For My Grieving Sister

From the moment we are born the process begins, our cells multiply rapidly until they start dying faster than they regenerate. However, for some of us our time comes to an end before the cycle does. This is for my sister that I regrettably left behind.

Dear Sissy,

I know you're hurting and that my passing is the cause of your pain, but please see pass your tears, open your ears, and listen with your heart for a moment. The grief you feel will never subside. Everyday you wake up you will miss me and the bond we shared. Every minute event and small chuckle will make you think of the times we had together on Earth. I apologize for changing your existence to this, but remember all the other times I changed your world?

Upon my birth, you were given the news that everything would be different. You would have a new role to play with responsibilities and you had a duty to help me learn and grow. At first, you didn't take kindly to the news because it sounded like a lot of hard work, but when you looked at me that too changed. I giggled at you and cooed as babies do and something in that moment made it seem like all the work to come would feel more natural. You helped mom change my diapers and tiptoed around the house when I took naps. You would play with me at bath time and always tried to share your snacks with me, even when I was still too small for some of them. You held my bottle for me and made funny faces so I wouldn't cry. All of this was part of your new role as my big sister and you did it effortlessly. Most days you smiled and laughed at how much help I needed. Other days you groaned at how much I cried, but in the end you grew to love being my sister and I love you for that too.

Eventually, you would help me with new tasks as we got older. Sometimes they were things that you had just learned to do yourself, but you didn't mind helping me get ahead in life. You held my hands as I learned to walk and picked me up when I fell. You pulled the wagon I rode in to show me how to get home from the park down the way. You pushed me in the baby swing next to yours and showed me how to use the big kid swing. You taught me how to fight away the nightmares and let me sleep with you on the nights they were too scary. You helped me learn to tie my shoes, took the training wheels off my bike when I was ready, and showed me how to safely climb on everything! I loved to follow you around even when you didn't want me to because I knew no matter what we were going to have a fun new adventure! Wherever we are, as long as we're together, we're happy.

Remember the time the kids in the neighborhood were bullying me. It started out as all of us playing at the park then they pushed me off the jungle gym. I twisted my ankle. You were reading your book on the bench when it happened and came over to me immediately. The kids pointed and laughed as I rolled in pain on the woodchips. You picked up a handful and threw it in the air at them. It got in their eyes and as they cried you told them that if they ever picked on me again you would do something ten times worse. You packed up your bag of books and strapped it to the front you then put me on your back. You carried me all the way home and treated all of my boo boos. You didn't know it then, but that was when you became my hero and I promised to reciprocate your love for and for always.

How about the time I broke my leg and ended up in a really big cast? We had been playing football in the morning grass and I slipped. The way I fell broke the bone cleanly. You never left my side after that. Even though I couldn't run and play with the other kids you were just as content to lay in the grass with me and watch the clouds. We'd sit on the bench and you'd read your books to me. You carried me everywhere and when you were tired you'd just pull me in the wagon again. I thought you were so strong then and I still admire how strong you are. No matter how much your body ached from playing sports or if you were hurt from falling, if I needed to be carried you found a way. When the cast came off, you were front and center again, helping me relearn to walk because my muscles had atrophied a little. Sometimes you would get impatient and pushed me to stand when it hurt. I cried then, but later I understood that you just didn't want me to fall behind. I'm sure you were just tired of having to give me extra care, but in the back of your mind I know you must've just wanted us to play like we did before the accident. Thank you for never letting my mental limitations stunt my growth. Thank you for pushing me to be as strong as you!

Life went on like this, having adventures, getting hurt, learning lessons, and always having each others' backs. It was a great time! You came to my concerts and games and I came to yours. We studied together, made fun of people together, ran away from awkward situations together. No one in this world means as much to me as you do. You are my big sister and the best one anyone could ask for. It wasn't all perfect, though. You have your demons and sometimes you could be downright cruel like the time you hung me upside down with a jump rope. My head hurt and I didn't know why you did it. You said I was talking too much and this would make me be quiet. When you let me down you asked if I understood that some times needed to be quiet times. I nodded even though I didn't really understand. I said I was sorry for annoying you and you nodded then walked away. I had no clue what was going on in your head back then and how you could go from being doting to malicious, all I knew was that it didn't change my love for you or how I saw you. No one was allowed to be mean to me, except for you. That was how I understood things. Later on I became aware of your mental illnesses and the traumas you suffered. You never let on when things were happening and that's why I didn't know before.

One day you went away for a long time it seemed. Our parents told me you were sick and that you were getting help. I was heartbroken. I missed you so much while you were gone. When you came back you seemed different, more melancholy than before. You apologized for all the awful things you did to me and asked if I could forgive you, but there was nothing to forgive! I love you and I know that you love me too! Actions always spoke louder than words and your acts of love far outweighed your acts of cruelty. I made it a point to hug you tighter and told you I loved you every chance I got. It became almost a ritual between us to give a hug, a kiss, a toss of the hair, and to say 'I love you' before separating.

After you came home, life was even better if that was even possible. We spent whole summers driving around in your car, hanging out with your friends and you'd even bring my friends along for the ride! We ate out at restaurants, took day trips to beaches, then closed out the nights with parties or small gatherings. What more could I ask for than a sister who included me in her life instead of pushing me away like most would? When I was old enough you taught me to drive in your car because Dad wouldn't let me practice in his. Despite how tired you were, you would get off from work, take me to an empty parking lot and just let me get the feel of things. Soon I had my own car and license and would come visit you at work all the time! Then I started working and you were so proud. You took pictures of me in uniform and helped me craft a resume. You told me how interview, what questions to ask, and gave me tips on how to manage my money. Just like when I was small, you were helping me stay ahead in life by teaching me from your experiences.

I want to apologize to you because the most recent instance in which I changed your life is less joyous. I had an accident in the car and it killed me. I heard your scream when Dad told you and it tore me apart. I never meant to leave you, we had so much planned and I know you must feel alone, but I'm still here. I still sleep with you at night and visit you during the day. I watch you constantly because you're not talking to anyone. You're bearing your pain alone like you used to, but this isn't like any other trauma. You can't kiss me or hug me, but I can still do those things for you. You can't show me or teach me things, but I can do that for you now. Sissy, don't be afraid to cry when you need to even though it breaks my heart. You don't have to be strong this time. I understand how much I've hurt you. No more vacations or late night rides. No more wrestling in the living room or days at the dog parks. It's all different again, but that's okay. Now I never have to leave you again, I'll always be at your side. Just promise you'll always remember one thing: I'm with you.

Truly yours,

I love you