Handle Parental Preference

My child only prefers me/my spouse. They scream when the non-preferred parent comes close. They tell us to go away. Feelings are being hurt. What can we do?

Offer lots of empathy for the non-preferred parent. Rejection is difficult and hurtful. Also, it's important they come to understand that their child doesn't dislike them, nor does it mean they are a bad parent. Part of the phenomenon of parental preference is developmental, the younger a child is the more reliant they may be on their primary caregiver for care and comfort. And for toddlers and preschoolers, they are developing a sense of autonomy and understanding of the relationships between them and others.

It is also an opportunity to strengthen connection. This will not always be a fast fix, accepting that it will take time to build connection and trust is necessary. The non-preferred parent will need to hold space and offer empathy for their child's feelings, while working at not taking the preference personally.

Often we see this come up when one parent is away more than the other. It's not always the parent who is home that wins with the preference. Sometimes, the one who is home gets rejected. Try to look at what your partner is doing. Sometimes they are showing more empathy, or being more fun. Taking on those actions and traits can help.

Building connection. The non-preferred parent should build connection again, starting with empathy and emotional coaching for the child's feelings. Often once feelings are validated, the child will feel safer relaxing into the parent relationship. This empathy should come from both parents, of course. Depending on age, the preferred parent may need to take the lead in comforting until the child is ready. Babies and toddlers need more co-regulation with physical soothing than preschoolers. It’s okay to allow an upset baby to return to their preferred parent to be soothed, and the parent building connection uses calmer or happier times of day to connect.

Building connection through care and play works wonders. If the child doesn't want you to be near, then doing bigger activities, like playing ball or running around together (everyone in the family) can foster a feeling of togetherness. Power play, where the child gets a sense of being stronger, is fun and releases tension. Care tasks create a sense of caring, such as dishing up food, bathing.

For babies, especially if one parent is breastfeeding, there can often be a feeling of uninvolvement for the non-feeding parent and lack of ability to comfort. Taking over tasks such as bathing, diaper change, playtime, and doing skin to skin when the infant is calm and fed can help foster those feelings of connection.

These tasks will vary depending on what will upset the child. Empathy for upset is always good, but it's not helpful to push the child into being upset. There's a fine balance you will have to find during this period. It's okay for the preferred parent to help with feelings and comfort if the child is young or very upset and work towards connection with both parents.

Once the child is feeling safe, the preferred parent can back away, create alone time for the child and parent to connect. If you are feeling burnt out as the preferred parent, you can redirect requests to the non preferred parent.

If you are coming into a relationship as a step-parent, it can be difficult to build the connection. Children often feel connecting to the step-parent is disloyal. Building trust through empathy and connection and accepting that it takes time.

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