Heart opening

Yesterday was a day of self loathing. Self judgment and harsh general thoughts of self. Cycling thoughts, tears , and a heavy heart in life . Thinking of how time has been wasted and also how much of a foundation crumbled. Thinking and analyzing my parenting . Thinking what parts can I make better. Thinking of all the yelling crying and anger . How I stayed with my sons father too long . The affects that tolled on him and I calling myself a loser. How could I do that and how could I of cared. I think over and over perpetually digging inside my brain while it was screaming. It was rightfully so to scream . The brain inside of my head with all the negative thoughts swirling around . Over and over with no stopping . How long does it take in life to heal . How long will these thoughts continue ?

I mildly loathed when I realized a woman told me she cried for five years. The heart mildly scarred and in pain . So much pain and all I keep thinking. The time … seven years of my life wasted . Ten years of my existence pouring into someone who was not good for me . Ten years consoling a person who did very well care. More of a entanglement of someone I greatly cared for very genuine for and to look at the other side. And realize it wasn’t real . It was merely a figment of my imagination. The mornings waking up together . Our home our life and our pets. Having a beautiful kind and amazing child. Building ten years of foundation . And it is all torn down . It starts to scream again . Loudly then it dims to a merely quiet whisper . Then it starts to scream again so loud I put my ear phones in and cry some more.

Realistically you can’t know before it happens . Or can you ? You can’t prevent tears before they happen. You can’t force others to care and you can’t stop tears that will come. Ten years I cried some more . Even though the years weren’t happy . The mere realization of life and the conduct of your own self and healing . The happiest years of my life I did yoga . Distance , a continued gap in life and between people you care about . Shredding your faith in existence and also mildly doing nothing at the same time. Luckily I’ve learned to not let other people affect me . I’ve learned to not let life bother me as bad. But at the moment when my old chapter ended . I cried . Is it normal to be sad for happy times. Or is it merely crying at the perspective that a period of time is over. Simply existing and a new beginning would be ok. Back and forth up and down and spiral . A small spiral to the up and downs of life while also finally feeling in my heart. Screaming I was screaming in my mind again .

While certainly a deafening part of my existence. It really had a lot of emotion behind it . So much feeling and so much emotions . All internally held onto and finally opening my eyes to see life. My energy finally high again . My heart finally recharged and all took was crying and crying . Lots of heartfelt moments . Lots of screaming and wanting to tear things down . Emotionally thinking how will tomorrow be ok . Then it ended up ok .