she offered me have not been forgotten. During my healing process, I would often ask the spirit world to give me strength. Some say that our loved ones speak to us in our dreams, and I have experienced this too many times to deny it. Calling on her for her strength and wisdom is a necessity, and she never fails to come through.

My healing journey took time, intention, and a lot of forgiveness. Now I’m moving through my life uninhibited, not weighed down by the baggage of yesterday. I have gained meaning, purpose, and fulfillment with the things I put my energy into. Compared to the decades of abuse that I’ve endured by various people, forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.