Why Can't You Just Be Quiet?!

I usually lay out a rough draft after some sloppy brain dumping before typing out my stories. This time the feelings are so raw right now I think I'll just dump it here.

My maternal Grandparents adopted my mom from a cousin of my Maw Maw's. My biological maternal grandmother is a mess to say the least. My mother ended up being just like her mother leaving her adoptive parents to raise me. Think about that. Family you don't like needs to give up a child, you take that child in, that child grows up to steal everything from you and destroy your home and leave you with a severely traumatized child to raise. By 17 my mother was gone. I was a burden and knew it from day one. Maw Maw was never shy about how upset she was that she had to take care of me because my parents were shit. Granddaddy was/is patient loving and kind. I just wanted to be like him.

They had two other children. Sharon was grown and married. R.J. (Ray Jr.) was 18 when they got stuck with me. He was my buddy. For a long time I looked to him as a big brother but that's long gone now. We just don't speak. Hes successful, living really well with his family. Later, when I was 15, my mom had a boy who Sharon ended up taking in and raising. We don't speak. Aunt Sharon hasn't spoken to me in a loonnggg time. I don't remember our last call. My struggle with addiction in my early 20s was too much for them. I got dropped like a mic... But I digress. The point is their other children grew from her constant bitching an screaming and insults. They took that atmosphere and used it to push themselves to success. I was just too weak. " just so soft".

I wanted so bad to be a strong fierce woman like Maw Maw, Aunt Sharon, other female family. They all have no problem fighting for their opinions. I spent a lot of time watching trying to learn but never getting anything right. I can't wash dishes right, I use too much water; I can't sweep correctly, I always end up missing something; When I vacuum my lines aren't symmetrical; I can't fold clothes so the creases are juuust so; I can't walk straight, my left foot turns inward; I can't speak properly. I felt so inferior I was too timid. Now I just speak my mind and that's not acceptable either; I don't curse and scream when someone gets my order wrong; I don't demand a lower price or something for free when the box is messed up after delivery; I honor and respect the Earth and all of the forms of life She is supporting. Fucking hippie; I was attracted to black men! Oh my goodness guys you should've seen that explosion. The whole FamDamily showed up to tell me how wrong it was and how filthy that made me. Feeling that way was disgusting. "Don't ever let me see you with a nigger! I'll kill you both!" was my Uncle's response. That big brother, ya know. I'm just not like them. But God I want so bad still to fit. I'd give anything to be able to fake it. I can't fake it. I don't know how to be what they expect me to be. If only I were enough... but I'm just like my fucking mother. I'm just like my fucking mother.

That picture I used for the cover photo prompted this. "Keeping others happy meant keeping yourself safe". It hit me that as a very small child, and for every other child that's born into that, I was taught to just be quiet. Just let her rant and rave and just sit there. It's just how she is. Just dont provoke her. Just listen. Just nod and take it. Everyone tip toed around this one woman's temper tantrums in order to keep the house as peaceful as possible. I learned how to dissociate. I always thought it was a handy little trick. That's why I can keep my cool in any situation. It got me through beatings and rapes, both of me and watching others. It got me through being surrounded by violent people. Screaming and alcohol. Flying objects and bad fights. My life until JoJo was chaos and I was to just be quiet. Just don't speak. Shhh.

Up until I had my son I was the strict Aunt. I followed all of the Authoritarian lessons I was taught as a child. Do as you're told. NOW! Kids are to be seen not heard. Then at 25 I was laying on a hospital bed half conscious from pain and exhaustion. The nurse tapped my arm, "you have a boy, you wanna hold him. As I looked into the eyes of my boy, MY BOY, all at once it overwhelmed me, through my entire being with love in it's purest form...... shame... I realized I was tasked with loving him more than I was loved. Maw Maw was in the room with me. She raised me, Shes my mother and I love her. She said "A BOY! I WANTED A GIRL PUT THAT SHIT BACK". "that shit" being my newborn. That was after she insulted and criticised me through the entire 13 hour labor. She's such a fucking bitch. But I ignored her. I had the entire universe in my arms.

Her favorite thing to say is "We gave you everything!" "After everything we've done for you you you have no reason to feel that way" says the family."Just be grateful! You were so spoiled". Yes I was....Financially. They paid for the things I needed. They bailed me out of jail. They've bought me 3 vehicles over the course of my life, they even took money out of their savings, 4000, to send me to London for 11 days..... I am grateful for all of that. But I was reminded every time how sad it was that they had to do any of it. My worthless mother should be there, but she was always locked up for one thing or another. So again... I'm their burden. Just like my fucking mother.

I wanted to give My Boy more. Respect, Dignity, Integrity, Self Esteem, Self Worth, Confidence. I could feel the fact that I had none of that to give to him. How could I love him that much when I just don't have it. I'd blocked all heavy emotion. My abandonment issues, complete lack of self worth. I'd spent years drugging, flooding my brain with chemicals in a desperate attempt to feel something other than self hate and loathing. Anything to stop the suicidal and homicidal day dreams/ideation. But I buried everything so deep in order to protect myself I was empty. Then like magic he was right there, the face of perfection. My Boy. He was built using my tissue, my blood. All of a sudden the greatest thing I've ever done was looking at me. There was purpose. OH NO! Panic. How was I going to love him? I had no love to give. I destroy everything I touch, I'm just like my fucking mother.

Over the 6 years that have passed I may have spoiled him. I found my higher power and used that to build up my love of self and all life so that I would be able to give it to him. He can speak when he wants to. His opinion is valid in any situation. I will not silence him because his thoughts and feelings and dreams are so important to me that I just let him be. I will defend his dignity against anyone who threatens it. He will know that he is valid. ... So my truth is, I'm 32. I'm a witch. I'm an addict in recovery and proud. I smoke weed. I love marijuana and what of it? I have the best little family in the whole world. Me, Cory, JoJo, and 3 kitties. A cute little single wide with a decent yard. No one, Not one person, will tell us who to be, how to feel, when to speak or what to say. Because for 90% of my life I was silenced. Violently. Beaten and raped for speaking my mind. After all that I have a few rules for life, the only rules I have for JoJo.

SPEAK YOUR TRUTH WITHOUT SHAME ALWAYS.

RESPECT ALL LIFE.

NEVER KNEEL, STAND TALL FEARLESSLY

JUST LOVE.

Ya'll... please, never give yourself up. Stand up when they tell you to shh. Silence the room and speak your truth.

Blessed Be,

Amaya