Home Not-So-Sweet Home

Ah! It’s that time of year for us students to be home for the end of year festivities. I know some people who were truly excited for their fun family traditions and various celebrations that occur. I on the other hand couldn’t quite verbalise how I felt about going back home.. well I could but there definitely wasn’t anything positive that would come of it.

What inspired this was me scrolling through twitter as you do and discovering a tweet that completely captured how I felt. The tweet discussed how going home for Christmas is a stressful time and you go back to how you were as a teenager, completely miserable and you go back to that shell of your former self, which at the time was all I was, a near-empty shell of who I’d ever been. In fact I’d never truly known who I was until moving to university as cheesy as it sounds.

Since I’ve been back I’ve had a cold (which is usual for me because I’m prone to having a cold before a break) so I’ve been briefly run down and then just miserable, irrational and extremely short tempered. I’m mad about it because I remember telling myself prior to the return home that I’m not going to revert to this old self, I’m just gonna maintain the positivity I had when I was back in uni but it’s been damn near impossible. The happiest I’ve been was boxing day in which I saw a lot of my family and was just out the house, in fact any day I’ve been here but not in my house has proven to be a really good moment throughout this holiday.

I’d been dreading it but I’ve been having the same old disagreements - that I got to forget about - with my parents as if they’ve still not moved on from them since I’d moved. My mom’s had a cold too so her extremely short temper is even shorter and it’s been truly irritating. She’s had no respect for me or my dad (well she never has really), then my dad has been back to his old antics of saying he’s doing one thing when it’s usually the complete opposite and putting the blame on me when it’s him all over. He also hasn’t changed, he still does no extra chores to help out my mom. She seems to do everything still although she is stubborn and a ‘if you want it done properly do it yourself’ type of person and he’s still running off to play dominoes or just out and about at any chance he gets, which I completely understand what with having to live with my mom and forever walking on eggshells I suppose.

I’d been feeling guilty about feeling this way like I should put in the effort to wanting to be more positive and bring that back into the household and this new found maturity I have since living alone and encountering the different people. But I can’t. Well you can't put something into the atmosphere that never had the chance to be there to begin with.

Since I’ve been back my mom has not once asked about what’s going on at uni about my course. All she cares about is the money I’ve spent or need to be spending or how I need to focus on next year of moving elsewhere and just things that can and will be dealt with eventually but there’s completely no interest which is so unsettling to me. If I’m putting money towards what my kid is doing in a totally different city then I sure as hell will be asking where that money is going in regards to the studies. But she’s never cared for anything I’ve done so I don’t really know why I’m surprised, although I am because our phone conversations while I’m away are actually quite nice but face to face it usually ends in disaster one way or another.

So anyway back to the tweet I couldn’t help but resonate with it, I felt like I finally had an answer for how I’d been feeling because I knew this wasn’t right. Especially how I’d been counting back the days to my return back home (my uni home feels more like home than my home). Actually speaking of that, I’ve tried my hardest to not come across as I’m not grateful for my life in my hometown even though it’s been quite draining on me but if my family ask me about how university is, I honestly tell them it’s been really great it’s been a lovely experience so far. They even ask if I’m thinking about coming home after my degree and honestly I’ve been thinking about it and I really don’t think I will be returning or I'll at least spend some years in the uni city after the degree and find my feet in the world before I consider moving back for good. But I don’t see why I should stay trapped in a city that I’ve lived in all my life no matter how much I love it. But then my mom takes so much offence to it, to which I feel bad because I’m grateful (sort of) for my upbringing despite how mentally draining it has been on me to be completely honest but also why is she jumping to me being ungrateful and ‘acting as if I’m being troubled’ at home when really it wouldn’t kill her to think: well damn I wonder why her time at home wasn’t good and maybe there’s a problem there. But no god forbid her or my dad be to blamed, its definitely just a me problem and i'm being too selfish and cold to want to help towards making my life at home better. I mean I lived at home for 19 years and it didn’t change once as much as I tried and in the end I just tried to be out of the house as much as possible and I couldn’t be more grateful for getting a place at the uni I did because if it was the other one I’d be stuck at home and I don’t even know what state I would be in which worries me to just think about.

Now finally back to the tweet, I was looking through the responses to see how people felt and someone mentioned how weeks before simply with the thought of having to go back home had darkened their mood, they were angry and miserable also. Which is exactly how I was. I’d rant and moan everyday about going home. And I know what you’re thinking why didn’t you just not go back home for Christmas which I totally understand but I don’t think I’m mentally prepared just yet to not be home for Christmas so that wasn’t an option. But it was comforting to have friends from uni tell me that it’s just a short period of time and then we’ll be back at uni and getting on and it will be a while until I see my family again so just get through it! I’m going back before new years because some of my friends are also and we can celebrate! You know, even if those plans don’t happen, I’m I'm more satisfied with not being home. I used to be alone some years when they’d go out with their own respective friends and celebrate new years and I’d want to stay home alone. The nicest new years were when I was at my nans and we’d watch the fireworks on the telly after Jools Holland!

That has been the best part of this visit also. Getting to see my nan and great nan again, they’re so happy to see me and it feels so great to be in their presence after a while at uni. That’s the best and only true family love I’ve had. Instead of the ‘i’ve spent money on everything for you and you don’t respect me’ or something like that, you can’t guilt someone into loving you because you’ve bought them things and have provided a shelter for them. Yes, I’m very thankful and I’m aware how lucky I am but I’m also aware of how poorly I’ve been treated now that I finally know my worth.

So roll on 2020! Can’t imagine any changes but hopefully things become clearer during my time at uni with a clearer head and can work out how to avoid feeling the way I’ve felt recently. Although, I like how I can finally differentiate how I’ve felt at uni to how I feel at home. I’d like to think that’s progress.

Be sure to check out my last post! Feel free to leave tip also! - K.