Holding The Flashlight

Ten things I wish I could tell my father in Heaven, how much I learned from him and, how much he means to me.

The relationship I shared with my father is a little different than most. Most little “daddy’s girls” are prissy, prim, and proper. I was the exact opposite. I wore a ninja turtle t-shirt everywhere and hauled my Hot-wheels and dirt in my dump-truck.

Now don’t get me wrong I wore dresses, but I would end up in a big mud puddle before I had it on an hour. I was a total tomboy. I guess because I tried to make up for the boy that my father always wanted but never got. He tried, oh boy did he try.

I am the youngest of my parents seven children. All of us are girls. Talk about a house full of estrogen and attitude. My father had to be a hell of a man to put up with eight women in the house.

My father was, well still is one hell of a man. He was as honest as the day is long, he always provided for our family, and the hardest working man I believe that ever walked the face of this earth.

Yes, he had his flaws, just like everyone else. He was sort of a Back-Row-Baptist that had done his share of sins worthy of testimonials at the altar and blessing of the pastor.

My father born Thomas Jones on August 04, 1940, in Columbia Kentucky to Hazel and Ira Jones. He married my mother Mary F. (Martin) Jones in 1965 and they proceeded to have 7 children.

7 GIRLS of which I am the youngest. Perfectly good explanation of why my father drank on a daily basis! I have 2 girls and am close to losing my sanity most days.

I lost my father via gunshot on March 29th, 2013. The most gut-wrenchingly horrible day that will forever be seared into my memory forever. There will never be enough words in the English language to describe how much I miss that man nor how much he means to me. I think what’s worse than losing him, is the fact that we didn’t have a chance to say our goodbyes.

I know he is with me daily. It makes me no difference if you believe in spirits or ghosts. That is your opinion and you are entitled to it. However, believe it or not, my father visits me every morning via the same red cardinal, marked with a distinctive injury to its wing.

Even though he isn’t physically able to hear me, I know he is listening. We chat often. Please enjoy a peek into my sorrowed soul, like a fly on the wall of my heart with a list of what I wish I could tell him now.

1. I love you

My father never said the words “I love you” to me verbally until about 4 years before he passed. He would show affection and hug me. He would always return my “I love you dad”, with his little snide-loving remark, “ Well I kindly like you too”.

When I was younger it never really registered with me that he didn’t realize how important it was to a little girl to hear those 3 little words from her father. That was just his way of saying it. In his mind, they were exactly the same thing.

Well now that I am grown and have children of my own, all I have to say is “Dad, I understand. I kindly like you too”

2.Thank You

I will always be forever grateful for both of my wonderful parents, each in their own special ways. Equal but totally separate ways. My mother was loving and caring. My Father was the supporter and provider.

My parents were the old-fashioned type, raised with the belief that the male is the bread-winner. The provider that brought home the bacon. We were in no way rich. We weren’t impoverished or starving, but we were definitely poor.

However, I cannot recall one single solitary time I ever did without something that I actually “needed”.

My father always saw to it that we were provided for and didn’t do without. As an adult with 3 children, I can now appreciate how hard that is and know that it is no easy task. So dad, Thank you for all you did for us. Thank you for all that you have taught me about hard work, the real world, and just life in general.

3.I’m Sorry

Dad, I owe you and mom an apology from the bottom of my heart. I am deeply filled with regret that I did not have you guys present when I married Paul. I cannot imagine what a knife in the back that must have been for you all as parents.

I will forever live with the regret of not having my father walk me down the aisle. In no way will it compare to the hurt I must have caused the two of you. I’m so sorry.

If I could take it all back and do it all over I would. Unfortunately, there is no time machine to be able to get a do-over for that. I wouldn’t take back marrying my husband, I love him, but I would however have involved you and mom. I would involve you all in every aspect of my life. Lesson learned. The hard way, but lesson learned nonetheless.

4. I Miss you

If you have never had the unfortunate experience of losing a parent, there is no feeling that compares. It leaves a void in your heart that no amount of time or therapy can attempt to patch or mend.

Dad, no matter the days that come to pass, I will never have a single one that you aren’t on my mind. There will always be a thought or a memory that will bring you flooding right back.

I know you are the cardinal that comes to visit me every morning, and the one that saved me from wrecking my car a few years back.

Had it not been for you riding shotgun and putting your arm across me to shield me from face-planting into the steering wheel, I probably wouldn’t be here writing this right now. So even today, you are taking care of me and saving my butt as always. Just like when I was young and dumb- well younger and dumber.

There’s not a day that goes by that my heart doesn’t ache and yearn for the day I get to see your crooked smile again, or my stomach doesn’t growl for your famous cornbread dressing. (No one can do it like you did dad. No one)

5.Goodbye-just for now.

There is never enough time in the world for us to spend with the ones we love. There are never enough words to express the love that we hold for our loved ones.

I also know that it couldn’t be easy to tell someone goodbye or that you are okay with them leaving.

We will never be prepared for the loss of anyone who is close to our hearts. In my opinion, however, I do think it is easier for the fortunate ones that get a little bit of notice that they are going to be parting with a piece of their heart.

They at least get a little bit of time to prepare and squeeze in or voice all the important things they would like for their loved ones to know before it is too late. They get to attempt to spend as much quality time with them to display all of the affection and love possible into their tiny window of allotted time.

Those of us who aren’t that fortunate, have to get a phone call that conveys the crushing news their loved one has already passed over that threshold. We are left scraping our jaws off the floor, hearts in our hands with all of that opportunity to express our feelings relinquished. So with that being said, I would like to take this opportunity to say “See you later dad. Until we meet again”.

I refuse to say goodbye because that is forever. There is zero doubt in my mind that our separation is only temporary, I feel deep in my soul we will someday meet again.

I am counting the days, hours, hell even milliseconds until I am blessed with that charming smile (well frown I should say because your smile always looked like a frown) again. I cannot freaking wait.

6. Your Personality is infectious.

There are people you meet in life that are absolutely unforgettable. My father just so happens to have been one of those individuals that will leave a lasting impression on you and will remember even if you only had the privilege of meeting once or twice.

Laughter is the best medicine for any ailment. My father possessed the magical ability to make even Oscar the Grouch laugh hysterically with his goofy jokes or silly songs.

I asked my children when I got the idea to write this tribute, to tell me the first thing that pops in their heads when I mentioned their pop-paw. To no surprise, I got my dad's famous line. “Do you want to kiss me now, or wait a while?” from my eldest daughter.

I think my dad asked this question to every one of his grandchildren that got the pleasure of knowing this awesome dude.

He could take a line from a t.v. show or lyric he had stuck in his head and turn it upside down by adding his own silly twist. Two of those are iconic to my children because they hear me sing them when I feel down, or my dad’s memory is weighing heavy on my mind.

I feel obligated to share them because without hearing them, they simply cannot receive the true glory that they deserve.

The first is a nursery rhyme turned into a Thomas Jones specialty. (Given, my father probably had a few drinks in him the time this song was written. I say song, it is more like a lyric).

— ‘Once upon a time, there lived an old maid name Rinder-Ciller. She lived with her mugly other and her two sad blisters. In a hurry to leave the ball, she slell down the slairs and slopped her dripper.”

Lyric #2 came from the big mac theme song commercial I always assumed.

“Hamburger, cheeseburger, lettuce, and tomato,

Hot dog french-fried barbequed potatoes”

My children also get to be thrilled by the legendary wake-up call on the weekends which was payback from our early childhood and not letting our parents sleep in. I have chosen to pass down this tradition of waking my children up at 6 am on a Saturday morning.

With not a plan in the world, I will unnecessarily go and knock on each one of their doors until I hear a response, and proceed to holler “ Rise and shine we have — — — — this time”. Filling in the blank with one of the children's most hated breakfast foods. Then proceed to make said food for breakfast. Needless to say, my children allow me and my husband to sleep in from now on during the weekends. Thanks for that one dad. !

7.Whats’s round and brown, lays on the ground, and has four wheels?

Everyone has a comedian in their family. Mine was my father. That was his contribution to the world.

The gift of laughter, in which this horrible hateful world needs a lot more of. His favorite joke that stumps everyone and has a twist answer probably ended more conflict in my life than I can remember. It is just so stupid, yet so simple and funny you cannot help but chuckle.

So let me ask you this, what is round and brown, lays on the ground, and has four wheels?”

Have you figured it out yet?

I bet you will feel really silly when you hear it.

The answer-It is a turd. I was just shitting you about them wheels.

I know to everyone else it sounds like this made up goofy nonsense. Maybe it is. If it keeps the memory of a wonderful man alive in my children’s hearts that is the only thing I care about.

-Dad, your joke is still bringing joy and laughter to people you never even knew about. You should be proud. -

8. You’re the best friend I never knew I needed

Growing up if you would have asked me who my best friend was, I would have replied with whatever little girl was in the class that I talked to. She would have been my best friend.

In high school, it would have been my boyfriend. Never did it occur to me that my parents would become the best friends a chick could ever ask for. Because in the end, for most people, your parents are the only people that will never let you down.

When I was younger I got embarrassed so easily by my parents for no reason at all. Just because they were my parents. I knew more than they did, they weren’t cool.

Now that I am a 35-year-old mother of three teenagers that are far more advanced than I was at their age, I am feeling the sting of my children thinking I am un-cool. They also believe that they have the world figured out already and I just tell them things to watch them suffer. Not because I care about them, or their wellbeing.

I just want to be a bitch that doesn’t allow them to do anything or express themselves. (Because I won't let my twelve-year-old daughter dye her hair neon pink)

They are far more knowledgeable than me because I don’t do things using the exact same method as they do. (Algebra, for example, we may not write out the problem using the same method, but damnit we get the same answer)

So yes my parents were my best friends after all. Dad, I cannot tell you all the things that are going through my head right now. Thank you for being an awesome dad to a stubborn, spoiled, bull-headed brat like I was. I don't see how you and mom did it.

9. I forgive you

Losing someone the way I lost my father is never an easy pill to swallow. There are several ways you can deal with it. Personally, I took the wrong route to heal from it and let it get me completely down.

I suffer from severe depression, I won't say because of this incident, but it certainly added to the severity of it. I was angry with my father. I am a fixer. I have to fix everything. I flooded my world with “what if’s” and “maybe if I could have then this wouldn’t have’s”

. I held a grudge for several years before the weight of it got to be too much to bear.

My depression got so bad that it was interfering with my ability to go to work, clean the house, and eventually get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I got down, I’m talking into a pit of just wallowing in my own self-pity.

Once my children saw how it was affecting me, it got to be a problem with not just my adulting abilities, it was affecting my parenting abilities. That’s where this mama bear draws the line. So I got help via a therapist. She suggested that I find a way to let go of all my anger and stop holding a grudge.

Writing down all the things I wanted to say, and all the negative thoughts and feelings I was holding onto on a piece of paper, I tied them to a big stack of helium balloons. I drove myself to the cemetery, plopped my booty next to my daddy’s headstone and had a heart to heart chat with him.

I got to get out anything I felt I needed to tell him or say, whispered a little prayer for the release of all the stress in my life and guilt or grudges I may have been holding. With the closing of the prayer at the end of the AMEN I simultaneously let go of the balloons and pieces of paper.

The papers represented all the stuff I wanted to rid myself of. So all of my issues floated away with the balloons. Never let the sunset on your elderly parents without saying you love them. You never know when you might not get that chance. If I would have known what was coming, I sure would have held that flashlight for my dad a few more times.

So dad I know I already told you this in the chat I spoke of a minute ago, but I understand. I know why you did what you did. I had to learn to swallow my pride. I get my pridefulness from you, so I get it honest. I forgive you and I love you.

10.You will always be my superhero.

You may not have been Clark Kent or Superman but you are my superhero nonetheless. You were and will forever be the strongest man I have or will ever know.

You may not wear a cape or have supernatural powers but you will always be amazing to me. I still can’t bait my own hook or remove the damn fish once I catch it. Sure could use your help with that.

I know everyone says their dad is the greatest and has their reasons and special memories. So if you are fortunate enough to still get to enjoy the presence of your parents, embrace it.

Be slow to anger, and quick to forgive. Embrace your parent's love and bask in the lessons that they teach you. One of the most memorable moments that play on repeat in my mind is the days I spent helping my father to repair a vehicle.

It was always my job to hold the flashlight. I wasn’t very good at it. (Or so I was told, several times) I learned more just listening to my dad's tales about his life memories because they eventually turned into life lessons I have caught myself teaching to my own children.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the whole point. It never occurred to me that he wasn’t trying to just teach me how to repair an engine or transmission. He was trying to get me to see the bigger picture. I learned a lot about morals and life lessons but I still can’t hold the damn flashlight still.