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Forgive Me Papa

Am Broken...

By Sanah NPublished 6 years ago 4 min read

Dearest Papa,

I've been thinking too long and wasn't sure if I'm doing the right thing by writing my honest feelings. But after much thought I decided I should let you know whatever I feel & whatever I have been through. I have no intention of hurting anyone in this process, but am saddened that I have to let you know what is happening in my life.

I adore you and you're my most precious father and the most important one in the family and am always there for you, no matter what. I'm sure you know me well enough by now. I have never had to pretend or be someone else and I cannot be either. I have always been & done whatever for the family with utmost love, care, concern, sincerity and to the best of my ability.

20 odd years is a really long time and my journey in my marriage hasn't been smooth. You know the challenges I've faced with Mamma. Yet I put up with a lot, without bringing most of it to anyone's notice and adjusted with a lot of hurt and pain. I even moved away from you cause I knew she did not appreciate my closeness towards you.

She has manipulated many situations to suit her and thrown me in poor light, but my conscience is clear and the god above knows what and who I am. I've become a stronger person from the innocent girl when I first became part of our family, only cause I had to face plenty of challenging situations with Mamma. I've shed tears behind closed doors and my tears have dried and I cannot cry anymore.

I have taken good care of everyone possible in the family and their needs to the best of my ability. Even when I came to take care of Mamma when she was unwell, I did it with utmost sincerity and love and care, hoping I can heal her and relieve her of her pain and stress.

Unfortunately, she still seems to have issues with me and still treats me shabbily. I've been emotionally abused by her words and actions, which has also brought a rift between your son and me. Too many times I've always forgiven and thought that she's also my mother, but she never seemed to accept me and has always been quite cruel many a time.

If you remember, it started with my skin issues, later my back, it was all psychosomatic, connected to the mind, since I was suppressing my hurt feelings. Today I'm undergoing depression, and on medication and therapy for the same, which I have masked as hormonal imbalance.

Unfortunately, your son’s behaviour towards me has a lot to do with the influence of his mother. I'm not blaming him, he's a wonderful man and I love and respect him dearly. But it's come to a point where I'm unable to tolerate any toxic people in my life, since it's really affecting my mental health. My soul has been hurt and I am unable to deal with Mamma any longer. I wish to let you know that I do not want to have anything to do with her in future.

My psychiatrist and therapist have told me clearly that if this thing continues, my marriage is at stake and I will have a complete mental breakdown. I have my child to take care of and another father who depends solely upon me. My own mother has also been quite toxic towards me and I'm cutting out all negativity out of my life.

I will have to be honest with you and tell you that the only reason to come to your home or even tolerate Mamma over all these years is only because of you, and your son to some extent. After all, she is his mother. I respected that all along at the cost of everything, that now, I have lost.

So please try to understand, I know as much as it is difficult to accept and understand, I can no longer deal with Mamma and do not wish to have anything to do with her henceforth. I'm the same old person, still your daughter, who loves you more than you will ever know. How much you mean to me is something I cannot even express in words. So please try and understand my feelings and forgive me for having taken this step.

It's unfortunate that I'm unable to talk to you and tell you any more than this, but I hope you know and understand and respect my hurt soul. This is not how I ever wanted it to be, ever. But I'm pushed to the corner and I have no other way to change anything anymore. Am tired of it all. I can't let someone hurt me over and over again, 21 years is a really long time and it's done too much damage.

Though I've always put a smile on my face and never shown my hurt and pain, you cannot imagine what I've been put through. So please forgive me if I'm not visiting you, though I'd love to spend time with you, shower you with my love, hugs and kisses... please forgive me for what I have been made to become. I hope you understand, I know you're wise and you will. I will care and love you as always and be there and do whatever I can from my end, if the need ever arises. But please do not ask me to bond with Mamma, that's something I cannot.

Of course I will take care of her if she's unwell and needs any medical help. But other than that... please do not force me to have any interactions with her.

Always and forever,

your daughter.


About the Creator

Sanah N

Writer & poet looking at being hired for freelance writing & publishing my works.

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