First Taste of Fear Part 2

This is the second nightmare of mine Im sharing. My mom... I wanted her there. I would've given anything to be enough for her. She just couldn't. Some people don't know what it means to sacrifice for anyone/anything even their children. I still don't quite understand what she was doing that was so much better. I know she likes stupid men. But so do I haha. It's not funny but that shits funny. Whatever. It runs in the family I guess. More on this in later stories. For now, onto my dream.

So at a little over three my mom was arrested. Most people will never experience a police raid. This was my first. She was wanted for grand theft auto. So, in the middle of the night they kicked in my Grandparents' door, followed by every door in the house. They blinded us with lights through the windows and dragged her out of my toddler bed where she had fallen asleep with me. I know things have changed a little becasue of situations like this coming to light. But let me tell you, If the police want you or anyone in your home, or anyone they think you might be able to find... you're no longer human. Me as a 3 year old little girl hanging off my Mommy screaming because of the lights and the guns and the screaming and the smoke bomb.. I was horrified. But they peeled me off of her, held me down while they cuffed her, and took her to one of the few cars outside. I broke free from my MawMaw and ran after her; outside; halfway down the long gravel driveway.

Thats my first memory. I'm fairly certain that's the beginning of my list of mental illnesses. PTSD being the least. Anyway.. it also started these dreams. I really just wanted my Momma. But she could never seem to be there. So in my dream of her, I would be waiting in the living room window for her to pull in the driveway. Her car would pull in, I'd run out to meet her, the door would open and the car would explode. I started waking up before the fire started. But before I could find that skill I would run into the flames, grab onto her and try to just hold on. But she always pushed me out of the fire, leaving me to watch her burn. Leaving a skeleton in the earliest years. Deformed, charred body as I got older. Finally I developed the "skill" to dissociate around puberty. I eventually just checked out and stopped remembering my dreams. Stopped remembering much of anything.

Throughout my life my parents changed. My dad is a successful farmer. Though he's still a fucking prick. It's my Daddy. I love him. His wife now is a good enough woman. with our blended families there are 7 kids. I'm right in the middle. My Momma.. shes still fucking stupid. I find myself now having to shield my son from her bullshit. But she's my Momma. I love her. But man, y'all, The one skill I wish I could've learned is how to turn off love. How do you not love? I can't. Hate just isn't in me. I dislike a couple people, but I cant hate them. I mean shit.. The two people that I know love me more than most betrayed me in more ways more times than I can count. I learned forgiveness too early. I learned that good people make bad decisions that affect innocent people too early. Shit happens. But sometimes trauma leaves one hell of a scar; so deep forgiveness and understanding can't heal it. It wont go away, only fade with time. To this day fire fascinates me. I have dreams of the house burning and fighting to get my son and cats out. I have daydreams of buildings collapsing, jumping from an apartment to avoid burning; only to end up with crushed limbs and burning anyway. Idk. ... maybe I'm just twisted.

Amaya