Grieving people need support and not marching orders

This article is not for everyone but it is indeed for those who become overzealous in an attempt to be helpful. Grief 101. Never tell a grieving person what they need. We are all individuals and handle situations differently. Just because a method worked for you does not indicate that it will benefit everyone. Always suggest an idea and allow the other person the right to say yes, no, or maybe. Someone else’s grieving process is not supposed to be your pet project. It’s not about you. While you may have first hand experience with the death of a beloved pet, best friend, spouse, child, or parent or other loved one you can never know exactly what another human being actually needs.

You will not know if their grieving process is filled with regrets or bad memories that you do not share. After my husband died our oldest son took a trip out of town but I said I did not need to do the same. I only needed time to myself at home whenever the pain of the loss hit me. Well-meaning people say my spouse is not lost because he is in heaven. The relationship we shared here on earth is over and that is still a loss to me. Too many individuals try to lead guide and direct the grieving when they should simply be there without offering unsolicited advice.

You cannot make someone just get over a death in the time frame that worked for you. Whatever is getting you through your process is to be commended but no one has the right to try to force their experience on another person so back off. Pushing, pulling, and bullying will only cause the grieving individual to resent you and reject anything you say. If you were not already in the life of the bereaved and or the deceased the survivors might not desire you to insinuate yourself into the current circumstances.

This happens often in religious circles and grieving families sometimes are bombarded with pamphlets, books, scriptures, and literature by well meaning people who care. If the bereaved individual is in the same religion as you are and have been a part of it for quite a while then they are probably well versed in the doctrine and don’t need you to suggest scriptures or other reading material. If someone is Atheist they will not appreciate religious cards. Nor will they appreciate you saying you are praying for them.

Always keep in mind who you are dealing with. Don't just do anything in order to appear that you have done something. Be mindful of the individuals involved and make sensible decisions. After my husband died a young relative of his reached out to me. He said we no longer agreed on religious issues but he wanted to express his love and concern. This meant a lot to me because he did not put down what I believe and neither did he try to push his views on me. I had a neighbor whom I don't know that well to hug me and say she was sorry this happened to me.

A good rule of thumb regarding those who grieving is to consider the old adage: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Would you really want 4 or 5 different people telling you about various counselor's support groups and online programs? If you were dealing with fresh pain from the death of a loved one how would you feel if people seemed to want to make you their project and fix you? Look before you leap, think before you speak, and dial it down a notch.

Don't purchase a dog, cat, bird, or other pet unless you have spoken to the bereaved to find out what they want. It's only human to reach out to people based on our own experiences but we must remember that no two people are alike. Always ask rather than dictate and remember to never tell a grieving person that they need a service you are offering.