Nine Arguments Against Gentle Parenting

Rebuttal:

What does working mean? Most people are looking for a tactic that controls their child, makes them comply instantly, and expresses less (or no) negative emotions.

Not going to happen, even if you punish them. Kids have their own priorities, and emotions will always be something they need to express.

If you are concerned that gentle parenting isn’t working, you probably need to adjust your expectations of what working looks like.

In gentle parenting, we concern ourselves with long-term outcomes rather than short-term compliance. We want to foster a relationship with our children that lasts for years. One early teacher I had said if you do the early work of creating a relationship, you don’t need to do as much later. Meaning if you create a safe and empathetic relationship when your kids are little, when they are school age, teenager, and adults, they will trust you and take your views into consideration before they act.

2. Punishment works

Rebuttal:

Punishment works in the short term, but long term it does not. Punishment creates disconnection and doesn’t meet needs. Kids will get their needs met by increasing demands, increasing counter-will, and when they are older finding others who will meet them and not always in a healthy way.

Empathy and collaborative solutions work too. They take longer and require more energy, but when you use these skills regularly several things occur. When we consistently use empathy, our kids learn to trust we will listen, trust that we are on their side when they are used to this dynamic they will fight less. With practice we get better at using a skill. I love when conflict comes up and I can use nonviolent communication. I struggle with NVC because it’s different from any other way of communicating, so any chance to practice helps it become easier.

3. Kids need firm boundaries

Rebuttal:

Kids need connection, not boundaries. I argue against firm boundaries with children, because they don’t meet needs. If we don’t meet our kids' needs, they will increase their behaviour until we meet their necessities. Or find another way to meet them that may not be healthy.

Meet needs with empathy and behaviour will often disappear. I firmly believe this to be true for adults, but meeting adult needs is much more complicated. There are layers and years of baggage that are more difficult to address.

I receive a lot of pushback when I bring up letting go of control and not having firm boundaries. People have visions of kids running wild, being allowed to do whatever they want, hurting others, hurting themselves, using foul language.

This has not been my experience. For one, I don’t allow my children to do whatever they want; we work together to keep everyone healthy. By allowing my kids to work with me, I create a connection where they trust me and I trust them. We allow them to experience their feelings fully, and they learn to act in a way that aligns with what makes them feel best without my pressure.

4. They don’t comply unless I yell/threaten

Rebuttal:

I have struggled with my kids not complying until I yell. Shouting signals to me there’s a power struggle happening, not collaboration. And our need for control is overriding our connection.

Take a step back, calm yourself down. Connect: eye contact, say their name, ask what is happening, listen to their emotion and needs, respond with empathy. If anyone is upset, wait until the emotion is passed, then seek a solution.

5. I can’t control myself. I just explode.

Rebuttal

You didn’t learn to soothe yourself, but you can. You can practice meditation, you can recognize your triggers and learn to manage them. It takes practice and energy. Staying calm is a skill and a practice. Take the time to practice daily and you will be calm, eventually.

6. I need to find out why my child is acting this way

Rebuttal:

It doesn’t matter why your child is acting the way they are. What they need is empathy and connection.

Not that you shouldn’t investigate medical reasons for behaviour, the child’s underlying need, and their feelings. Sometimes, it is a food allergy, a physical problem. You can also seek professionals for help with behaviour related to sensory needs, neurodivergence, disabilities, and other exceptionalities. Those are all good options when needs are extraordinary.

But while you are doing those, connection and empathy will always help your relationship and create trust, so any interventions will be trusted too.

7. Your idea doesn’t work. Here’s a list of why.

Rebuttal:

Get creative. My suggestions are a starting point. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t use it. Meeting everyone’s needs requires us to use our creative muscle. I trust that you can meet everyone’s concerns and needs. It may not be the first time you attempt to solve the issue. Finding a suitable solution can take many trials and errors, but it's worth it. I swear!!

8. They are still doing the behaviour even though I did the things!!

Rebuttal:

Yeah, that happens. If your child is under 7, it’s often because of their brain development. Impulse control, emotional regulation among other things As stated previously, these skills are still very unsteady before 5-7 years, but even older kids struggle with impulse control. (And I say this every time, but even adults can be at the mercy of their impulses!!).

If you are new to non punishment, kids may test the change. As I said previously, it takes time to build connections, to build the trust that you listen to and meet their needs.

8. I was raised with punishment and I turned out fine!

Rebuttal:

Best practices change as we gain knowledge and understanding of development, our minds. We are always learning more about ourselves and strengthening best practices. It’s okay that your parents did the best they knew, and that was punishment, but that you take in new information and change.

Even if you, like many of us, don’t feel you turned out fine, gentle parenting can be very healing. You can change the energy by focusing on connection.

9. My family/friends/strangers on the street are telling me I need to punish.

Rebuttal:

They aren’t the parent of your child. You are.

Parenting in public is tough. All that input from other people can confuse you. And here I am making more noise to convince you my way is the right way.

Sit down and connect with your inner self and ask yourself what feels right, what feels best. If you really listen, what does your inner voice tell you?