Gone But Not Forgotten

Chapter 9

The hospital has become Doug’s safe haven and our home became mine. I never drove anywhere anymore hell I never left the house. Somehow it just became the norm, Doug did all the shopping. The change just kind of snuck up on us. I don’t think either of us really paid attention to it. We were both so caught up in trying to cope that we forgot how to live. It started with the little things, someone always had to be home. With Edna gone that fell to me. I couldn’t even bear to walk down the drive to the mailbox-what if the phone rang and no one answered? What if it was Tim? I had figured out how long it took to get from room to room so that I never missed a phone call. It just simply got to the point that one day I just never left the house again. At first I don’t think Doug even noticed, when he finally figured it out he would try and coax me out.

Not even on the front porch – I wouldn’t be able to get to the phone in time if it rang. He tried so hard to get me to come and at least swing with him on the back deck…I couldn’t. For some reason when I would try to appease him and attempt it I broke out in a cold sweat and got extremely sick to my stomach. I would lose all the strength in my legs and try as I might I just couldn’t step out past the glass sliding doors that in my mind protected me from all the terrible things that lurked outside. Whomever took my son lived out there. I was safer in here and perfectly happy to stay safe and sound in my haven. I never missed going outside. No one could ever hurt me if I never left my house.

Doug tried to make things as easy as possible for me. He put a mail slot in our front door so I could look through the mail prior to him getting home. At least I was able to contribute a little bit in that sense. If Doug had to work late which he did often he called me every hour to make sure that I was alright. He even got me a cell phone in case I wanted to go outside. It also worked if there was a snow-storm or some other catastrophe that Mother Nature threw our way. At this point we were pretty much immune to disappointment and pain. Our life was pretty mundane. No excitement, staying in my house was a very satisfying life for me. The only thing I missed that would complete my life was if my son walked through my door. Someday I knew that would happen. It had been 4 years now since Timmy was taken.

He would be twelve or thirteen years old now. It is hard for me to wrap my head around that thought. I wonder how much he looks like his father now? Does he play sports? What type of movies does he like? Let’s see…hmmm, thirteen ish, no, I don’t think he’d like girls yet. If he looked anything like his dad they’d be flocking around soon enough.

Maybe I’d make a few phone calls and have one of those sketch artists take a baby picture and make me a portrait of what my son looks like now. Maybe the next time Officer Jess comes to visit I’ll ask him if the police sketch artist could do that for me. We could place the picture above the fireplace. It would feel as if Tim is home. My son is still alive in this house and to gaze at his portrait would warm up even the coldest days. Yes, that is what I’ll do. He’ll come home someday and know that even though he hasn’t been here he was never forgotten. It will make the waiting a little more bearable. Out of sight but never out of mind and always close to my heart.

A few days later my plans came to fruition. Officer Jess took one of the last pictures I had of Timmy to give to his buddy who happened to be the police sketch artist and asked him to do this for me. It took a few weeks but was well worth the wait. When he brought me the picture I was so nervous. He quietly slipped the package into my hands and left. I guess he knew that this unveiling was something I needed to do on my own and alone.

As I unwrapped the plain brown paper what emerged made me drop to my knees. My beautiful baby was no longer a baby. I already knew this in my heart but to see it staring you in the face was a sharp bite of reality. It was bitter sweet, the face staring back at me was no longer round and chubby. He still had his dimples and his blonde wavy curls and I knew him right away but he was a young boy now almost a teenager. Reality hit hard, I gazed at his pictures for what seemed like hours. I dawned on me how much of Timmy’s life I had missed. Sadness and joy enveloped me at the same time. For the first time I actually wondered if my boy would recognize me? Had he forgotten us? He was so young when he was taken from me. I never forgot, I could tell you where every scrape and bruise came from. I can tell you his first words or how he looked when he woke up in the morning. My life pretty much stopped when my son was stolen from me but his life went on. He experienced everything without me. He made memories of his own.

He had a whole new life that I wasn’t a part of. He called someone else mom and dad. I never imagined that a simple sketch could bring so many painful memories to the surface. Such an innocent face stared back at me, so full of life. Where was my son? Please bring home my son. Silent tears slid down my face. This is how Doug found me when he came home from the hospital. I was still on my knees holding Tim’s picture and crying. We decided that maybe it was not such a good idea to hang the portrait yet. Doug carefully wrapped it back up and put it in Tim’s closet. Maybe someday he thought but not today. That night he held Faye, they clung to each other. In the morning he put a single red rose on the pillow next to her brushed a sweet kiss across her forehead and slipped away to work. His wife was vulnerable last night, she let him in they shared her thoughts. They somehow found each other through the pain it was beautiful. There was still desire there always had been.

Chapter 10

Faye awoke bright and early the next day and she was very busy writing things down when I finally awoke. “What Cha doing, I asked?” Faye gave me that knowing look and proceeded to tell me exactly how it was going to be…” First of all, we need to move our bedroom downstairs. I don’t want to go up and down the stairs at all if I can help it and not unless I absolutely have to.” I agreed with her, we we’re going to take every precaution there was to keep her safe. “Secondly, the Grocer will have to come here twice per week now. I will have a list of fresh fruits and vegetables I want and will eat on a daily basis. I need to eat fresh fruits and vegetables at least three times per day…I also don’t want them sprayed with any type of chemicals.” “Oh, and honey…I need lots of catalogs so I can list and circle everything I need you to pick up.” She then smiled (something that I hadn’t seen in so long it touched my heart.), she said…” Doug, this time I know in my heart of hearts that everything is going to be just fine.” On that note I happily kissed my wife and skipped out the door to accomplish all the tasks my wife had lovingly set before me. While in the car I thought to myself, for once I am glad that my wife never left the house because there I could keep her safe. There were no outside influences that could harm her in the safe haven of our home. This baby was our last chance, I knew it and Faye refused to have any negative thoughts. I knew I’d worry enough for the both of us. If we ever hoped for any normalcy in our life at all, everything rested on some very tiny unborn child that Faye was carrying. Such a large burden for such a small being. I made a promise to myself that no matter what, Faye and our child were going to be alright, my god they had to be. So much tragedy has befallen us and deep down I knew that this was it, this was our very last chance.

I quickly and efficiently completed every task on my honey-do list. I found a doctor that agreed to come to the house. I filled her in on all the complications we had experienced. At first she questioned why Faye would not go to the hospital. After much explaining she finally understood. When she met Faye it all became crystal clear as well. Just as a back-up I also found a mid-wife that agreed to be a part of this birth as well. She lived close and this way I knew if Dr. Collins was in surgery or unavailable Annabelle would be there in a hot minute. I even suggested that Annabelle move into the house but both Faye and Annabelle declined this idea. Annabelle lives very close so my begging and pleading fell on deaf ears. Every day when I came home I found Faye happily circling items that she wanted in her catalogs and there I went again…But I didn’t mind. Off to all the stores to purchase her heart’s desire. Pretty soon our home was filled with baby stuff. It all stayed downstairs because the nursery was upstairs. My weekends were filled with painting and putting baby furniture together. I transformed an empty room into a beautiful little piece of heaven for our baby. Faye was pregnant throughout the holidays. This year we had a wonderful Christmas…Just the two us and her growing belly.

Christmas morning our baby kicked for the first time. The day went beautifully no sadness and if Timmy was on her mind for once he wasn’t mentioned. This was a change because the normal Christmas for us always started out joyous and ended in Faye getting that sorrowful look in her eyes when only Timmy’s gifts were left…she would lock herself in her room and cry for hours until she fell into a fitful sleep. I would finally get her to unlock the door at which time I would always sit by the bed and stroke her hair and wipe her tears away. In her sleep she would call out to Timmy. I never looked forward to Christmas and Timmy’s birthdays was worse. Can you imagine for one minute what it is like having a birthday party for a dead boy? Cake and ice cream, no friends because he has none. Opening his presents because he is not there to do it. And watching Faye’s happiness turn to sadness. That was our life until this Christmas. This Christmas we had a lovely dinner and laughed and sang carols. Later in the evening as I held Faye we discussed baby names. I finally felt some peace wash over me…And another foreign feeling, I felt hope and it felt good. Dr. Collins came often now, she assured me that everything was as it should be. No complications this time just a normal high risk pregnancy. No Pre-Eclampsia, Faye had not even experienced any morning sickness (at least none that she told me about.) The baby was kicking a lot now, and Dr. Collins said we would be having a heathy baby in a few short months. I was keeping my fingers crossed and I was holding my breath. Not Faye, I hadn’t seen her this happy since she was pregnant with Timmy. She didn’t have a care in the world. It was almost as if she was floating on cloud nine. She was so peaceful and relaxed. For a little while things seemed almost normal. Because Faye was at home we never had an ultrasound so this baby would be a surprise. As the end of the pregnancy drew near I was a little sad.

New worries set in now. Hopes and dreams for our future were something I had all but given up on. Here I was hoping again. I even did something that I didn’t do very often, I went to the cemetery and talked to mom. “Life has a way of getting in the way, I should come visit more often” …this is how I began my conversation with Edna, my mother, my best friend. “I’m sorry I haven’t been by; I really have no excuse.” I told her about my work, I told her that her garden was beautiful and then I shared our news. “I meant to tell you sooner but we wanted to be sure.” After my conversation with mom I returned to my wife. Timmy’s birthday was coming up fast and this was always a hard time for Faye. This time though we were in for a surprise.

Chapter 11

Faye went into labor the night before Timmy’s birthday and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Timmy’s birthday. We named her Cassie. Cassie was healthy and strong. Her skin was rosy her cheeks were chubby and I’ve never seen a baby smile so much in all my life. This little ray of sunshine saved my life and brought that spark back into Faye’s eyes. Cassie was such a good baby, she slept through the night quickly and hit every milestone with flying colors. If I could say there was ever a perfect baby it was Cassie. She was a female version of Timmy, blonde curly hair and deep blue eyes and the dimples…My baby was gorgeous she looked just like her momma. Faye was an excellent mother always fussing over Cassie. She used cloth diapers, made her own baby food. Faye was filling the role of a lifetime.

This was what she was meant to do and she relished every moment of it. Cassie grew fast and it was wonderful. Faye wanted to do everything for our baby girl but Cassie was very inquisitive and independent and wanted to do it all herself. She learned very quickly. Her zeal for life was infectious and her laughter was contagious. I found myself counting the minutes during the work day until I could rush home and be with my perfect little family. Laughter filled our hearts and our house became a home once again and this little girl was the cause. When Faye was pregnant and I questioned whether or not such a little being could shoulder such a responsibility on her shoulders God saw fit to provide me with just that warrior. I owed Cassie my life and I know Faye felt the same. We were whole again, we were one and nothing and no one was ever going to destroy this…My little happily ever after.

Faye always told Cassie stories about Timmy and Oma Edna. She would talk about them for hours. Cassie listened intently as if she knew in her small toddler head that although these people really meant nothing to her they were extremely important to her mother. As soon as she started walking and talking Cassie could tell you all about Timmy. His favorite foods, colors…what he liked to do. So, although she never met him she knew he was her older brother and she knew like her parents she loved him. Even when her mother told her that someday she would meet her big brother, it was all very confusing for such a little mind to grasp. But, Cassie listened intently because it meant that she had her mother’s undivided attention and she loved it. Maybe Cassie would meet him someday and then again maybe not.

She loved him either way because he was her brother. She still wasn’t quite sure where he was and why he wasn’t here? If he was loved so much he should be here. You see, because Faye never left the house

she had a phobia for Cassie to leave also. The bond between mother and daughter was extraordinary. They did everything together. They baked and cooked and read stories. We had a room of nothing but games Cassie’s favorite game was Operation...go figure, her father was a doctor. Sometimes though Cassie would stand at the window on her tippy-toes and look longingly outside, it was at those times I knew that she wouldn’t stay house-bound for long. How would Faye cope? Time would tell…

Late at night when I could pry Cassie away from Faye and put our sleeping child to bed I would try and talk to Faye. I explained to her that it was unhealthy to keep such an inquisitive child cooped up in the house all day. She needed to explore, skin her knees and be a normal kid…I didn’t want her to fear the unknown and right now that’s what the outside was it was the unknown. I told Faye that Cassie had to someday live in that world and we weren’t doing her any favors by keeping her in a protected bubble. I tried to make Faye understand that someday Cassie would have to go to school. I knew my wife was very capable of home schooling Cassie but I wanted her to interact and develop relationships with other kids. This is something she could not do in our house. As I was explaining this to Faye I happened to look up and I saw the panicked look in her eyes.

This happened every time I brought these subjects up. She was so afraid to let Cassie out of her sight and her phobia of going outside had gotten worse since Cassie had come into our lives. I guess telling Faye that by preventing Cassie from going outside would cause her to resent her mother wasn’t the smartest thing to say. I just worried, I wanted Cassie to be a normal girl with friends and school and every day functions. This is the only subject we ever argued about. I knew eventually this is one argument I would win. But for today I put it aside and let Faye’s bubble stay intact for just a little while longer. I knew that deep down Faye agreed that I was right. She wanted our child to be a normal little girl and not miss out on anything…Everything would work out; I knew this now Faye needed to believe it. Cassie was not yet school aged and when Faye saw how much fun Cassie and I have outside she would eventually do it on her own…Faye is the strongest woman I have ever known, she just needed to believe in herself. She’d get there I had no doubt about it. In time I prayed everything would work out. Maybe, just maybe we could be a normal family. I could only hope.

Faye watched wistfully out the window…Cassie and Doug look so happy out there, not a care in the world. I looked around the room and it seemed to grow smaller. Doug took Cassie outside for a little while each day. She loved it, it is one of the first things she wants to do when Doug got home from work. Am I hurting my daughter? Am I depriving her? This just seems to be the one thing I cannot share with her…Outside. It scares me, I always think to myself, “What if Cassie got hurt? Would I be able to breach the threshold and do what needs to be done?” In that instance I think I’d put my fears aside and do what had to be done…I would…wouldn’t I? As I watched them play I so wanted to join them but I couldn’t. Right then though it hit me like a ton of bricks. If I showed fear, then eventually Cassie would also have the same fear. I had to re-learn to go outside. If I didn’t I would eventually lose my daughter because she would outgrow me. It actually dawned on me how much of her life I would miss. Sadly, now as I looked around my home. It seemed more like a prison now but one of my own making. I created the prison and I’m the only one that could break free of it. I shuddered when I thought of the daunting task ahead. My self-made jail would eventually cause me to lose my family. Cassie would resent me, not now but eventually. Or worse she’d be ashamed of me. I couldn’t allow that. I loved my Cassie and I wanted her to love me.

Then and there I decided that I would over-come my fear and go outside. This would be my delicious secret until I was ready to share it. This will probably be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…But it was time. Doug and Cassie will be so proud of me. They will be so happy, we all will. I have to work extremely hard on this…step one to the rest of my life. I decided the very next day is when I would begin.

Every day when she put her darling daughter down for her noon-time nap Faye began her reprogramming. It was an arduous journey of joining the living again. It was a lot harder than she thought it would be. At first she thought she could just open the door and walk out. She tried and a wave of nausea hit her and she went to her knees.

New plan of attack. She just sat close to the door, there had been an imaginary wall that she did not know until now existed. Faye hadn’t realized how bad the phobia was until she tried to open the door and her hands shook uncontrollably, sweat dripped down her brow and she just couldn’t do it…Where did this come from. Ok, Faye thought don’t get frustrated…I can do this and I will.

First she was only able to stand about four feet from the door. This went on for a few months. When she was able to do this like it was second nature to her she ventured a little closer. In her mind the fear was real; sleep was difficult and fitful. Doug noticed but just thought she had a lot on her mind…the anniversary of Timmy’s first day of school was drawing ever closer. He didn’t say anything because if that wasn’t what was bothering her then he didn’t want to remind her of it.

Faye started to make progress, she was able to now take a chair and sit in front of the door or window, she still panicked at first but eventually she would sit quietly and read a magazine or listen to soft music (anything to keep her mind off all the awful things she conjured were outside.) Now as soon as Doug and Cassie left to go to the park Faye made a game of opening all the windows, hearing the wind blow and the bird singing…smelling the tea roses Timmy and Edna planted right outside the window. These sounds and smells brought back a flood of memories. All these little things seemed to help. She was even able to move away from the protective wall…baby steps, you have to learn to crawl before you can walk right? Now when her mind conjured up all the terrible creatures that lived outside she would simply close her eyes and picture grandmother and grandson planting all the roses and when the smell of them wafted in her fears subsided. She had replaced her fears with happy memories. Her first goal had been met. She was exhausted now by the time bedtime came around most nights, sleep was no longer an issue. As soon as she lay her head on her pillow she was asleep.

She took a deep breath one day and touched the door knob; no shaking, that was an amazing feeling. She dared to open the door just a crack. When the familiar feeling of fear and pain returned she quickly sat in her chair and closed her eyes rocking back and forth until her breathing returned to normal. With her eyes closed she concentrated on the sweet sounds, she could hear the honey bees and kids playing way in the background.

When next she opened her eyes she was fine again. So the first phase was complete she could actually open the door…a little more every couple of weeks. It was a slow process and what was normal for most people was a struggle for her. It was hard for her to believe that she had once been one of them…you know a normal person. There was finally light at the end of the tunnel! She finally figured out that there was nothing right outside her door that would or could hurt either her or Cassie. It became easier and easier and after a while she looked forward to hearing the sounds and smelling the familiar scents. It was quite something to realize how sterile her environment had been for so many years. She was beginning her life again. She decided that her next step would be to sit in the doorway of the open door. Since it had taken her months to be able to not have a panic attack while sitting with the door open, she got frustrated when she thought about how long it would take to master this much bolder feat.

Within 4 months Faye found she could swing her body in-and-out of the doorway. What a glorious feeling! Faye had a goal, Cassie’s birthday was three months away and Faye thought it would be wonderful to be able to walk outside and serve their guests. She never dreamed that it would take her this long, almost a full year to breach the confines of her home. There was a whole world awaiting her out there and she wanted to experience it all.

Every day when Doug came home, he would kiss his wife and tell her about his day. Then he would take his impatient daughter by the hand and walk down the hill to the neighborhood park. Cassie was such a clown and so very friendly and outgoing that she has made a lot of friends. They had play dates that Doug set up and Doug took her to. I smiled when I thought to myself that soon it will be me doing these things with my daughter or Doug and I can do it together like a real little family.

Cassie had so many friends now, she wanted all of them at her upcoming birthday party. She and I spent one afternoon doing nothing but making all the invitations for the party, you should have seen us there was glitter and paper and glue everywhere. When Doug got home after we showed him all the invitations we had made he took Cassie shopping to pick up the decorations for her party, and getting the ingredients not only for a cake but we were going to make homemade ice cream too! Cassie was like a busy bee, everything had to be perfect. Who knew so much went into planning a six-year old’s birthday.

She wanted a piñata and all kinds of balloons, a bobbing-for-apples barrel and she was very particular about the prizes. This for the girls and that for the boys. She wanted a volleyball net and a tetherball pole. Sack races…She wanted a treasure hunt. This kind of scared me though, you see there were woods behind our house. I made Doug promise me never to take Cassie in the woods. Something about the woods gave me a horrible feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t put my finger on it…Just stay away from the woods.

Something was up with Faye, was she excited about our little girl’s birthday? Although I knew she wouldn’t come outside she was quite content and happy planning it with her daughter. There would never be surprise parties in our house this I promised myself a long time ago. There was a new confidence in her that I hadn’t seen in years, it was like looking back in time and seeing the young vivacious gorgeous girl I fell in love with. It was absolutely great. I decided not to question her about it just yet. I was sure that soon we would be facing another bout of major depression. I worried because Faye eats, sleeps and breathes Cassie and when she starts school Faye will be lost. Since she never ventures outside she will be even more alone and separated from our daughter. So I will relish Faye’s new found independence and deal with the depression when it comes.

Everyday I’m a little braver…now I can actually swing in the porch swing on my deck facing the backyard. Cassie’s birthday is a week away I think tonight when Cassie and Doug leave and go to the park I will greet them on the porch swing with homemade lemonade and chocolate chip cookies! I’m so excited! Well I guess I better get busy on the cookies…I smile to myself when I think about the shock I’ll see in their faces when I come out bearing gifts.

I must admit I am very nervous. The time arrives and Doug and Cassie just returned from the park and are in the yard inspecting their flower garden that they had planted earlier in the year. Here I go, one step at a time. When they come back up the hill I’ll be sitting in my swing. Cassie was the first one to spot me. She dropped her dad’s hand and ran and jumped into my arms. She was so happy! All she kept saying was, “Mommy, Mommy I knew you could do it! Daddy was right…he said someday you just would. Oh Mommy I love you!” Then she wrapped her little arms around me and showered me with Cassie kisses. I have never seen her so happy. Now Cassie and I could play outside and set up bird feeders…The world was suddenly a much bigger place and I was a very happy woman.

I happened to glance over at Doug, he made my heart skip a beat. He had tears streaming down his face. I never realized how much it affected him that I was a recluse. I saw now the pain and guilt I had been causing him all these years. We were healing. When Doug realized that I was watching him, he quickly looked away out of embarrassment and at that moment I fell in love with him all over again. Most couples don’t survive what we’ve been through…with us it just made us stronger. I guess when you lose so much, thinking about losing each other was unfathomable. Doug had stolen my heart years ago…but how can you steal what has always been readily given freely? While I was lost in memories and thoughts it was that moment that Doug startled me by grabbing both Cassie and I in a huge bear hug.

There she was…outside! “Oh Faye, I’m so proud of you.,” Doug said as the tears flowed freely down his face. I pulled them into a big bear hug. I was so proud of her. I couldn’t believe it…I never thought seeing someone outside could make me so happy. What people take for granted everyday my Faye had I’m sure struggled to do. I was in awe of the woman that stood before me, her strength and courage were something to behold. At that moment Doug said something he thought he’d never dreamed possible…” How would you girls like to have a picnic outside tonight?” Both Cassie and Faye both readily agreed.

Cassie and I decided to run to the grocery store and get the supplies. Faye disappeared into the kitchen to throw some salad and drinks etc. together. For the first time in a long time they actually seemed like a normal family. When Cassie and Doug got back Faye was in the kitchen slicing and dicing. Cassie put the groceries away and Doug lit the grill. Cassie talked and talked…Faye smiled and thought about how almost perfect this was. Perfection would have been her strapping son outside helping his dad light the grill and playing basketball or talking about sports or cars…Faye quickly snapped out of it as Cassie grabbed her skirt and looked up at her questioningly? “What’s wrong Mommy? You looked so far away? But as Cassie asked, she already knew the answer…Timmy.

She had never met him but she knew him. She knew he was taken and that’s why mommy never went outside. She knew he was taken on her birthday eight years ago. He would be sixteen now. She was turning six. She knew that mommy never gave up hope and that someday Cassie would see him. She was not sure how or when but she knew she’d see her brother. That was both a warm yet very unsettling feeling. Cassie would always talk to Doug about him but never Faye. She made a mental note to ask why she was so apprehensive about meeting Timmy. Dad would know, he knew everything. Doug was the smartest person she knew.

Chapter 12

They all pitched in to create the best picnic they had ever had. There was potato salad and watermelon, fried chicken and hamburgers, hotdogs and sausages. You would think they were feeding an army but no…just the three of them. Cassie tossed the salad and added the ingredients just as soon as Faye had them cut up. There were fresh lemons in the lemonade and a giant fruit bowl. All of Cassie’s favorite foods, especially the fruit bowl…Cassie’s all-time favorite! Faye put fresh pineapple, peaches, strawberries, apples and grapes. Orange wedges and melons…the list went on and on. This was going to be the best dinner ever; they were all together enjoying the wonderful outdoors as a family. After dinner Faye brought out the fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies she had made. I don’t think any of us had ever eaten and laughed so much. I will never take the simple things in life for granted ever again…Those are the best times by far. Making memories for the ones you love and with the ones you love are all you need in life to be happy.

I watched Faye and Cassie run from one end of the yard to the other. There was a full moon and a lot of stars out so there was lots of light. The soft glow from the ebbing fire added to the ambiance. They were laughing and when Faye wasn’t swinging Cassie in the air they were chasing and catching fireflies. It’s as if they were rediscovering each other and it was a beautiful sight. Rolling in the grass down the hill and pulling the petals off the four leaf clovers and making wishes. Cassie’s wishes were that this night would never end…Faye wished that too, but I knew Faye and I knew he was never far from her mind and her heart…Timmy.

I had such a wonderful time with Cassie. We played and chased each other. She let me swing her…” I want to touch the stars’ mommy…swing me higher!” She shouted with glee. She was already making plans for the next day…A tea party by the garden…Could we go down the hill to the playground? I just smiled and swung her higher. So much happiness but pain as well. Where was my son? Did someone play with him? Did he touch the stars and have big dreams of hunting wild game while exploring his yard? Did he play football? What was his girlfriend like? Did he ever think of me? Did he blame me? So many thoughts running through my head…But back to realty…I had a little girl that wanted to catch lightening bugs! We caught so many lightening bugs and once again Doug calmly explained to a very inquisitive child why they lit up. “No, Cassie we can’t keep them as pets.” We made lightening bug lanterns and promised Cassie that they would be there again the next time she wanted to make lanterns. This felt like heaven, I was watching my beautiful wife and daughter discovering each other all over again. This was a magical time for all of us. I thought about how miserable we were before Cassie came along. The weak frail woman of yesteryear was no more. Before me was a beautiful and very strong woman that had over-come so many obstacles, it was still a miracle that she was even here. I thanked God everyday though because if I didn’t have my Faye…life would just not be worth living for me. I love her more today than I did yesterday. I loved her on our wedding day but now my deep feelings of pride and admiration and oh so much love were overflowing. Some men think it’s hard to give themselves only to one woman.

But through the years Faye has matured and the young girl I loved and married has turned into not only a mother but a friend and a lover that I think sometimes knows me better than I know myself. If your partner can not only be your lover but your confidant, your cohort in crime and your best friend then you have the best of both worlds. If you are just as happy to see them as they are to see you at the end of the day, then never let go. As I pondered these thoughts I wasn’t aware that Cassie came up just then and she whispered in my ear…” Daddy wishes do come true, Mommy is outside playing with me!” She gave me a big sloppy Cassie kiss, a quick hug and then she was off to show her Mommy all the flowers we planted. I had never seen them so happy. They were walking hand-in-hand planning another beautiful flower garden complete with a koi pond. They were acting like two little school girls. That really struck me as an odd comparison because one hadn’t started school yet and the other had been out of school for quite a few years.

As our evening drew to a close, we tossed all the fruit and salad and corn in the yard for the squirrels and the forest animals. They always came out when we went to bed. With Cassie on my shoulders and Faye’s hand in mine we retired into the house to clean up our mess and put our tired girl to bed. While Cassie was upstairs washing the outside off, I turned towards Faye…cupped her face in my hands and asked her, “How did all this happened? When did you do this?” As she regaled the entire story to me I told her that I was never so proud of anyone in all my life. She told me she still had a long way to go, she still became paralyzed with fear when she thought about getting into the car again and driving was completely out of the question. I laughed and told her that we were better off with me driving because she had no sense of direction.

Lord only knows where we’d end up! We both laughed at that as she gently shoved me away. But then she told me that when she thought about leaving the confines of their property she felt as if she were going to panic. I just smiled and told her that she had accomplished so much more on her own than most people could or would in therapy with years of sessions. “Faye, I have every faith in your ability, just take it slow as you need to, lean on me, that’s what I’m here for. You don’t have to do everything alone Silly Ducky! I love you and I will do everything within my power to help you.” Faye held me this time not as a scared and helpless woman, she was not unsure or needy…she held me as my equal.

That was an absolutely wonderful feeling. Cassie’s birthday was in two days and for once I was looking forward to an event. Even though Cassie and Timmy shared the same birthday. But for some reason…try as I might I couldn’t get rid of the little tickle that told me even with all the happiness we were experiencing, “Don’t let your guard down.” My sixth sense was tingling…I shrugged it off, what could possibly go wrong? I slept fitfully that night but I slept.

Chapter 13

I actually woke up refreshed, there was so much to do today. After a giant breakfast of pancakes and eggs…the feeling of dread was gone if just for a little while. Faye had quite the grocery list for Cassie and I and off we went! Party favors, food, drinks, games…We had to make sure that everything was perfect…You only turn six once! As for Cassie’s cake; she wanted a cake in the shape of a teddy bear in a pink poncho with a pink flower behind her ear.

With so many years of being cooped up in the house Faye had become an expert baker and quite the chef. She insisted on making Cassie’s cake. After baking and decorating Cassie’s cake Faye added her very own special touch. She purchased a locket to put around the bears wrist. While it was beautiful it served a purpose. On the inside were pictures, the left side had a picture of Faye and myself and the right side had a picture of Cassie. On the back was Cassie’s phone number and address. Faye figured she couldn’t protect her all the time and in her mind I knew that now she reasoned if Cassie ever got lost she’d never forget where home was. This was her way of letting our little girl venture out into the big bad world with her blessing…even if her big bad world so far consisted of the park and kindergarten and trips to town with dad. She had the bracelet special ordered to match the bear…white gold because it is stronger and outlined in pink to match the bear. Cassie didn’t know about the bracelet and I had stumbled onto it by surprise. Fay was the most thoughtful person I knew. She always put everyone else’s needs in front of her own. Cassie will see the beautiful bracelet and love it because of the thought and care that went into it…I knew the hidden meaning behind it.

After a few tedious hours and quite a few choice words her cake was complete with the bracelet strategically placed in plain sight around the bear’s wrist. “Quite the masterpiece I’m quite proud of myself,” Faye thought. She smiled at her creation let’s see how well Cassie pays attention to detail. With that the teddy went into the refrigerator. The rest of the day was spent cooking and preparing everything for the party. That evening we all retired early because planning a six year old birthday party is extremely exhausting.

Besides, we would have to get up pretty early so we could set everything up. People were going to start showing up around 1pm in the afternoon. We wanted to be able to have a little family time for ourselves before we had to share our precious little girl with everyone else. We had some special gifts for her and Faye had to have her time to celebrate Timmy. I knew this and even though I loved my son dearly, he was gone. Faye had a ritual, first she would light a candle and put it in his room. Sit on his bed and hold his pillow. She would cry and hug that pillow as if sending all her love through it to our son. Faye also made him a cake every year and decorated his room. She needed this private time and Cassie and I learned to just let her go through it. I knew Timmy was gone. Cassie even deduced on her own that he was gone…Faye steadfastly believed that he would return. I think deep down she knew but to let go was to admit it and she couldn’t imagine anything bad ever happening to him.

She had made herself believe that the “people” that took him had the best intentions in mind. Honestly though, if you snatch a child it’s never for the good. Bad people do bad things. In my book I believe that people aren’t born bad and you can only blame mom or dad for so long…eventually people grow up and make choices. Whomever took my son had bad intentions and I know this sounds cruel but I hope he died quickly and painlessly. I hope he wasn’t scared…I try not to think about it anymore the guilt is almost unbearable. But yes the guilt is still there. And today as Faye softly cries in his bedroom I wrestle with my own demons about that fateful day. “I’m so sorry my son…I have failed you in the worst way possible, I didn’t protect you. Please forgive me.” I hang my head and slowly walk away from the muffled sobs coming from behind Timmy’s locked door. I made a vow that nothing and no one will ever harm a hair on Cassie’s head…I will protect her with my dying breath. Woes the person that makes her cry. Will anyone ever be good enough for her…hmmm, that remains to be seen.

I had to shake it off and knowing Faye, after her cry she’ll shower and come downstairs looking like a rose. Behind every smile is a cascade of tears waiting to fall…but this is Cassie’s day and we want her to remember it with love and laughter and good times had by all. Mask the pain, quell the fear…but that feeling of dread is back stronger than ever. No time for that now, I had the outside to decorate. We had Piñatas to set up and games to hang and prepare. I had to hide all the clues for the treasure hunt, the Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey needed to be hung.

Water in the apple barrel. I finished it all with time to light the grill for the burgers and dogs! Cassie and I helped Faye set up all the food and beverages. It was a lot of hard work making a six year olds birthday the absolute best it can be. I actually couldn’t wait to be done with the busy work and plant myself behind the grill where I could relax, drink a beer and enjoy the festivities. It dawned on me then that if Faye hadn’t made herself come outside…this would have all been on me. Wow, thank you Faye…I definitely could not have done this! Cassie was at the point of bouncing off the walls! It was so good to see my little daughter and wife so excited. Looking at Faye now and seeing her smile is a far cry from the woman that was upstairs not only three hours ago in so much pain and agony. I looked at Faye and felt I should pinch myself because this felt almost normal. Could we finally live happily-ever-after? I hope so…God I pray so.

The doorbell rings, yep it’s 1pm and here come all the kids and the parents. It’s kind of funny all of Cassie’s friends and their parents know me and of course Cassie but none of them had ever seen Faye. I’m sure some of them if not most of them thought that I was raising Cassie alone. They never asked, but I had heard the whispers and seen the sad looks…. Is he divorced? Is he a widower? Poor Doug, raising that baby all alone. It was quite comical. Many of the moms had put the moves on Doug. Maybe they thought he was gay? Would they be in for a surprise! The ones that actually took the time to ask were expecting a quiet, very shy and reclusive woman…You should have seen their faces when they met my beautiful, bubbly and very happy wife. And Cassie was beaming, poor Faye, Cassie made it her mission to introduce her to every one of her friends and all of their parents.

Faye took it like a trooper. Would she remember all the names? This is the woman that had not had anyone except myself and Cassie for all of these years. She had no friends…well until this afternoon anyway! Now she had lunches and teas and promised play-dates. I almost felt jealous, I was used to having her all to myself and now all of a sudden I had to share…Quite a different feeling I must say. A smiled played across my lips though…because now we were a quote-un-quote normal family.

Let the party begin! The nagging feeling had subsided and the look on Cassie’s face was worth more to me than all the gold in the world. Doug looked like the cat that swallowed the canary. It was such a beautiful day. Not too hot and not too cold. The sun was shining and the kids were playing. Doug was finally relaxing…I guess I never realized how tense he had been. I was getting used to the deep belly laughs again and it was wonderful. Music to my ears if you will; then there were Cassie’s little snickers she had such a cute laugh…I had never really noticed. And the amount of friends she has, I have missed out on so much…No more! Life was for the living and I wanted to live. I just can’t help wishing that Timmy were here. After-all today was his birthday too. He is sixteen years old today. I could feel the familiar sadness creeping ever so slightly in…Not today, not in front of Doug or Cassie…I could cry later in the shower when I would be alone. They have been through so much, enjoy today my loves, enjoy today.

Chapter 14

So many friends, I don’t know who to play with first…Oh well, maybe we can all play a game together? Hmmm….”Dad – Daddy, can we do the treasure hunt?” I’m so excited…mommy made up the clues so that everything would be fair but I got to pick out the different colors. The clues were different colors and covered in glitter. Daddy said the magic words…” Treasure hunt it is, yay!!!”. Everyone has a treasure map. There are seven clues. “Ok, I’ll read clue one” dad said and then you are all on your own! Clue one, “If you are in a hungry mood, go here first and take some food.” Everyone ran towards the house but me. I know mom and she likes to keep her house clean so I’m guessing the food is where dad is…The grill! Yes! I’m right! Clue number two: “You’re probably thinking what the heck! You might want to check out the deck.”

Everyone is still searching for the first clue and I’m already on the third one! How exciting!!!Time for number three…” When it’s extremely cold you can’t leave me out. Everyone needs me for their garden to sprout.” Wow that one is tough, except that daddy and I plant a garden every year…What is it that we use? I know-I know, the hose!!!We use it all summer and have to put it away in the winter so that it doesn’t crack because of the cold! I found the next clue! Looks to me like all the others are still only on clue number two! Ok, here I go number four! “During the warm weather you stand, kneel, work and sweat in me. I like the sun and the rain but I can’t be in the shade of a tree.” I happened to glance over at the garden daddy and I planted and I think…yep I do see a small blue piece of paper! Clue number five, “Don’t be sappy! Stay rooted by branching out on this object.” Hmmm…that sounds like daddy’s trees by the edge of our yard?” I’m never allowed to go by the trees but this is a treasure hunt. Not everyone is playing some of the boys are playing kickball…oh no, there goes the ball past the trees. I can get it…” Hold on!” Oh wow, it’s pretty in here…look at the honey bees and the butterflies! (Cassie walks farther into the woods.) Pretty soon she can hardly hear the others…to busy looking around. “Why am I not allowed to come out here it’s so cool!!!” Pretty soon Cassie forgot why she even came into the woods…she forgot all about the boys and the ball.

No one noticed her missing for quite a while. There were so many kids and Doug was busy cooking burgers and dogs. Faye on the other hand try as she might was being pulled here and there. So many mothers wanting to know how she could bear to stay in the house for so long. They asked a lot of questions that she wasn’t ready to answer yet. Some whispered and smiled to her face…I guess people judge what they don’t understand. Faye just smiled and made small talk. It had been a while since she had espied her daughter anywhere and she was starting to get concerned. She made her way over to Doug and soon they were both looking for her. Meanwhile…

Chapter 15

There’s a crash that’s followed by a loud thud then nothing. An eerie silence as Cassie falls into complete darkness...She lays motionless. Drifting in and out of consciousness “W-where am I? It’s cold down here and I hurt…. Mommy…I want my mommy…Daddy, daddy…I want my daddy.” (Cassie cries unheard by those searching for her.) Soon she falls asleep again, it’s very cold in this dark place.

She was just here? Where is she? Oh my god…not again, please not again! “Doug where is Cassie?” I’ve got to find my daughter! “Please someone help me! Where’s Cassie?” Doug is checking the house…Everyone is looking for her…She has vanished; she’s gone just like my Timmy. Oh God…there’s Doug…” Doug, Doug did you find her?” All the color has drained from his face…She’s not in the house?” I went down to my knees…sobbing uncontrollably begging someone to find my baby.” Then I looked towards the woods and dread filled every fiber of my being. Please no, she went to the woods. “Doug she went to the woods!”

Oh please not again…Cassie? “Where’s Faye? I ran over to her she is on her knees…Get up we have to find Cassie!! Then it’s back…the feeling I’ve been trying to lose all day and I looked towards the trees. Maybe she’s just lost? I sprint towards the woods; I have to find Cassie. I looked back and everyone is following my lead now…Cassie we start yelling. Not a sound, the woods are quiet…I don’t hear anything except the blood pumping through my own veins and my heart beat. I feel fear, she has to be here…Cassie I yell. Silence, nothing but dead silence. Everyone instinctively lined up and started calling her name but there is nothing. After a while, what seemed like hours the parents start to give up the search.

They have to get their own children home. Someone called the police, they are trying to get me to leave the woods. I can’t, somewhere in those dark woods my daughter is helpless and afraid…She may be hurt. I’m not leaving without my Cassie. Where is Faye? Oh God…Faye. I haven’t thought about her since all this happened. We have been so careful; I should have put up a fence years ago. I should have cut back the over-growth, I didn’t. We instilled in Cassie never to go near the woods…Why did she do it? Where is she? There are flashlights now and search dogs…Officer Jess is here. He’s trying to sooth Faye. I can hear the things he’s telling her, “If she’s out here the dogs will find her I promise you.”. The parents are whispering amongst themselves…They recognize us now; they think it odd that now two of our children have just disappeared. I don’t care what they think…just find my daughter.

Cassie woke up and thought she was having a bad dream. Her arm was hurting and she couldn’t move her legs. She was cold and scared and didn’t know where she was. Last she remembered she was at her birthday party having a treasure hunt. The woods…she’s in the woods but where? Her eyes had gotten used to her surroundings so she was able to make out something leaning against the wall. What was it? As hard as she tried to move closer to it her legs didn’t want to work. It was also very cold down here “wherever here was?” It smelled funny here and she realized she was sitting in water?

When she looked up she could no longer see the light out of a very small hole. Maybe it was night time? All she knew is that she was cold and tired and very very afraid. Where was mommy and daddy? Why hadn’t they found her yet? When she opened her mouth to yell nothing more than a hoarse whisper emerged. She hadn’t had anything to drink for a while and she definitely wasn’t going to drink this nasty water it smelled funny. She looked around and realized she was in a well. But this well had not been used in a long time by the looks of it. In the corner she saw what looked like a backpack and a teddy bear? Those were really strange things to find in an abandoned well? She couldn’t make out what the lump was leaning against the wall? Almost looked like a small person. Why would there be a person in the well and why wasn’t the person trying to help her? “Hey, hey you…can you help me find my mom and my dad? I’m scared and I want to go home…Hey, how come you won’t talk to me? Is that your bear and backpack?” Maybe he or she is asleep…Cassie thought. She used her arms drug and clawed her way to the side of the well that is closest to her. That really hurt, thank goodness daddy is a doctor he can fix me…But first he has to find me. She leaned her head against the wall and snatched the old dirty teddy bear out of the smelly water, hugged it close to her and drifted off into a cold fitful sleep.

It was happening again…dogs and police, search parties. I-I can’t do this again. Where was my Cassie? Her birthday was so perfect until it wasn’t. “Take this the doctor said, try to sleep…No-no-no, how can I sleep while my baby is not safely tucked away in her princess room?” Why did they stop searching? Something about it being too dangerous at night in the woods? Yet my daughter was in the woods. She’s alone, she’s scared…God forbid she may be hurt. And where is Doug? Why isn’t he looking for her? Now it’s late and it’s quiet and starting to rain. Tears silently slid down my cheek…oh please god, please not again I sobbed.

It’s raining and I have failed, my baby is lost in the woods. Be brave daddy’s girl, do whatever you have to I will find you. I will bring you home. I’m sitting on the window sill and in the back of my mind I can hear Faye’s muffled sobs. As I stare out into the dark and watch the rain slide down the window. I think I’m crying but I’m not sure. I’m numb again, in one split second all my joy was once again wrenched away from me. Cassie has to be alright…I can’t believe otherwise, I refuse to. But there is a nagging question that keeps rolling around in my mind and threatens to emerge. If she is ok, then why didn’t she cry out when we were searching for her? She could not have gotten that far. Where is my Cassie? I’m so sorry Faye, it was my job to keep you and our daughter safe. I’m a failure yet again. First Timmy and now Cassie. No…Not Cassie, I won’t allow it! I don’t care what “Officer Friendly” said I’m going searching for my daughter. It’s cold, dark and raining and my little girl needs me. “Hold on Cassie, daddy is coming…I willed her to hear me.” With that I got the flashlight, put on my rain slicker and slipped out the back door headed into the ominous woods. I had nothing on my mind but finding my little girl. I looked up into the sky as the rain drops stung my eyes and vowed that if there was a god he would help me find my little girl.

D-daddy is that you daddy? I hear daddy!!! “Hey you, daddy will help us both get out of here! I’m sure your mommy and daddy are looking for you too!” I yelled at the top of my lungs…” Daddy I’m here!” I wanted to tell him there was someone down here with me but he’d see soon enough. I was so sore and tired and very cold. I don’t know how long I had been down here, thank goodness for this other kid down here with me. He or she doesn’t talk much it would have been much scarier to be down here alone.

Even though the teddy smelled funny and was wet he reminded me of my bunny on my bed. Cassie thought to herself…” daddy has to hear me” …more determined than ever she started yelling as loud as she could. Why doesn’t this other kid yell? He or she can’t be asleep…maybe they don’t want to go home? But I do! “DADDY!!!!!” He’s getting closer I can hear him…find me please! Maybe if I try and stand up? (Searing pain shoots through Cassie’s legs as she tries to stand) Cassie slumps back down in the murky cold water and tears start to trickle down her dirty little face, every move hurt. Disheartened she tried to pull her legs into her body…she was very cold and getting colder.

Where is Cassie? I thought I heard her yell and now nothing. Is my heart willing my mind to hear what it wants? So many thoughts are running through my head. If I can’t find her I don’t want to live in a world without her. She has been our salvation and now she’s gone. God plays evil tricks on people. I’m not going to think the worst, it is late maybe she fell asleep? I’m trying to remember if she at least had a coat on? Why can’t I remember? I strain to hear her but all I hear is the beating of my heart and the rustling of the leaves under my shoes. At least it has stopped raining. I hope my little girl is somewhere safe and warm. If I find her…no, I’m not going to think like that. When I find her…damn, I should have brought her a warm coat. I’m just not thinking clear…I have to clear my head and concentrate on every little sound because one of them might be her. “Cassie…Cassie, can you hear me?” I yell…nothing greets me, just dead eerie silence.

The shivering woke Cassie up. It must have been a dream she thinks sadly. She turns to the little person that is in the well with her and asks him if he heard her daddy. She thinks it’s a he because of the pants and the “boy tennis shoes.” He must be asleep though because he hasn’t answered her. She continues to talk to him…” What’s your name? Is this your bear? Do you mind if I hold him? Where are your mommy and daddy? How long and why are you down here? Did you fall in like I did? Cassie gets frustrated because she is only answered by silence. But somehow by talking to him Cassie doesn’t feel so alone. Her eyes have really adjusted well to the dimly lit area and she sees that the small person in the well with her is a little boy. He is really skinny and all scrunched up in the corner. He is hugging a backpack against his chest. From what she can make out he has blonde hair. She feels a connection to him but she’s not sure why. The backpack looks familiar. Hmmm, maybe she saw one like it in the store when she went shopping with daddy? It doesn’t matter because when daddy finds her he will also get this little boy out of here and I bet his mommy and daddy will be happy to see him. He seemed really sad to Cassie. He doesn’t move or talk…Cassie finally decided that he just sleeps a lot. Cassie starts to nod off again she is really hungry and cold. She slowly starts to scoot over by the little boy hoping maybe he’ll keep her warm. Every move she makes is agony but she makes it and leans next to the little boy. She felt some small relief because at least she was not alone anymore.

It’s day two, the police are already searching the woods. They started bright and early. I can hear the dogs. I want to help but I can’t make myself get out of bed. This is like déjà vu. Every time I close my eyes I see Timmy. I’m numb…when I close my eyes I’m reliving that fateful day that Timmy went missing. Cassie needs me I can’t let her down like I did with Timmy. But I can’t move, it’s as if I’m in a fog. I don’t know where Doug went? Was he here this morning? As hard as I try I can’t remember. Maybe Cassie is home? With that Faye gets up and runs down the hall and throws open Cassie’s door only to be met by the site of a bed that was not slept in, presents that were not opened…Faye slides down the wall outside of Cassie’s door and the tears start cascading down her face. She crawls across the room and leans against Cassie’s bed. As she runs her hands across the blanket she feels Bunny and clutches the stuffed rabbit to her chest. Oh my god she realizes that Cassie can’t sleep without Bunny. Faye buries her head in the bunny cries herself to sleep…Her haunted dreams are of Timmy and now Cassie they are blended together…It’s as if she done this before. A nightmare that she can’t wakeup from.

Faye woke with a start; she can’t lay here a wallow in self-pity while her daughter needs her. She made the mistake once of giving up and by god it won’t happen again. She ran to her room and put on her shoes and long pants and coat. She was determined to find her little girl. She willed Cassie to hear her…” Mommy is coming baby, hang on.” She ran to Cassie’s room and grabbed Bunny, a warm coat and a blanket for Cassie. She was either going to find her or die trying.

She took the stairs two-at-a-time and barely noticed Doug passed out on the couch. She was on a mission and she would not fail. With a deep breath she threw open the front door and ran out into the cold brisk morning. She sprinted to the woods, and passed the threshold that she hadn’t dared cross in a very long time. No time to pause or rethink anything…her baby needed her. She walked carefully looking for signs that her daughter had been there. It was hard because of everyone yesterday that had trampled through here. Then she saw it, a wet cold light pink ribbon. She recognized it because she had lovingly placed it around Cassie’s ponytail yesterday morning before the party. Cassie had picked that one out special because that was her mommy’s favorite color. Renewed hope surged though Faye, she had found a sign. She kept looking and soon about 50 yards away she found one of the treasure hunt clues. Faye found the little blue piece of paper that had clue 5 on it. It was wet and torn and smudged with mud but she knew the clues by heart and each one had been written on a different color of very bright paper. Faye knew on this morning she would find her daughter.

Come what may she would find Cassie. The animals had started to stir so now the silent woods were once again teaming with life. Faye called out for Cassie…still nothing. She refused to give up hope, it was as if something or someone was guiding her. She wondered how so many people did not see these clues? There was a clearing up ahead so Faye decided to go there and carefully look. She could not run willy-nilly through the woods she might miss something. In the clearing she sat down on a mossy green log, the sun was just beginning to peak through the top of the trees. She could feel the warmth on her face and she smiled because she was not afraid. As a matter-of-a-fact she had not thought of herself at all. She knew that a mother’s love for her child was a very powerful weapon and she intended to use all her skill and cunning to track down her wayward lost and probably very scared child. Tonight Cassie would sleep in her own bed and Faye would watch over her. First thing first, she had to find her. “Cassie, she yelled again…nothing.” She was so lost in thought that she almost missed the bright yellow piece of paper…clue number one! Faye had been walking now for over an hour but she wasn’t giving up. It would be ironic to find Cassie and then get lost herself. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” That’s when she saw it…the treasure map. Cassie must be close. “Baby, mommy’s here, Cassie can you hear me?”

Cassie was very groggy but she thought she heard her mommy. She asked the little boy if he had heard anything. He didn’t answer, he never answered her but he was here and he felt familiar and that comforted her. She leaned closer to him and whispered that they would find his mommy and daddy too. She heard it again louder this time…It is mommy!!! “Mommy, I’m here! Her voice was no more than a whisper and her little body was shaking uncontrollably but she tried again and this time she was a little louder. “Mommy, mommy I’m here!” She hugged the ravaged little teddy bear to her…Cassie knew she was going home!

That time Faye heard her! Cassie was alive and coming home. But where was she? Faye was three hours into her search and she couldn’t see her anywhere. Her voice sounded a little muffled…think Faye think. Then she saw it, she almost missed it. A well, hmmm there was an abandoned well all the way out here in the woods. “Cassie?” She heard the sweetest sound, she heard her baby calling to her. She found Cassie, she was in the well. Fear crept into Faye’s mind, was Cassie hurt? How did she get down the well? She looked around inspecting the well, over-grown moss and weeds had hidden it from everyone for so long.

The wood on top of it was jagged and splintered. Cassie had most likely tripped and fallen down into the well. No matter, Faye started removing the fallen branches and looked around for a way to get into the well without getting stuck herself. She peered down into the hole but it was pretty deep and dark so she couldn’t make out much. “Hold on Cassie, mommy is here and I’m going to get you out ok.” It sounded to Faye like Cassie was talking to someone? Something about “we are almost saved and going home?” Faye felt a shiver go up and down her spine. But her mission now was to free her daughter from the well. She looked around and found some branches, she put them down the well and proceeded to shimmy down the branches into the deep dark well. She landed in water about up to her ankle and the smell was horrendous. She tried to look around and when her eyes adjusted to the dim light she spied Cassie leaning up against the side of the well under what looked like a little ledge. It was pretty dark in there and it took a bit for her eyes to adjust.

“Mommy! Mommy! You’re here, you found me. Can we help this little boy too? He has been down here a long time. He doesn’t talk much but he has helped me. He let me hold on to his teddy bear all night so I wouldn’t be scared. We can’t leave him down here.” Faye looked at the little boy and fell to her knees. She recognized his tattered clothes and the shoes she had bought him to wear to school for the first time. She recognized his teddy. Oh my god…she found her little Timmy. She was numb, so many thoughts racing through her head.

She couldn’t process this it was too much. She crawled over to him. He was just a skeleton at this point but she brushed a tuft of blonde hair out of his face. When she gazed at him through tear filled eyes she did not see a skeleton she saw her little boy. She saw his dimples and his rosy cheeks, his beautiful blue eyes and she could hear his laughter. She thought to herself that the sweetest sound to a mother’s ears is the sound of your child’s laugh. Cassie was looking at her mommy now and wondering what was going on? Does mommy know this little boy? She is crying and smiling at the same time. Cassie shook her mommy, “can we go home now mommy?” Faye looked at Cassie and calmly said, “Yes baby-girl we are all going home now, you and me and Timmy.” Cassie looked at the little boy, the realization hit her that this was her big brother. Why was he still so little she wondered? He wasn’t much bigger than she was? It didn’t matter she decided, daddy would explain it to her. He always made sense of things that made no sense to her. Faye gathered up her daughter and put the coat on her that she had brought. She then took her coat off and gently cradled her son in the coat.

She gathered up all his things and tied both ends of the coat shut. It was time for Timmy to leave this watery little grave and come back to the bosom of his family that loved him. Yes, Faye knew he was gone but her love for him was strong and fierce and she was not leaving him down here for one more minute. The climb was hard and she slipped a few times. Cassie was injured in the fall so Faye went very slowly. She wore her coat like a backpack for it held very precious cargo. Finally, as they reached the top Faye crawled out. Covered in mud and water Faye carefully laid the coat down and then turned her concentration onto her daughter.

Cassie was wet and cold and shivering uncontrollably but more alarming was the way her leg splayed to the side of her body at a very unnatural angle. She had lots of cuts and bruises and they were all angry and red. Infection was setting in, she needed to get her home. Her brave little girl had not once complained. Faye looked around, she would have to create some kind of stretcher so as not to damage Cassie’s leg any more than the fall and the trek out of the well had done. She found some long branches there were a lot of fallen trees around the area and she remembered the blanket she had brought for Cassie. She took the shoe laces out of her shoes and ripped small holes in the fleece blanket so that she could secure it to branches and make it sturdy to transport her daughter out of here. With the make-shift stretcher complete she carefully laid Cassie in it and put her coat backpack on and started the slow ordeal of going home.

Cassie quickly fell asleep and as Faye gazed down at her daughter she saw the dark circles and the paleness of her skin. We weren’t out of the woods yet I just knew that I needed to get Cassie home where Doug could assess her condition. Amazingly I found my way to the clearing and I could hear Officer Jess and Doug calling for me. Soon we were all reunited. Doug was so relieved to see me and then he saw Cassie. Worry creased his brow, he didn’t say anything but after living with a man for so many years sometimes the silence is worse. Officer Jess looked worried too. Cassie had not woken up but at least the shivering had ceased a little. Officer Jess took off his coat and covered her. We had about another hour and a half to go until we would be clear of the woods. Actually it would take longer because we had to go slow. We could not chance picking Cassie up because of her injuries so we went over each bump gingerly. Sometimes we could hear Cassie grimace in her sleep. I was worried because once she closed her eyes she never woke back up. Maybe I thought she was just so relieved to be out of the well and felt safe once again…maybe it was worse. All I knew is that I had my family back together. I hadn’t had a chance to tell Doug about Timmy. In all the commotion he hadn’t even noticed my make-shift backpack. There would be time to tell everything once we knew Cassie was ok. Cassie had to be ok.

After another two hours we were finally at the edge of the woods that led to our property. Cassie was shivering uncontrollably yet her skin was hot to the touch. She was mumbling incoherently and thrashing about on the stretcher. I felt helpless at this point. Maybe I found her too late? No I refused to give up on her, we had been through too much today and besides Doug was the best doctor I knew. I had faith in his abilities and he would make her better. We got her in the house and Officer Jess went up and started a warm bath for her. We put Epsom salt in the water to help with the nasty wounds that were very infected at this point.

I explained to Jess and Doug that I had found her in an abandoned well that was calf high in stagnant water and yes Timmy. But I hadn’t told them about Timmy yet. Slowly they placed a semi-unconscious little girl into a lukewarm bath so as not to throw her beat up bruised little body into anymore shock than it already was. I knelt by the tub and with a warm wash cloth wiped away all the dirt from her face. Then it happened as I knelt there and softly sung to her Cassie opened her eyes and softly smiled at me. I had saved my daughter…peace filled my soul. She reached out her little hand and brushed away the tears that I didn’t even know had started to flow. Although not more than a whisper she said, “Mommy it’s going to be alright now, please don’t cry.”

We kept Cassie in the warm water until the shivering subsided and she was a bit more alert. I wanted to give the Epsom salt time to soak into the angry wounds and scratches to relieve some of the pain and discomfort that I knew she had to be feeling. I marveled at my little girl, not once in all of this had I heard her complain. When we got her all cleaned up Officer Jess said he had to go let the station know that Cassie had been found and is in “Doctor’s care.”

Doug cleared off everything from the kitchen table and laid a clean white sheet across the table so that he could examine Cassie. Some of her wounds were superficial but some were not. It was too late to stitch them so we used some of the glue from his medical bag to seal the deeper wounds and covered them in butterfly bandages to protect them. Doug gave her some antibiotic shots to help her body fight the infection from the stagnant water. Her leg was another problem. Apparently when she fell she landed on a rock which crushed and splintered her hip. Doug looked at me and told me that she would have to have surgery to repair this. He was going to do the surgery himself but it had to be done now. “Faye, you are going to have to sit in the car and hold her extremely still, any type of movement will cause the splintered bone to do more harm. Can you do this? Can you ride in the car?” I had already started bundling up our daughter for the trip to the hospital. Once I was situated in the back of the car Doug laid Cassie in my arms. “Don’t be scared mommy” she said. “Daddy is going to make me all better.” Such a brave little girl…my heart swelled with love.