Getting Through Life Alone and Loving It

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. The ones who are involved in their children's lives and loves them unconditionally, I appreciate you to the highest. To a son, a father should be their hero, rather than a disappointment to them. I no longer celebrate Father's Day, because I've been estranged from my father for nearly 15 years. I'm the oldest of three children and unfortunately, I've suffered physical and verbal abuse on a regular basis from him. Every day, I was fearful of him. Whether or not I did something wrong, he would yell, belittle, and abuse me. Even over the smallest things, such as me refusing to greet someone, this toxic cycle continued. While parts of my childhood were great, the majority of it was filled with abuse. It was difficult for me to open up to him about certain things, because he would bombard me with a million questions. Him constant critiquing me on a regular basis was his favorite toxic trait. He would take issue with me on things I liked and how I presented myself. A few things about Liberian parents that everyone needs to be aware of are the following: They'll never admit any wrongdoing, apologizing to their children is beneath them, always portraying themselves as victims instead of doing any self-reflection, and finally, they gaslight you anytime you try to express that they've hurt your feelings. I've experienced these red flags firsthand when I was 14. I remember one day my father was constantly criticizing me for no reason. It was at the moment that I had to stand up to him once and for all. Spoiler alert: it didn't go well. He responded by yelling in my face, resulting with me being reduced to tears. It hurt my feelings deeply and I'm a very sensitive person. These are the reasons why I no longer commemorate Father's Day or share a picture of him on social media. Also, near the end of 2022 was the year that I told people that I preferred to be addressed by my middle name. I'm still toying with the idea of changing my last name, because having it reminds me of being born to toxic parents.

Fast forward many years later, I had graduated from Job Corps and from another vocational school with Honors. These events happened within a two-year span in 2011 and 2012 respectively. I didn't invite my father to either one of my graduations. I was already estranged from him around that time and didn't need to be stressed out. Back in 2020, I wrote an open letter addressing him and my estranged mother one final time on how badly they've treated me all those years. Plus, I came out to them for the first time. In their eyes, they would rather have a dead gay son than a living one. That them having a gay son would be embarrassing and disgraceful. For context, in case you didn't know, I came out as gay in February 2012, nearly three months before graduating from vocational school. So how am I doing now in 2026? I've been residing in Arkansas for nearly 20 years and living life the best that I can. I would go back to Texas every once in a while, for some me time, because that's where I'm originally from. I took my first vacation from work in nearly 15 years to Arlington, which is where I grew up. It was all about spending time to myself, not visiting family or relatives.

To be frank with everyone, I don't care if my estranged father will ever accept me as I am. By accept, I mean as a gay man. I have to make myself happy and love myself, since he rarely told me that he loved me. I'm no longer his emotional bag, nor the baggage that has weighed me down since childhood. I respect myself too much to tolerate disrespect from a toxic father. I'm no longer signing up to be his emotional puppet. Silence was the better option, not out of bitterness. 2011 was the year that I put my foot down and told myself that enough was enough. I've already accepted the fact that I couldn't change my father or make him love me. Sometimes, you have to let people go. My peace costs more that dealing with family drama. I choose myself and surround myself with people who love and supports me unconditionally. I'm not married or a father, but if I had a son, I would be there for him and love him unconditionally. If you're going through or have gone through something similar to my situation, surround yourself with loving and positive people in your life. You don't owe your father a thing and it's never your fault for walking away from someone who never loved you to begin with. Keep your head up and may your life be filled with joy.