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Grieving a Living Parent: Week 2

The waves get smaller, and the distance feels longer.

By Inaya JaynePublished 2 years ago β€’ 3 min read
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Image by πŸ’™β™‘πŸŒΌβ™‘πŸ’™ Julita πŸ’™β™‘πŸŒΌβ™‘πŸ’™ from Pixabay

This week was easier. I didn't need as much time for self-care to cope with the feelings of loss and grief. There were a few moments where I found myself really wishing I could call my dad and tell him what I had accomplished, and some deep sadness at not being able to. Even those didn't last very long, and I still managed to celebrate my little victories.

I started the first year of my Criminal Justice degree this week, and when I got my first grade - better than 100% thanks to some extra credit work - I made myself a flavored coffee to celebrate and to reward myself for the good work I had done. It was still a little bittersweet. I felt a little lost at first, not telling the person I wanted most to share that victory with about it. Friends offered kindness and support, reminding me why I made the choice to move on without my parents. They were completely right and their kindness made keeping my resolve a lot easier.

I feel, in a lot of ways, like that little girl I used to be. Like I am still standing in the driveway with my arms outstretched waiting for someone to respond. But I didn't get my needs met then, and my parents have no intentions of meeting them now. If they really did mean to act like parents and to support me and their grandchild through the onslaught that we are facing right now, they would not have acted the way that they did.

What I've learned about this kind of grief is that it doesn't follow the same pattern as the grief from a death in the family. It has fewer waves of intense emotion, though they feel bigger sometimes; and it takes a lot of effort to look inward and know that you deserve better than what they felt like giving you. You have to start the process of healing immediately to keep yourself from returning to the abuse. There's no waiting or catching your breath. You have to start right away.

The first thing you need to do this week is convince yourself that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect. Once you build that foundation you can continue setting boundaries for those who remain in your life that determine how people are allowed to treat you. Setting those lines is going to give you some resistance. There will be people who do not want to follow your new rules. They will see themselves as exceptions - and you will need to decide if they are or are not. This is where you will start pruning your circle for weeds.

After you have solved the question of who will and will not respect your new boundaries, you will find yourself in the position to decide which of the Will Nots are worth the fight of keeping around. Most of the time, it turns out to be a No. This is going to intensify some of the grieving you are doing, but trust me here. From immediate personal experience it is so worth it. After this stage, it is easier to share your needs with those still in your circle and you are going to need that.

Week two has been all about setting myself up to keep succeeding. During week One, I gave myself room to be in pain, to be angry, to just care for the wound itself. With Week 2, I am reinforcing the new Rules of Engagement for everyone, and I am making sure my support network is solid. No more hangers-on, no more users, no more letting people use pieces of me that they do not give anything back to. I am healing and I need to be surrounded by those who will encourage and support that.

Keep going, friends! We are getting through this together.

parentsgrief
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About the Creator

Inaya Jayne

Mom to a Hard Kid, Daughter to a Hard Mom.

Telling my story so I might be able to help you in the future.

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